Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Vampire Diet, More on Memory

Mattzilla: I’ve looked at a lot of career choices, and it seems to me that being a vampire would suit me pretty well. One thing has me a little confused, though. Could I survive as a vampire by just drinking blood? Do vampires eat cheeseburgers and spaghetti and stuff like that, or does blood have all they need to ­live? — Anonymous, via email

Oh, we’ll get letters. Lotsa in-the-know vampire letters saying we’re completely wrong and what do we know about vampires, anyway. But you asked, we’ll answer, picking our vampire facts on little slips of white paper, out of a hat. In the vampire world, it’s all the same, ­anyway.

Sponsored
Sponsored

Before we get to the vampire food pyramid, can we ask how you plan to become vampiric? Current deep thinkers on the subject seem to agree that you need the bite of a vampire to do the trick. Some say that transmits a vampire virus that gets into your DNA. Then the biter becomes mentor to the bitee. On the other hand, there’s a minority opinion that you have to be born that way. That actually goes back to the old-school theories about where vampires come from. Most of them make being bitten look like the easy ­route.

In olden times, to return from the dead as a vampire, a person during his lifetime should have been a violent or cruel person, a criminal, a flouter of religious laws, a witch, a wizard, a werewolf or victim thereof, or a suicide. Some, they said, were born vampiric — the bastard child of bastards, the seventh-born child, a blue-eyed red-headed tyke, or a newborn with a harelip, tail, or other physical ­deformity.

So, assuming we’ve taken care of the getting-to-be-a-vampire stuff, how do you sustain yourself? Is blood packed with nutrition, or do we need vitamin supplements? Food energy: human blood contains 700 calories per liter. The average human needs maybe 2000 calories per day to keep things chugging along. That means three liters of blood a day just for energy. But are there enough essential micronutrients available in blood? This will be highly variable. In the worst case, consider vitamin C, not stored in the body so it must be renewed frequently. The average person has about 5 milligrams per liter of C floating around. The World Health Organization recommends you maintain a level of 45 milligrams. To be sure you’re getting that, you’d need nine liters of blood. Whoa! In the process, you’re downing 3500 calories a day. Shortly, you’ll be very corpulent, certainly counter to the common perception of a dandy ­vampire.

Got iron? Need 26 liters of blood per day to meet your RDA, even though blood is generally high in ­iron.

So there you are, slamming back the blood, completely unaware of the biggest hidden danger: salt. If there’s one thing human blood has, it’s lots of salt. Nine grams per liter. Even if you drink your minimum three liters daily, you’ll be getting nearly five times the recommended amount of salt. If you drink enough water to counteract it, you’ll still end up with hypertension. If you ignore water, you’ll go all dehydrated, leading straight to kidney failure, straight to death (again, I guess). So, counting on blood to keep you humming seems like a risky ­bet.

Luckily, many in the nowadays vampire nation don’t believe vampires suck blood for food. The object is to the essence, the vital being, the soul of the victim. Then three squares a day keep your body going. And since nouveau-vampires are even sympathetic characters, perhaps we’ll have a whole rash of vegan vampires, biting their way through your garden.

Hey, Doc! Take It Easy!

Matt: Just read your column where a reader asks about early memories. Just to let you know, I am a big fan of Ray Bradbury’s and have seen him many, many times at Comic-Con. He will tell the story of his birth regularly, claiming to remember the moment! — Don Vaughn, San Diego

He did indeed take every opportunity to make his audiences jump back with his claim that he remembered not only his birth but his circumcision (yeeks!) and all the details of all the years that followed. Of course, he had an imaginative explanation for the amazing situation. Mother Bradbury carried him for ten months before he was born, which he claimed gave him “heightened senses.” I’m not so sure about his heightened senses, but he definitely was a titan of a writer who had a heightened ­imagination.

The latest copy of the Reader

Please enjoy this clickable Reader flipbook. Linked text and ads are flash-highlighted in blue for your convenience. To enhance your viewing, please open full screen mode by clicking the icon on the far right of the black flipbook toolbar.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Todd Gloria gets cash from McDonald's franchise owners

Phil's BBQ owner for Larry Turner

Mattzilla: I’ve looked at a lot of career choices, and it seems to me that being a vampire would suit me pretty well. One thing has me a little confused, though. Could I survive as a vampire by just drinking blood? Do vampires eat cheeseburgers and spaghetti and stuff like that, or does blood have all they need to ­live? — Anonymous, via email

Oh, we’ll get letters. Lotsa in-the-know vampire letters saying we’re completely wrong and what do we know about vampires, anyway. But you asked, we’ll answer, picking our vampire facts on little slips of white paper, out of a hat. In the vampire world, it’s all the same, ­anyway.

Sponsored
Sponsored

Before we get to the vampire food pyramid, can we ask how you plan to become vampiric? Current deep thinkers on the subject seem to agree that you need the bite of a vampire to do the trick. Some say that transmits a vampire virus that gets into your DNA. Then the biter becomes mentor to the bitee. On the other hand, there’s a minority opinion that you have to be born that way. That actually goes back to the old-school theories about where vampires come from. Most of them make being bitten look like the easy ­route.

In olden times, to return from the dead as a vampire, a person during his lifetime should have been a violent or cruel person, a criminal, a flouter of religious laws, a witch, a wizard, a werewolf or victim thereof, or a suicide. Some, they said, were born vampiric — the bastard child of bastards, the seventh-born child, a blue-eyed red-headed tyke, or a newborn with a harelip, tail, or other physical ­deformity.

So, assuming we’ve taken care of the getting-to-be-a-vampire stuff, how do you sustain yourself? Is blood packed with nutrition, or do we need vitamin supplements? Food energy: human blood contains 700 calories per liter. The average human needs maybe 2000 calories per day to keep things chugging along. That means three liters of blood a day just for energy. But are there enough essential micronutrients available in blood? This will be highly variable. In the worst case, consider vitamin C, not stored in the body so it must be renewed frequently. The average person has about 5 milligrams per liter of C floating around. The World Health Organization recommends you maintain a level of 45 milligrams. To be sure you’re getting that, you’d need nine liters of blood. Whoa! In the process, you’re downing 3500 calories a day. Shortly, you’ll be very corpulent, certainly counter to the common perception of a dandy ­vampire.

Got iron? Need 26 liters of blood per day to meet your RDA, even though blood is generally high in ­iron.

So there you are, slamming back the blood, completely unaware of the biggest hidden danger: salt. If there’s one thing human blood has, it’s lots of salt. Nine grams per liter. Even if you drink your minimum three liters daily, you’ll be getting nearly five times the recommended amount of salt. If you drink enough water to counteract it, you’ll still end up with hypertension. If you ignore water, you’ll go all dehydrated, leading straight to kidney failure, straight to death (again, I guess). So, counting on blood to keep you humming seems like a risky ­bet.

Luckily, many in the nowadays vampire nation don’t believe vampires suck blood for food. The object is to the essence, the vital being, the soul of the victim. Then three squares a day keep your body going. And since nouveau-vampires are even sympathetic characters, perhaps we’ll have a whole rash of vegan vampires, biting their way through your garden.

Hey, Doc! Take It Easy!

Matt: Just read your column where a reader asks about early memories. Just to let you know, I am a big fan of Ray Bradbury’s and have seen him many, many times at Comic-Con. He will tell the story of his birth regularly, claiming to remember the moment! — Don Vaughn, San Diego

He did indeed take every opportunity to make his audiences jump back with his claim that he remembered not only his birth but his circumcision (yeeks!) and all the details of all the years that followed. Of course, he had an imaginative explanation for the amazing situation. Mother Bradbury carried him for ten months before he was born, which he claimed gave him “heightened senses.” I’m not so sure about his heightened senses, but he definitely was a titan of a writer who had a heightened ­imagination.

Comments
Sponsored

The latest copy of the Reader

Please enjoy this clickable Reader flipbook. Linked text and ads are flash-highlighted in blue for your convenience. To enhance your viewing, please open full screen mode by clicking the icon on the far right of the black flipbook toolbar.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Gonzo Report: Three nights of Mission Bayfest bring bliss

“This is a top-notch production.”
Next Article

Tijuana sewage infects air in South Bay

By September, Imperial Beach’s beach closure broke 1000 consecutive days
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader