A pair of mismatched, strikingly bland Hollywood ingenues (Dakota Johnson and Ryan Seacrest mimeo Jamie Dornan) drag audiences kicking and screaming through a crash course on alternative lifestyles. The title refers to the color your hair will turn while struggling to get through this endless, thinly-spread dollop of homogenized saltpeter. Everything you’ve feared is true: here’s a softcore (and soft-peddled) porn variation on Little Red Riding Hood conceived in frustration by a Twihard and aimed at breaking down kinky sex for delicate yentas. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson favors the Wes Anderson see-saw/center frame approach to anamorphic framing, rendering it as visually flat as it is erotically insolvent; the robotic sex scenes might just as well have been computer generated. What better way to spend Valentine’s Day than watching a virgin tied to a bed and bound to a non-disclosure agreement by an egocentric billionaire bully who gets off on beating the romantic out of her? (2015) — Scott Marks
This movie is not currently in theaters.