Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

The Reader's Eye on Television

Maybe you have a philosophy. Maybe it has to do with Santa Claus clapping his hands and pop! out comes everything. Out comes the Milky Way and our solar system and down here, on our swimming pool we call Earth, out came puppies and lollipops and cordless drills. All at once. Maybe you don't believe in Santa. Rather, you believe that sugar from a passing comet landed in the ocean and after a million years it grew a tail and eventually that tail grew a fish. Soon those fish became things like aardvarks and cavemen, and the cavemen tinkered with nature and voila! out popped puppies and lollipops and cordless drills and palm trees and Matlock on TBS.

Either way, what the hell does it matter? You've got about 75 years here. You can sit around and argue about which came first, Nietzsche or smug self-satisfaction. In the end we all wind up in the dirt with little Xs over our eyes and a halo around our head.

Some people say, "It's all what you do with that 75 years that counts," but that's a crock pot full of mayonnaise, too. Because, given a couple hundred years, nobody remembers what you did even if you were a big shot, like president or the inventor of rubber tires or the first caveman to squish up berries and let it rot in a jar and drink it on a Saturday night.

You could do something big, like take that jar of squeezed berry juice and put two different types of metal in it and hook wires up to it and call it a "battery." Your "battery" could be condensed and put into digital watches that remind you to walk your dog or into machines that ball up sugar and put it at the end of a paper stick. Your battery could revolutionize tools so that they no longer need a cord. And nobody will remember your name.

Or you could be a total turd, born rich and beautiful -- by society's standards -- frittering away your 75 years taking ecstasy in glittery clubs, wearing jewels on the straps of your shoes, and drinking rotten berry juice, and then they'll fold your arms up like you're sleeping, shave your legs one last time so you don't look like you crawled out of a cave, put you in a box, and lower you into the ground.

Most of you will work 50 years, and when you can't enjoy the time off anymore, they'll let you retire and you'll be happy to sit around and watch bad television that's been made so old farts can sit around and watch bad television until you croak and they plant you in the dirt.

That's my philosophy.

Sponsored
Sponsored

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, June 8

Animal Planet Report

ANIMAL 2:00 p.m. I've synthesized the compound that will allow me to take over the baboon community. I thought injecting the serum into my leg would be hard, but that was the easy part. Feeling my bones crack and watching my big toe migrate to my heel was about the toughest thing so far. But, I can open a door with my feet. So, I've got that.

Game show Marathon

CBS 8:00 p.m. Here's a good example of "would you rather." Would you rather (a) watch this putrid display of stinking non-entertainment (hosted by Rikki Lake!) or (b) cover your head in melted marshmallow gunk and stick it through a hole in the wall of the polar bear exhibit while handlers shoot the animals in their asses with bb guns? Also, you'd have to yell, "Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!" so the bears could find you when they were good and pissed off. I know which one I'd choose, and it wouldn't have anything to do with Rikki Lake's pillowy cheeks or -- Hi-ho, Silver! -- jaw line.

Friday, June 9

MTV Hits

MTVHIT 7:00 p.m. Even though I don't play any instruments or sing, my new theoretical band name -- if I were in a band -- would be Maybe a Ringo Ate Your Baby .

Saturday, June 10

The Batman

WB 8:30 a.m. It's recently been revealed that Batwoman is lesbian. I think it's only a clever plan to conceal her identity from those who would seek to stop her crime- fighting ways. The only way to find her will be to go through all the PT Cruisers in the parking lot at Home Depot and find the one with red and black tights in the back.

The Outer Limits

KUSI 7:00 p.m. I'm not making this up; I read this in Popular Science. There's been a recent phenomenon of red rain over India. The red particles that were mixed with rain have been studied in a lab. The microscopic bits reproduce but do not have cellular linings or DNA. Some have speculated that it is fungal spores from the Arabian Peninsula. Others believe the microorganisms came from a passing meteorite and are, in fact, alien life. Either way, I want to drink the red goop and get quickly to the mutating. If someone in India is reading this, get me a jar of that crap! This breaking news could make my whole transformation into the Baboon King the stuff of a child's playpen. Oh, I want it. I want the power of the red alien elixir!

Sunday, June 11

Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story

KUSI 11:00 a.m. Her folks called her Abby. Her real name was Abigail. We called her Boots. One night the heel came free from her standard military issue combats and she was so raging pissed that she cut the high tops off with an electric turkey carver and drank tequila out of the remaining vessel. I don't remember her sister Ann too much. Ann was always a little too wild for our taste. I hear they had rival advice columns or some such things. I can't imagine what advice those two could give outside of prepping a hypodermic needle. I miss those ol' girls. I still have an old doily Abby gave me.

Monday, June 12

Transformers Cybertron

TOON 6:00 a.m. I fully expect, through reincarnation or brute technology, that someday I will regain consciousness on a distant planet in the body of a Transformer. I'd prefer to come back as a Rolls Royce or Bentley, something regal and, when transformed become a tall egalitarian robot. Although, with karma what it is, I will probably be a bulldozer set to work in a quarry and, when transformed, I will probably sport something dumb like a hardhat.

Tuesday, June 13

MLB Baseball: Los Angeles Dodgers vs. San Diego Padres

CA4SD 7:00 p.m. Baseball has ruined steroids. What happened to the carefree fun of shooting testosterone into your own ass that we enjoyed as kids? Thanks a lot, Bonds, Canseco, and Maguire.

Wednesday, June 14

Dragon Boat Festival

HSN 4:00 p.m. I don't know what the hell the Home Shopping Network is doing selling "Dragon Boats" or, for that matter, I can't rightly say what a Dragon Boat is. But, I know who their first customer is going to be. Damn, I want a Dragon Boat so bad I could pee!

Thursday, June 15

The O'Reilly Factor

FNC 8:00 p.m. Before rising to power as chancellor of the United States, I will have a reputation among the revolutionaries as a man who rose through the ranks, from the lowest freed man boot soldier to commander of a renegade battalion bent on releasing as many slaves as possible. During one battle, a load of dynamite will be shot from my shoulder where I'm carrying it, and I'll be blown clear with only slight damage to my hearing. This legend will precede me, even as I'm inducted into the Black Rebel Corps of Supreme Court Justices.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Croome Brothers Trio, Jack Tempchin, Ricky, Swami & the Bed Of Nails, Kahlil Nash

Acoustic and electric in Del Mar, La Jolla, Little Italy, and City Heights
Next Article

Didja know I did the first American feature on Jimi Hendrix?

Richard Meltzer goes through the Germs, Blue Oyster Cult, Ray Charles, Elvis, Lavender Hill Mob

Maybe you have a philosophy. Maybe it has to do with Santa Claus clapping his hands and pop! out comes everything. Out comes the Milky Way and our solar system and down here, on our swimming pool we call Earth, out came puppies and lollipops and cordless drills. All at once. Maybe you don't believe in Santa. Rather, you believe that sugar from a passing comet landed in the ocean and after a million years it grew a tail and eventually that tail grew a fish. Soon those fish became things like aardvarks and cavemen, and the cavemen tinkered with nature and voila! out popped puppies and lollipops and cordless drills and palm trees and Matlock on TBS.

Either way, what the hell does it matter? You've got about 75 years here. You can sit around and argue about which came first, Nietzsche or smug self-satisfaction. In the end we all wind up in the dirt with little Xs over our eyes and a halo around our head.

Some people say, "It's all what you do with that 75 years that counts," but that's a crock pot full of mayonnaise, too. Because, given a couple hundred years, nobody remembers what you did even if you were a big shot, like president or the inventor of rubber tires or the first caveman to squish up berries and let it rot in a jar and drink it on a Saturday night.

You could do something big, like take that jar of squeezed berry juice and put two different types of metal in it and hook wires up to it and call it a "battery." Your "battery" could be condensed and put into digital watches that remind you to walk your dog or into machines that ball up sugar and put it at the end of a paper stick. Your battery could revolutionize tools so that they no longer need a cord. And nobody will remember your name.

Or you could be a total turd, born rich and beautiful -- by society's standards -- frittering away your 75 years taking ecstasy in glittery clubs, wearing jewels on the straps of your shoes, and drinking rotten berry juice, and then they'll fold your arms up like you're sleeping, shave your legs one last time so you don't look like you crawled out of a cave, put you in a box, and lower you into the ground.

Most of you will work 50 years, and when you can't enjoy the time off anymore, they'll let you retire and you'll be happy to sit around and watch bad television that's been made so old farts can sit around and watch bad television until you croak and they plant you in the dirt.

That's my philosophy.

Sponsored
Sponsored

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, June 8

Animal Planet Report

ANIMAL 2:00 p.m. I've synthesized the compound that will allow me to take over the baboon community. I thought injecting the serum into my leg would be hard, but that was the easy part. Feeling my bones crack and watching my big toe migrate to my heel was about the toughest thing so far. But, I can open a door with my feet. So, I've got that.

Game show Marathon

CBS 8:00 p.m. Here's a good example of "would you rather." Would you rather (a) watch this putrid display of stinking non-entertainment (hosted by Rikki Lake!) or (b) cover your head in melted marshmallow gunk and stick it through a hole in the wall of the polar bear exhibit while handlers shoot the animals in their asses with bb guns? Also, you'd have to yell, "Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!" so the bears could find you when they were good and pissed off. I know which one I'd choose, and it wouldn't have anything to do with Rikki Lake's pillowy cheeks or -- Hi-ho, Silver! -- jaw line.

Friday, June 9

MTV Hits

MTVHIT 7:00 p.m. Even though I don't play any instruments or sing, my new theoretical band name -- if I were in a band -- would be Maybe a Ringo Ate Your Baby .

Saturday, June 10

The Batman

WB 8:30 a.m. It's recently been revealed that Batwoman is lesbian. I think it's only a clever plan to conceal her identity from those who would seek to stop her crime- fighting ways. The only way to find her will be to go through all the PT Cruisers in the parking lot at Home Depot and find the one with red and black tights in the back.

The Outer Limits

KUSI 7:00 p.m. I'm not making this up; I read this in Popular Science. There's been a recent phenomenon of red rain over India. The red particles that were mixed with rain have been studied in a lab. The microscopic bits reproduce but do not have cellular linings or DNA. Some have speculated that it is fungal spores from the Arabian Peninsula. Others believe the microorganisms came from a passing meteorite and are, in fact, alien life. Either way, I want to drink the red goop and get quickly to the mutating. If someone in India is reading this, get me a jar of that crap! This breaking news could make my whole transformation into the Baboon King the stuff of a child's playpen. Oh, I want it. I want the power of the red alien elixir!

Sunday, June 11

Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story

KUSI 11:00 a.m. Her folks called her Abby. Her real name was Abigail. We called her Boots. One night the heel came free from her standard military issue combats and she was so raging pissed that she cut the high tops off with an electric turkey carver and drank tequila out of the remaining vessel. I don't remember her sister Ann too much. Ann was always a little too wild for our taste. I hear they had rival advice columns or some such things. I can't imagine what advice those two could give outside of prepping a hypodermic needle. I miss those ol' girls. I still have an old doily Abby gave me.

Monday, June 12

Transformers Cybertron

TOON 6:00 a.m. I fully expect, through reincarnation or brute technology, that someday I will regain consciousness on a distant planet in the body of a Transformer. I'd prefer to come back as a Rolls Royce or Bentley, something regal and, when transformed become a tall egalitarian robot. Although, with karma what it is, I will probably be a bulldozer set to work in a quarry and, when transformed, I will probably sport something dumb like a hardhat.

Tuesday, June 13

MLB Baseball: Los Angeles Dodgers vs. San Diego Padres

CA4SD 7:00 p.m. Baseball has ruined steroids. What happened to the carefree fun of shooting testosterone into your own ass that we enjoyed as kids? Thanks a lot, Bonds, Canseco, and Maguire.

Wednesday, June 14

Dragon Boat Festival

HSN 4:00 p.m. I don't know what the hell the Home Shopping Network is doing selling "Dragon Boats" or, for that matter, I can't rightly say what a Dragon Boat is. But, I know who their first customer is going to be. Damn, I want a Dragon Boat so bad I could pee!

Thursday, June 15

The O'Reilly Factor

FNC 8:00 p.m. Before rising to power as chancellor of the United States, I will have a reputation among the revolutionaries as a man who rose through the ranks, from the lowest freed man boot soldier to commander of a renegade battalion bent on releasing as many slaves as possible. During one battle, a load of dynamite will be shot from my shoulder where I'm carrying it, and I'll be blown clear with only slight damage to my hearing. This legend will precede me, even as I'm inducted into the Black Rebel Corps of Supreme Court Justices.

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Making Love to Goats, Rachmaninoff, and Elgar

Next Article

Centennial Salute to San Diego’s Military, East Village Block Party, Birding Basics Class

Events March 29-March 30, 2024
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.