A former White House secret service agent, forever spooked by the attempt on President Reagan’s life, goes for the easy money that is guarding a celebrity. But just when it appeared as though I would successfully make it to the grave without falling prey to this Bodyguard, Reading Grossmont booked it as part of their Musical Mondays series. A Stalker Sundays series would have been a better fit: Whitney Houston stars as a millionaire songstress in need of protection from an obsessed fan. And on what planet does this pass for a musical? No more than nine of the film’s 129 minutes are devoted to song; that barely even hacks it as a drama with music. As terrible as Houston’s performance is, she somehow manages to act circles around Kevin “Knotty Pine” Costner. Make it through the first hour, and you’ll be rewarded with a steady stream of howls. The pretend Oscar ceremonies that close the show are the worst counterfeit of their kind since Pia Zadora’s The Lonely Lady. — Scott Marks