xXx: The Return of Xander Cage 0.0 stars

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage movie poster

There isn’t much point in reviewing a film that summarizes itself thusly: “Kick some ass, get the girl, and try to look dope while you’re doing it.” But a job’s a job: Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is, according to this third entry in the XXX series, the guy you call when you need “someone that can walk into a tornado and come out the other side like it was a damn gentle breeze.” (This line is spoken by Academy-Award nominee Toni Collette, who looks appropriately miserable throughout.) He is also an extreme (exxxtreme?) sports enthusiast who can ski through the jungle, skateboard along the side of a moving bus, knock out bad guys (and surf!) with a dirt bike, and satisfy six ladies at a time (“undercover work”) before smiling down on them and marveling, “the things I do for my country.” (Or, if necessary, to his country; his multicultural militia is not big on allegiance to anything beyond itself.) The sexytimes and dialogue seem like they would send a 12-year-old sensibility into paroxysms of excitement and admiration, and the cartoonish action will surely satisfy an inner six-year-old. (“Pew! Pew! You missed me!”) But the plot, which involves a device that can drop satellites on people from space AND serve as a super-surveillance tool, should prove a convoluted mess for viewers of all ages. D.J. Caruso directs. 2017.

Matthew Lickona

This movie is not currently in theaters.

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