Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Collagen, Helium, and Butt Boozin'

Hey, Matthew:

Before I have collagen injections in my lips, I have to know where they get the collagen. Is it human? Does it come from some animal?

— Lip Sink, via email

Cow lips. You’ll have big flappy cow lips. In many cases, the collagen injected into people for either cosmetic or therapeutic reasons comes from cows. Not from the happy California cows you see on TV. Probably from a special herd raised by the company that extracts the collagen molecules and makes them suitable for making your lips puffy and liplicious.

Collagen is stuff that makes skin, tendons, ligaments, and lots of other body parts strong and flexible. That goes for humans and other animals. As we age, our normally tough, fibrous collagen sort of poops out. But since the 1970s, doctors have been able to replace it through injections. Cow collagen is collected, and the parts of the molecule that don’t match the human molecule are removed so your body won’t recognize the stuff as “foreign matter” and reject it. Soon, your lips are pneumatic and gloriously kissable. It can also help facial wrinkles and acne scars.

But wait! There’s more! The other injectable is something called Alloderm. That stuff lasts longer, at least two years. Alloderm is collagen harvested from cooperative dead human bodies. The fully synthetic silicone is a lip-plumper option, if you want your mouth to match your boobs. Or you can go the surgical-implant route with Alloderm sheets and Gore-Tex, so your lips are plumped up with cadavers and windbreaker fabric. You might also have a fat transplant, from some eligible part of your body into your lips. The selection is dizzying. You’ll be looking like Angelina in no time. And there’s something here for the guys, too. Sheets of Alloderm are used for penis-enlargement surgeries.

Heymatt:

I saw a cartoon the other day where a hobo was boiling a shoe for dinner, which got me thinking. Since we eat every other part of the cow, would there be any nutritional value in boiling my old Nikes and eating the leather?

— Shoeless Moe Contraption, via email

Oh, the handy dandy cow again. Are you imagining a tasty, nutritious stew of carrots, celery, onions, and a pair of Jimmy Choos? Or add tomatoes and chilis and your Nikes for a heartier dish? Well, there are records of people eating their clothes. Cotton, after all, is a vegetable product. And one guy in Australia claims he kept himself alive while lost in the outback by eating his shoes and drinking water. The water was much more important to his survival than his hiking boots. We can live for weeks without eating, but only days without water. As for eating leather made into shoes or belts or other useful items, the nutritional value would be close to zero. And you’d be exposed to all the chemicals and dyes used to turn the cowhide into a fashion item. Leather as a regular part of your diet would probably do more harm than good. But in the short term, it might have some psychological value if you’re stranded and there are no edible plants or small animals around.

Howdy, Matt:

I love to amuse my nephews by inhaling helium from a balloon and then talking like Donald Duck. But I’ve always wondered why helium makes your voice real high. I’ll bet you know.

— The Funny Uncle, San Diego

I’ll bet I do. And it has nothing to do with cows. Vocal sounds are made by air that comes from the lungs, through the trachea, and to the larynx. The elastic vocal cords in your larynx vibrate, and we can be heard by others. The pitch of our voices depends on the length and thickness of the vocal cords. So our genetic makeup determines the natural pitch of our voices. Helium comes into the picture when it replaces the air in your lungs and trachea. Sound travels three times faster through helium than it does through air. The faster the sound travels, the higher the pitch. This is why you sound like Minnie Mouse and make your nephews lol.

It’s Better than Pooper Shots!

Our recent question about alcohol enemas as a means of getting really drunk really fast has prompted this adventurer to contact us. Mainlining a mojito doesn’t sound like fun to me. It sounds like a near-death experience. But there’s no accounting for what some people call recreation. Do not try this at home. Frank is nuts.

Dear Reader:

If Matthew Alice thinks taking a pooper shot is crazy, I wonder how he feels about mainlining 100 proof rum. P.S.: It burns like a mother.

— Frank Allee, El Cajon

Thank you, Frank. Put down the spiketini. Take care, now.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Sweet meets heat at Fluster Cluck Hot Chicken

A revamped Nashville chicken stall dishes crispy and spicy enough tenders
Next Article

Henry Silva’s golden years

“Would you buy a used car from this son-of-a-gun?”

Hey, Matthew:

Before I have collagen injections in my lips, I have to know where they get the collagen. Is it human? Does it come from some animal?

— Lip Sink, via email

Cow lips. You’ll have big flappy cow lips. In many cases, the collagen injected into people for either cosmetic or therapeutic reasons comes from cows. Not from the happy California cows you see on TV. Probably from a special herd raised by the company that extracts the collagen molecules and makes them suitable for making your lips puffy and liplicious.

Collagen is stuff that makes skin, tendons, ligaments, and lots of other body parts strong and flexible. That goes for humans and other animals. As we age, our normally tough, fibrous collagen sort of poops out. But since the 1970s, doctors have been able to replace it through injections. Cow collagen is collected, and the parts of the molecule that don’t match the human molecule are removed so your body won’t recognize the stuff as “foreign matter” and reject it. Soon, your lips are pneumatic and gloriously kissable. It can also help facial wrinkles and acne scars.

But wait! There’s more! The other injectable is something called Alloderm. That stuff lasts longer, at least two years. Alloderm is collagen harvested from cooperative dead human bodies. The fully synthetic silicone is a lip-plumper option, if you want your mouth to match your boobs. Or you can go the surgical-implant route with Alloderm sheets and Gore-Tex, so your lips are plumped up with cadavers and windbreaker fabric. You might also have a fat transplant, from some eligible part of your body into your lips. The selection is dizzying. You’ll be looking like Angelina in no time. And there’s something here for the guys, too. Sheets of Alloderm are used for penis-enlargement surgeries.

Heymatt:

I saw a cartoon the other day where a hobo was boiling a shoe for dinner, which got me thinking. Since we eat every other part of the cow, would there be any nutritional value in boiling my old Nikes and eating the leather?

— Shoeless Moe Contraption, via email

Oh, the handy dandy cow again. Are you imagining a tasty, nutritious stew of carrots, celery, onions, and a pair of Jimmy Choos? Or add tomatoes and chilis and your Nikes for a heartier dish? Well, there are records of people eating their clothes. Cotton, after all, is a vegetable product. And one guy in Australia claims he kept himself alive while lost in the outback by eating his shoes and drinking water. The water was much more important to his survival than his hiking boots. We can live for weeks without eating, but only days without water. As for eating leather made into shoes or belts or other useful items, the nutritional value would be close to zero. And you’d be exposed to all the chemicals and dyes used to turn the cowhide into a fashion item. Leather as a regular part of your diet would probably do more harm than good. But in the short term, it might have some psychological value if you’re stranded and there are no edible plants or small animals around.

Howdy, Matt:

I love to amuse my nephews by inhaling helium from a balloon and then talking like Donald Duck. But I’ve always wondered why helium makes your voice real high. I’ll bet you know.

— The Funny Uncle, San Diego

I’ll bet I do. And it has nothing to do with cows. Vocal sounds are made by air that comes from the lungs, through the trachea, and to the larynx. The elastic vocal cords in your larynx vibrate, and we can be heard by others. The pitch of our voices depends on the length and thickness of the vocal cords. So our genetic makeup determines the natural pitch of our voices. Helium comes into the picture when it replaces the air in your lungs and trachea. Sound travels three times faster through helium than it does through air. The faster the sound travels, the higher the pitch. This is why you sound like Minnie Mouse and make your nephews lol.

It’s Better than Pooper Shots!

Our recent question about alcohol enemas as a means of getting really drunk really fast has prompted this adventurer to contact us. Mainlining a mojito doesn’t sound like fun to me. It sounds like a near-death experience. But there’s no accounting for what some people call recreation. Do not try this at home. Frank is nuts.

Dear Reader:

If Matthew Alice thinks taking a pooper shot is crazy, I wonder how he feels about mainlining 100 proof rum. P.S.: It burns like a mother.

— Frank Allee, El Cajon

Thank you, Frank. Put down the spiketini. Take care, now.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Santa Ana winds bring San Diego's driest days; where to cool off; best view of Mars till 2033

Natural San Diego, September 28-October 4
Next Article

Orchid zealots, brave beekeepers, pit bulls not so bad, vicious seagulls, San Diego birds surveyed, a cactus will take a bullet

San Diego's extreme plants and animals
Comments
1

Regarding the leather shoes...I can see a new Nike commercial now. They say "Just do it," as someone smothers ketchup on them and starts chewing away.

I was in the Ould Sod on Adams Avenue one night. A hobo (thats so much nicer a word) came in. The bartender said they see him often. The guy was only wearing one shoe. The bartender said to him, "It looks like you lost a shoe." The hobo looked down. Then looked up. Then looked down again. After a few seconds of contemplating this, the hobo said "No. I didn't lose a shoe. I found one."

He walked out into the night, with his new found Nike.

June 4, 2008

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close