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"All right, everyone quiet down. Let's pick a movie. How do I do that?" "You have to go to the On Demand screen, then..."

"Where the hell is that?"

"It's back two things. You have to push that."

"Do I push it here on the remote or is it a menu item on the...wait, what just happened?"

"You're on the wrong channel."

"Can't I push this yellow triangle and go through the 'Browse By' menu?"

"No. You have to...here, give me the remote."

"No. I'm doing it."

"You're doing it wrong. Now, give me the remote."

"No, wait. I got it. Get your hands off."

"Give me that damn..."

"Listen. Wait. Let go. I've got it! Look!"

"No, you did it wrong. Isn't this your job? Aren't you 'The TV Guy'?"

"I know how to do this. It's easy."

"You've got your head up your ass."

"Give that back. I had it. Now you're ruining it. Let's give in and go to Blockbuster. This ordering-movies-from-the-TV thing is stupid."

"Shut up. See? I've got it. Those are the movies we can watch."

"Just those ten?"

"No, retard. Those are 'The Top Ten.' There are others. How the hell do you write about TV when it's obviously over your head?"

"All right. See? I got it to work. I want to watch Batman ."

"No, you didn't get it to work, and I want to watch Mad Hot Ballroom. "

"I'll tell you right now. There's no damn way we're watching a movie about little kids dancing. I will throw that remote control out the window before we..."

"Hey! Give that back! Oh, good job, mo-mo. Now it's broken."

"It's not broken. The battery fell out. I can put it back in."

"That wire goes back in there and then the battery. You are incompetent, aren't you?"

"Let's drive down to the movie store and rent a DVD. I fail to see what's wrong with the old-fashioned way."

"You fail to see what's wrong with that? The movie store's closed. It's Christmas. Now, fix the damn remote and..."

"Shhh... Batman 's starting."

"You mother..."

"Merry Christmas."

Thursday, December 29

What I will and won't watch this week

Geraldo at Large KUSI 8:30 p.m. My ex-girlfriend had a monster mustache -- way thicker than mine. I've never been able to get out of the "My First Mustache by Hasbro!" stage. I grow that teenage patch of dirt above my lip. But, Donna. Donna could rock a Geraldo if she didn't stick to a strict waxing, bleaching, and plucking schedule.

Jack Frost (1998)

FAM 8:00 p.m. A story of a man who dies and comes back to life as a snowman. Included in the cast is Henry Rollins, who now, ironically, has a show on Sundance in which he lambastes "bad" movies. Also of note is the soundtrack to Jack Frost . If you turn your volume WAY up during the quiet scenes you can hear the dump truck that's hauling away Michael Keaton's career.

Friday, December 30 Carols by Candlelight

CA4SD 8:30 p.m. What the hell? Christmas was last week. This is like that family in your neighborhood that leaves all the plastic reindeer and light-up Santa and electric snowflakes and Day-Glo candy canes and crap all over their front lawn for three months after the New Year. You'd tell them their yard looks REALLY tacky, but if they don't even want to pick up the mounds of dog turds, then you're certainly not going to talk any sense into them.

Saturday, December 31 Lion King Special

ABC 7:00 p.m. The Lion King came out in 1994, and Disney is still cramming Simba up our wazoos. Oh, yes, the Lion King play is amazing. Your daughter has a beautiful Lion King backpack, all purple and lemon-colored. After your aunt's huffed Lion King oven cleaner through a Lion King paper towel roll she'll show you her battery-operated "surrogate boyfriend" that's shaped like that toucan from the movie. The inundation is enough to make me want to chew on the barrel of my Timon and Pumba revolver.

Snow Dogs (2002)

ABC 8:00 p.m. A black dentist from Miami becomes a dogsled racer in Alaska: starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Sisqo, and Michael Bolton. The alternate title to this movie is The First of Seven Seals that Must be Breached in Order to Touch Off the Start of the Apocalypse .

Sunday, January 1 Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular

NBC 1:00 p.m. No wonder Europe hates us.

Monday, January 2 Extreme Surgery

TLC 6:00 p.m. You wanted a program about PUSHING THE LIMITS of surgery! Well, now you've got it, mister! First, we get you in a hospital gown and pop you up on a trampoline and when you've reached a nominal height of 12 feet, rock-and-roll legend Ted Nugent is going to open you up with a 12-gauge shotgun blast to the abdomen. Then it's INTO THE SHARK TANK!

Tuesday, January 3 How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998)

AMC 8:00 p.m. How Stella got some young ding-a-ling. The sequel should be about how Taye Diggs gets his citizenship by marrying Angela Bassett. Surprisingly, after he relocates to the States he shows no interest in her at all and instead buys a small lap dog and opens a flower shop. You know. They're "married." Wink!

Wednesday, January 4 My Date With the President's Daughter (1998)

DISN 8:00 p.m. One of my fantasies involves marrying Chelsea Clinton and encouraging her to make her first million while I cook and clean our cozy and tasteful mid-century ranch house in the Hollywood Hills. On the weekends I'd sit on the porch with Bill and smoke cigars and bitch about Hillary. Another fantasy involves breathing underwater and a mermaid, but that's a story for another time.

Thursday, January 5 The O'Reilly Factor

FNC 8:00 p.m. The opening in a barrel where a tap is inserted is called the "bung hole." I'm sure you can make the connection here. No need for me to explain.

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