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SD Water Authority: "Pine Valley has water! Kill them and take their water!"

Flip Boerman, the Pine Valley businessman who let the deadly secret slip.
Flip Boerman, the Pine Valley businessman who let the deadly secret slip.

ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER, PINE VALLEY — "We always knew this day would come," said Jedidiah McTavish, his eyes fixed on the interstate that would inevitably bring the marauding hordes to his doorstep, gallon jugs in hand. "I guess we just thought we had a little more time to prepare. Now, we'll be lucky to have the trenches dug before they arrive, never mind the razor wire."

"They" are the thirsty citizens of San Diego County, who were alerted to Pine Valley's plentiful underground water supply through an ill-advised interview given to KPBS by Pine Valley Mutual Water Company manager Flip Boerman. "Pine Valley is blessed with an unbelievable supply of water," the apparently suicidal Boerman told the news outlet.

"It's dumbfounding that Boerman would just give us up like that," said McTavish as he threaded a belt of ammunition into his home watchtower's .50 caliber mounted machine gun. "The Governor has just declared a state of emergency because of the drought. A Stanford scientist says this threatens to be the driest winter in 500 years. The latest snow-water reports have us at just 12% of normal for this date. San Diegans are looking at a 15% water rate increase, and rationing is a real possibility. Everything was in place to bring on California's water war. I guess Boerman is just this conflict's Gavrilo Pincip," he concluded, referring to the man whose assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand sparked World War I. "Although the San Diego County Water Authority's decision to urge San Diegans to kill us and take our water probably didn't help matters."

Reached for comment SDWA spokesman Richard Hoard said, "The San Diego Water Authority remains committed to the prudent acquisition and management of resources in a way that benefits all San Diegans, not just some bunch of backward, back country hill people who think that they are somehow more deserving just because of where they live. The greedy wretches were hiding their water underground, if you can believe that. Thank goodness Boerman spoke up, or we might never have found it."

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Flip Boerman, the Pine Valley businessman who let the deadly secret slip.
Flip Boerman, the Pine Valley businessman who let the deadly secret slip.

ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER, PINE VALLEY — "We always knew this day would come," said Jedidiah McTavish, his eyes fixed on the interstate that would inevitably bring the marauding hordes to his doorstep, gallon jugs in hand. "I guess we just thought we had a little more time to prepare. Now, we'll be lucky to have the trenches dug before they arrive, never mind the razor wire."

"They" are the thirsty citizens of San Diego County, who were alerted to Pine Valley's plentiful underground water supply through an ill-advised interview given to KPBS by Pine Valley Mutual Water Company manager Flip Boerman. "Pine Valley is blessed with an unbelievable supply of water," the apparently suicidal Boerman told the news outlet.

"It's dumbfounding that Boerman would just give us up like that," said McTavish as he threaded a belt of ammunition into his home watchtower's .50 caliber mounted machine gun. "The Governor has just declared a state of emergency because of the drought. A Stanford scientist says this threatens to be the driest winter in 500 years. The latest snow-water reports have us at just 12% of normal for this date. San Diegans are looking at a 15% water rate increase, and rationing is a real possibility. Everything was in place to bring on California's water war. I guess Boerman is just this conflict's Gavrilo Pincip," he concluded, referring to the man whose assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand sparked World War I. "Although the San Diego County Water Authority's decision to urge San Diegans to kill us and take our water probably didn't help matters."

Reached for comment SDWA spokesman Richard Hoard said, "The San Diego Water Authority remains committed to the prudent acquisition and management of resources in a way that benefits all San Diegans, not just some bunch of backward, back country hill people who think that they are somehow more deserving just because of where they live. The greedy wretches were hiding their water underground, if you can believe that. Thank goodness Boerman spoke up, or we might never have found it."

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These real life stories just keep getting better and better. Bravissimo!

Jan. 31, 2014

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