Dunno why, but this seems legit:

Single mom needs food today! (normal Heights)

Probably because she doesn't overdo it with the laundry list of iniquities suffered at the hands of a cruel world. I tend to disapprove of the overzealous beggar, supporting instead what I believe to be a more sincere panhandling methodology. Speaking of suspicious, is it not slightly suspish that this person has three dish racks?

kitchen dishracks - $5 (Normal Heights)

Since when was one (1) insufficient to the task at hand? Strange... Much more practical a purchase than this, however:

Used Indo Board - Pro - $70 (Downtown)

Oooh! All the pain of falling off of a skateboard without the fun of actually going anywhere! Not quite ironic enough for a Runner-Up nod, however, since the Second Place Finish goes out to:

slammer strat copy - $100 (normal heights)

"Called the slammer hammer. Cant pass up a guitar called the slammer hammer." Oh yeah? Rilly? Call your bluff, brah.1 Still, not quite rad enough to win the Big Prize today. That honor goes to:

E-Book the Truth about ABS

"Turns out we just weren't ready for the truth..." -New York Times

"The truth, the awful truth, shall set you free." -Chicago Sun-Times

"It has to be read to be believed, we never suspected the ABS." -Boston Globe

"Thank god we found out the truth before it was too late!" -San Diego Union-Tribune

So, you've been living your whole life next to your ABS, never suspecting a thing? "Well, they're just my core muscles, aren't they?" you might have asked yourself. "What could we ever have to fear from the core?"

Well, you were wrong. Dead wrong.

Like a bolt of lightning from Zeus' own hand, the Truth about ABS shatters the myths and mysteries surrounding the core muscles. For generations the ABS have lurked in the murky darkness of the core, their real purpose kept secret from the other, skeletal muscles by the cunning deceptions which have marked the ABS time on Earth.

But now, the Truth is Out!

Sent from the deepest, darkest, spaciest depths of all deep, dark space, the ABS arrived in our galaxy some ten gajillion2 lightyears ago--in a distance when time meant something other than it will mean yesterday. Their purpose was unclear, as in that distance the ABS were naught but a formless, shapeless, spaceless, sizeless, gormless entity, without form, shape, space, size, or gorm to call their own. As the beardseconds passed and the expansion of the universe carried itself shakily onward by more than a few shakes of an admittedly shaky lamb's tail, the ABS grew sentient(ish) and their mission became clear(ish).

They were to destroy humankind. Sooner or later.

Eons3 passed and the ABS have still not made their move. Time is precious to us in this, the final showdown between man and core muscle. Will the rippling, six-pack-shaped terror from the furthest reaches of further reached space make good on that ancient promise goodly made before humankind ever slithered and grimed it's slithery, grimey way out of the primordial Minestrone? Is it true that the ABS represent a cosmic power more cosmically powerful than the Power Cosmic4 itself? Is our hopeless situation utterly without hope? Should we, in the face of our desperate situation, despair? Are we doomed by our impending doom? Will the coming Armageddon be anything short of apocalyptic?

Of course.

Not.

Not if the "Truth about ABS" has anything to say about it. Containing the raw, unfiltered, apocalypse-preventing power of Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, and Billy Bob Thornton (but not Ben Affleck) from Armageddon; Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, Terminator 2 (but not 3), and Predator; Lori Petty from Tank Girl; Charlton Heston (in general); Harrison Ford from Blade Runner (and maybe The Fugitive, for the hell of it); and Keanu Reeves from the first Matrix movie, if anything packs the Wallop of Truth sufficient to the task of stopping the ABS, it is the "Truth about ABS."

Perhaps Michael Jordan said it best: "The 'Truth about ABS' is like eating your Wheaties, only with annihilating an ancient power hellbent on the destruction of human life as we know it!"

Notes
1. I was once slapped in the face with a raw steak following this exact phrase. I've worked in a lot of restaurants, and it's only a matter of time before some other cook waves a sirloin in your face and threatens to "hit you in the face with his meat" (crude innuendo, anyone?). Needless to say, I was stunned and slightly appalled at the cold, slimy, and entirely unexpected THWAP of a thee-quarter-pound cut of beef connecting with my cheek. Certainly an experience I won't willingly repeat.

2. Gajillions of laffs here.

3. Eon (n.): comical mispronunciation of my first name. Alternatively, the length of time separating the chaste thoughts of a teenage boy.

4. Not to be confused with The Power Cosmic. Obvi totes.

Comments

David Dodd Dec. 4, 2009 @ 1:53 a.m.

Okay, if you're talking JUST Lori Petty here, then I'm tempted. Otherwise, ABS is an acronym for acrylonitrile butadiene styrene, which is a thermoplastic polymer used mainly in drainage tubes.

Oh, and in economics, actually, the lack of food and sale of dish racks works quite nicely. No food = no cooking = no dishes to clean = no need for dish racks. Us economic types from the Hayek school of microeconomics call that creative destruction. Sell dishracks, buy food with money from the sale, cook food, serve food on dishes, observe dirty dishes, and then blame the government for a lack of "government sponsored free dish racks in order to promote the free market".

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SDaniels Dec. 4, 2009 @ 2:19 a.m.

"Eon's3 passed"

All this emphasis, but we still don't get what exactly belongs to these "Eons" passed, Ian.*

  • See Bob the Angry Flower for more on apostrophe placement ;)
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SDaniels Dec. 4, 2009 @ 2:20 a.m.

re: #1: I am going to use this formula for everything!

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SDaniels Dec. 4, 2009 @ 2:31 a.m.

"I was once slapped in the face with a raw steak following this exact phrase."

Think I read about this particular practice in Anthony Bourdain's "Kitchen Confidential." It has got to be accompanied by some reference to man's meat, yes. Otherwise, it would just be a slap with a steak, and that's no fun. ;)

Now, staying somewhat on topic, about this "slammer hammer:" What I want to know is how it has only received "slight cosmetic damage." If it were truly the 'Hammer,' would it not have incurred more battle scars? And wouldn't the poster want to describe it in more manly terms? Instead of "slight cosmetic damage," which could be referring to Joan Rivers' or Carol Channings' or Priscilla Presley's face jobs, let's hear about the really cool giant gashes through the neck or totally awesome splinters you'll get on the fret--YAH DUDE! Brah! Etc.

And amazingly still on topic, thanks to gringo and "Eon," we can now put a name to what actually happened to Priscilla Presley's face!

"ABS is an acronym for acrylonitrile butadiene styrene, which is a thermoplastic polymer used mainly in drainage tubes..."

...and to fill in musculature of Ms Presley's cheeks, forehead, and jaw. Thus, alas, went the polymerization of Helen."

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David Dodd Dec. 4, 2009 @ 3:02 a.m.

Re #3: If you do, beware, people will accuse you of being a Libertarian ;)

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FullFlavorPike Dec. 4, 2009 @ 7:37 a.m.

ABS is also for "Antilock Braking System," which many of us purists think is no fun at all.

I agree that the Slammer Hammer should be smashed all to s***, "London Calling" style. Does this also count as "creative destruction," Gringo?

Stupid ' gets all confusey looking late at night and jammed in with all the extraneous coding. Fixed as of three minutes from now.

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