Another holiday slaughtered, processed, shrink wrapped, and shipped to market by director Garry Marshall (Valentine’s Day). Another massive cast (Ashton Kutcher as the world’s prettiest grubby hipster, Katherine Heigl as a jilted caterer, etc.), another whirlwind of plotlines and significances: birth, death, first kisses, dreams come true, marriage, romance. Was anything left out? If so, it wasn’t for lack of trying. Why, there’s even a horny grandpa! Michelle Pfeiffer provides perhaps the film’s only honest moments as a disappointed doormat with a list of resolutions. (2011) — Matthew Lickona
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