Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

The Reader's Eye on Television

As a loose rule, whenever you hear "question authority," you can replace it with "be a lazy ass." When a hippie in an organic oats and horse apples store says, "The government doesn't want you to smoke weed because it makes you question authority," it's safe to infer, "The government doesn't want you to lay around in your apartment, on your back, rubbing garlic and brown sugar on your belly, reeking of failure and hubris, wondering if your hair will dreadlock naturally if you don't wash it for two months."Hey, stinky, squeeze a lemon into those armpits and run a mint branch around your falafel hole. Corporate America awaits.

If you see a 1984 Dodge Colt with a "Question Authority" sticker, go ahead and translate that to "I hate work."

And don't give me that line about "I know plenty of successful pot smokers. I know teachers, lawyers, bus drivers, pilots, blah blah, bleet bleet bleet, who all wake up and pinch a bong load." That line's so old and tired it's arthritic and has a nasty case of piles. That line stands on its front porch in boxer shorts, black socks, and huarache sandals and remembers taking Guadalcanal.

Sure, there's that one guy we all know who drives his Volkswagen Passat to a fluorescent box office, smokes joints in the parking garage, and writes MP3-swapping software, happily clicking his keyboard, loaded on Humboldt Jefferson Starship purple-haired sticky.

But, society runs on averages. Most people who proudly claim "daily smoker" or "wake-and-bake" status spend their day terrified from stress and overwhelmed if they have to do the dishes and get the mail in the same day. Their ambitions for the week include watching a television show about talking dogs and a low-self-esteem rutabaga.

If you're spending your hard-earned busboy tips on nontaxable, black market, sandwich bags of plant clippings instead of "God Bless This Country and to Hell with Iran," stickers from Warehouse O' Crap Mart, of course the government has something to say about it.

Not that I'm a raving fan of our government. I don't have a big foam number one finger printed with "Congress!" on it.

Sponsored
Sponsored

And I hate work. But I don't delude myself with some bohemian ideal.

The sticker on my truck reads, "I hate work." But I get up and I put a damn shirt on every day.

I'm just saying...

Thursday, August 16 Breezies Intimates Collection QVC 8:00 a.m. Oof. Here's what you want on a hot summer Thursday morn. The "intimates" collection on QVC. Elastic waistband, purple Lycra bloomers with a little extra room for Depends. Wear 'em under your girdle to bingo night for that special feeling in your old butt cheeks. Yeesh. I feel queasy.

The Office NBC 9:00 p.m. My job is exactly like The Office , only not as funny. And I don't work in an office. I write in an alley shack. So I dress rats up in little suits and pit them against each other as coworkers and nemeses. Jim the Rat is tired of the shenanigans and would quit the next time he's forced to limbo at a morale-building party, but he's a slacker and needs the money. Pam the Rat paws at her fur self-consciously and hides behind her desk. Damn, I hate Michael the Rat, but he's so funny.

Friday, August 17 That '70s Show Fox 7:00 p.m. I can't wait. In 20 years there'll be "That 2000s Show," and our lives will be kitschy and quaint. We'll laugh at the clothes we used to wear. Not because they're outdated and silly, but because we wore clothes at all. Nude is the revolution, and I'm starting today. Maybe with a Lone Ranger mask until everyone else has caught up. Wave if you see me at the grocery store.

Saturday, August 18 Cake CBS 9:00 a.m. Genius is a contribution that is sometimes obvious. A show named Cake . Even if it's not about cake, you had me at "Cake." I'll kiss your Italian leather loafers, Mr. Whoever Invented This Divine Program. Let me roll around under your desk and bask in the smell of your knees.

The Bourne Identity USA 8:00 p.m. Matt Damon and I are almost twins. If he were chubby and balding with a depressed chin and a smell of sour milk. If I had better teeth and I wasn't missing part of my right ear. Come to think of it...never mind. We're both just short.

Sunday, August 19 Ken Kramer's About San Diego NBC 8:00 p.m. Come to my neighborhood, Ken. You can pretend you don't see me spiking your strawberry soda with moonshine. We'll ride bicycles with fringe and pinwheels to the nudie bookstore. Then we'll shave our chest hair into hearts. On the couch, I'll scoot closer and closer to you until our thighs touch. Oh, my neighborhood's a doozy, Ken. A doozy.

Monday, August 20 Rules of Engagement CBS 9:30 p.m. What happened to straightforward titles? M*A*S*H. Cheers. Friends. Now everything has a double meaning. Like this show. This is probably about people who are engaged to be wed, but the title implies that their relationships are hostile, warlike. It's all very pleased with itself. It's all very cucumber sandwiches without any crusts. Puffy sleeves. And, believe me, nobody likes puffy damned sleeves.

Tuesday, August 21 America's Got Talent NBC 8:00 p.m. The true intention of this program is to show the rest of the world that we are not just slop-fed war hogs. That we spend our evenings dancing, singing, learning sleight of hand, and training parrots to book travel arrangements and crap like that. We're telling other countries to love us, despite our SUVs and Wal-Mart. But it came out all wrong and twisted and it involves David Hasselhoff. Like everything bad.

Wednesday, August 22 Anchorwoman Fox 8:00 p.m. Spare me. Murphy Brown, rescue me. I'm drowning in a puddle of mud and contempt for modern television, and I need your sensible shoulder pads for flotation devices. Murphy Brown, save me. MURPHY! SAVE ME!

Thursday, August 23 Alaska PBS 8:00 p.m. Alaska's state motto should be "Ice and Drunkards!" Of course, PBS saw fit to throw money into a documentary about bears and trees. They're doing it alphabetically, and Arizona ("Sand and Drunkards!") is next. The PBS cameras will train on cacti and ghost towns and miss the point. Again. +

The latest copy of the Reader

Please enjoy this clickable Reader flipbook. Linked text and ads are flash-highlighted in blue for your convenience. To enhance your viewing, please open full screen mode by clicking the icon on the far right of the black flipbook toolbar.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Temperature inversions bring smoggy weather, "ankle biters" still biting

Near-new moon will lead to a dark Halloween
Next Article

WAV College Church reminds kids that time is short

College is a formational time for decisions about belief

As a loose rule, whenever you hear "question authority," you can replace it with "be a lazy ass." When a hippie in an organic oats and horse apples store says, "The government doesn't want you to smoke weed because it makes you question authority," it's safe to infer, "The government doesn't want you to lay around in your apartment, on your back, rubbing garlic and brown sugar on your belly, reeking of failure and hubris, wondering if your hair will dreadlock naturally if you don't wash it for two months."Hey, stinky, squeeze a lemon into those armpits and run a mint branch around your falafel hole. Corporate America awaits.

If you see a 1984 Dodge Colt with a "Question Authority" sticker, go ahead and translate that to "I hate work."

And don't give me that line about "I know plenty of successful pot smokers. I know teachers, lawyers, bus drivers, pilots, blah blah, bleet bleet bleet, who all wake up and pinch a bong load." That line's so old and tired it's arthritic and has a nasty case of piles. That line stands on its front porch in boxer shorts, black socks, and huarache sandals and remembers taking Guadalcanal.

Sure, there's that one guy we all know who drives his Volkswagen Passat to a fluorescent box office, smokes joints in the parking garage, and writes MP3-swapping software, happily clicking his keyboard, loaded on Humboldt Jefferson Starship purple-haired sticky.

But, society runs on averages. Most people who proudly claim "daily smoker" or "wake-and-bake" status spend their day terrified from stress and overwhelmed if they have to do the dishes and get the mail in the same day. Their ambitions for the week include watching a television show about talking dogs and a low-self-esteem rutabaga.

If you're spending your hard-earned busboy tips on nontaxable, black market, sandwich bags of plant clippings instead of "God Bless This Country and to Hell with Iran," stickers from Warehouse O' Crap Mart, of course the government has something to say about it.

Not that I'm a raving fan of our government. I don't have a big foam number one finger printed with "Congress!" on it.

Sponsored
Sponsored

And I hate work. But I don't delude myself with some bohemian ideal.

The sticker on my truck reads, "I hate work." But I get up and I put a damn shirt on every day.

I'm just saying...

Thursday, August 16 Breezies Intimates Collection QVC 8:00 a.m. Oof. Here's what you want on a hot summer Thursday morn. The "intimates" collection on QVC. Elastic waistband, purple Lycra bloomers with a little extra room for Depends. Wear 'em under your girdle to bingo night for that special feeling in your old butt cheeks. Yeesh. I feel queasy.

The Office NBC 9:00 p.m. My job is exactly like The Office , only not as funny. And I don't work in an office. I write in an alley shack. So I dress rats up in little suits and pit them against each other as coworkers and nemeses. Jim the Rat is tired of the shenanigans and would quit the next time he's forced to limbo at a morale-building party, but he's a slacker and needs the money. Pam the Rat paws at her fur self-consciously and hides behind her desk. Damn, I hate Michael the Rat, but he's so funny.

Friday, August 17 That '70s Show Fox 7:00 p.m. I can't wait. In 20 years there'll be "That 2000s Show," and our lives will be kitschy and quaint. We'll laugh at the clothes we used to wear. Not because they're outdated and silly, but because we wore clothes at all. Nude is the revolution, and I'm starting today. Maybe with a Lone Ranger mask until everyone else has caught up. Wave if you see me at the grocery store.

Saturday, August 18 Cake CBS 9:00 a.m. Genius is a contribution that is sometimes obvious. A show named Cake . Even if it's not about cake, you had me at "Cake." I'll kiss your Italian leather loafers, Mr. Whoever Invented This Divine Program. Let me roll around under your desk and bask in the smell of your knees.

The Bourne Identity USA 8:00 p.m. Matt Damon and I are almost twins. If he were chubby and balding with a depressed chin and a smell of sour milk. If I had better teeth and I wasn't missing part of my right ear. Come to think of it...never mind. We're both just short.

Sunday, August 19 Ken Kramer's About San Diego NBC 8:00 p.m. Come to my neighborhood, Ken. You can pretend you don't see me spiking your strawberry soda with moonshine. We'll ride bicycles with fringe and pinwheels to the nudie bookstore. Then we'll shave our chest hair into hearts. On the couch, I'll scoot closer and closer to you until our thighs touch. Oh, my neighborhood's a doozy, Ken. A doozy.

Monday, August 20 Rules of Engagement CBS 9:30 p.m. What happened to straightforward titles? M*A*S*H. Cheers. Friends. Now everything has a double meaning. Like this show. This is probably about people who are engaged to be wed, but the title implies that their relationships are hostile, warlike. It's all very pleased with itself. It's all very cucumber sandwiches without any crusts. Puffy sleeves. And, believe me, nobody likes puffy damned sleeves.

Tuesday, August 21 America's Got Talent NBC 8:00 p.m. The true intention of this program is to show the rest of the world that we are not just slop-fed war hogs. That we spend our evenings dancing, singing, learning sleight of hand, and training parrots to book travel arrangements and crap like that. We're telling other countries to love us, despite our SUVs and Wal-Mart. But it came out all wrong and twisted and it involves David Hasselhoff. Like everything bad.

Wednesday, August 22 Anchorwoman Fox 8:00 p.m. Spare me. Murphy Brown, rescue me. I'm drowning in a puddle of mud and contempt for modern television, and I need your sensible shoulder pads for flotation devices. Murphy Brown, save me. MURPHY! SAVE ME!

Thursday, August 23 Alaska PBS 8:00 p.m. Alaska's state motto should be "Ice and Drunkards!" Of course, PBS saw fit to throw money into a documentary about bears and trees. They're doing it alphabetically, and Arizona ("Sand and Drunkards!") is next. The PBS cameras will train on cacti and ghost towns and miss the point. Again. +

Comments
Sponsored

The latest copy of the Reader

Please enjoy this clickable Reader flipbook. Linked text and ads are flash-highlighted in blue for your convenience. To enhance your viewing, please open full screen mode by clicking the icon on the far right of the black flipbook toolbar.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About doTERRA

Next Article

Jayson Napolitano’s Scarlet Moon releases third Halloween album

Latest effort has the most local vibe
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader