Co-writer and co-director Robert Rodriguez (writing with Álvaro Rodriguez, directing with Ethan Maniquis) makes a feature-length reality of the hypothetical little teaser trailer tucked into the overstuffed package of Grindhouse, a bad dream come true. If nothing else, it gives a nice big fat leading role to Danny Trejo, a clock-stopping face condemned to the humble caste of perennial henchman, as a vengeful former Federale, allowed to canoodle with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez into the bargain. In spite of the deep-seated piety on immigration issues, its highest aspiration is simply to be a hoot. Its highest actual achievement is perhaps a cheep. (If only for the Dracula hairdo on Steven Seagal as a Mexican drug lord.) Formulated on the so-bad-it’s-good theorem, from which follows the corollary of the worse the better, it tends to wear out its welcome in a hurry. A lot like Grindhouse. Test case to help you decide whether this is the movie for you: the hero, having just heard that the human intestine stretches sixty feet, effectuates his escape from a hospital by slicing open the torso of a bad guy, diving out a window clutching the intestine like Tarzan a jungle vine, and swinging down to the window of the floor below. Yuk-yuk or just yuck? Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Jeff Fahey, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin. (2010) — Duncan Shepherd