Garrett Harris 8 p.m., May 23
Some days, it's just harder to write about movies than others, you know? Because some days, you decide to see what's new in the trailer department, and you wind up with this, which is apparently so artistically unique that I'm not allowed to embed it here. So go watch it there, and then maybe come back here.
Right, where were we? Oh, Lord, make it stop! A skinny Santa? Flame throwers? Wannabe Frances McDormand from Fargo? MALCOLM MCDOWELL, WE HARDLY KNEW YE. They couldn't even manage the no-brainer of having Santa do his dirty work in silence while some angelic cherub sang Silent Night throughout the trailer? This is quite possibly the laziest thing I've seen all day. (I'm too lazy to check out other lazy things I've seen lately.)
AT LEAST they got the axe in there, so there's a callback to the video-box cover we all shivered over as little kids at the corner video store:
And is it just me, or is the trailer for the original, from 1984 fer pete's sake, about ten times scarier?
The one good idea in there: Santa knocking off the people on his naughty list. Good for so very many reasons, starting with the fact that it ties in with the great slasher tradition of "You screw, you die." (See also: Jason Voorhees.) Only here, we can expand the range from observable sexual hijinks to the evil that lurks in the recesses of the human heart. Santa is magic!
Good also because there's a precedent for a vengeful Christmas critter: Krampus!
Go ahead, spend some time on Google Images with Krampus. Good times. Be good kids, or the devil dude with the three-foot tongue will chain you up and take you away!
Best of all, The Young People of Today are already into Krampus - they dress like him and have festivals!
Imagine, a real Krampus invades a town in the midst of a huge Krampusfest and starts snatching naughty kids and dispatching naughty grownups. This stuff writes itself, people. And yet we're stuck with Silent Night.