When I saw “Card Services” on the Caller ID, I assumed spending money on the other side of the country had spooked one of my credit card accounts into thinking there was a possible fraud. …

You just can’t trust people. Beneath every bit of apparent altruism, of friendliness and good intentions, under the layers of pretense we spend a lifetime collecting and carefully positioning...we are, each of us, in every …

I’m embarrassingly terrible about moving. I have very little patience—scratch that, I have no patience. Whereas David will methodically organize items in boxes, tape them up, and label them, I’ll just sweep my arm across …

Perhaps it's because I'm in a bad mood today, or maybe it's because I've heard it one too many times this week, but regardless of the reason, I'm all in a huff over one particular …

I didn't mind the long line to the checkout counter at Fry's Electronics, not this time. Because this time, there was a puppy in the shopping cart in front of me. "Do you mind?" I …

David and I are on our way out in a few minutes to check out the place we're thinking about moving into. It's contemporary, modern, suits our taste, but we need to stand inside and …

I finally understand why some people feel the need to make up a story to explain an obvious injury. A cast on your leg, a scar across your arm... a chipped tooth. I'm no stranger …

Multitasking arises out of distraction itself. — Marilyn vos Savant I tried my best to tune her out, though I knew my efforts were futile — my sister’s voice screeches skyward every time she’s on …

Harmony seldom makes a headline. — Silas Bent I hadn’t set out to torture the mayor of Coronado, but things rarely turn out the way I expect. I didn’t even know Coronado had a mayor, …

Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs Just as the modern woman doesn’t go on a first date without a new dress and …

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. — Mark Twain I rolled over, reached my arm out from beneath the …

No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness — or so good as drink. — Lord Chesterton I pilfered a Diet Dr. Pepper from my friend’s fridge. A couple of people were drinking red …

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it’s all right. — Maya Angelou Forget marriage — my commitment with my man was consummated the day we …

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not. — Dr. Seuss My jaw hung down in disbelief. New images of the cataclysm were pouring in faster …

Forced capitalism mixed with equal parts fear and guilt and junk-food vice is a darn fine way to make your way in the world. — Mark Morford It’s not hard to find a source for …

Condiments are like old friends — highly thought of, but often taken for granted. — Marilyn Kaytor I waited until the bartender was distracted and then went to work as quickly as possible. “Whoa, there …

Society can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks. — Lin Yutang I stood beside David in the atrium on …

I’ve noticed if you’re a pug owner, you’re pug crazy. — Crystal Key ‘Is that a pig or a pug?” asked the little girl. “It’s a pug in a pig costume,” I said. “If you …

Ah, good taste, what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness. — Pablo Picasso I mustered the energy to lift my head from the spot on the wall that had been holding it …

Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live. — Mark Twain My first reaction upon seeing the girl and her bicycle on the hood of my car was shock. I stared forward …

I don’t know what it is, but it’s weird and pissed off. — from the movie The Thing (Kevin’s favorite quotation, according to his Facebook page) One of my Facebook friends has logged off. For …

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books — how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook. — Andy Rooney I delight in playing hostess to out-of-towners. I use …

Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it’s addressed to someone else. — Ivern Ball I told myself not to freak out as I peered at the paper that …

Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it. — Oprah Winfrey I stood at my window, phone against my ear, and looked down at the …

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it. — Raymond Chandler Click Here for a full Gallery of …

I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement. — Oscar Wilde I kept my eyes on the road while David called out numbers. “We’re looking for 976, so it’s probably going to be …

What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman I didn’t even have a chance to finish saying “Yo” before Jane cut me off — “Help,” she said. I could tell by the panic …

Great food is like great sex. The more you have, the more you want. — Gael Greene A toast was made to friendship; glasses full of sparkling gold clinked, and our smiles reflected the warmth …

When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day. — Marty Bucella My laptop sat atop the piano, two windows open: one displayed sheet music for an advanced, chord-heavy version of …

Madness is rare in individuals — but in groups, political parties, nations, and eras it’s the rule. — Friedrich Nietzsche By 9:30 a.m., we’d been standing on the grass at the National Mall in Washington, …

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain "Jane’s waiting for me downstairs. I’ll see you in a few hours,” I said, kissing David on each cheek. …

I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. — Abraham Lincoln Dad apologized …

Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts. — Abel Stevens I zoomed in on a glittery globe that contained translucent swirls of pink, purple, and green. The sky was a clear, rich …

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. — Winston Churchill Bella held a mini carrot over the pygmy pig’s head, but as the animal’s …

To speak and to speak well are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks. — Ben Jonson "I think we should hit Whole Foods first, then Fry’s, and then Iowa Meat …

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don’t. — Lord Raglan It was warm and sunny the Friday before Labor Day — a perfect day to go to the zoo, or at least …

The acquisition of the knowledge of navigation has a strange effect on the minds of men. — Jack London Lou and I waited on the dock for the others to catch up — they were …

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. — Ralph Waldo Emerson An electronic melody toodled in the other room. Like a mob of meerkats, …

Camping: nature’s way of promoting the motel industry. — Dave Barry "Are you a Burner?” asked the guy sitting across from me. I couldn’t remember his name, only that he was a college student by …

Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity. — Albert Camus My landline was blowing up. Three calls in ten minutes, all from charity organizations. I glared at the receiver. This was …

Truth is such a rare thing, it is delightful to tell it. — Emily Dickinson David arrived home, set his keys on the counter, and retrieved a bottle of green tea from the refrigerator. As …

“We are glorious accidents of an unpredictable process with no drive to complexity.” — Stephen Jay Gould (paleontologist) I told myself I was being magnanimous when I invited my sister and her two sons to …

Craic (crack) — a term for fun, entertainment, and enjoyable conversation, particularly prominent in Ireland. After suggesting we all meet at around 8 or 8:30 for breakfast, Dad confirmed the rendezvous for 8:15. His decision …

How about “Pig Supreme?” asked one of the lambs. “No good,” said Charlotte. “It sounds like a rich dessert.” — E. B. White When my friend Sara announced the impending arrival of her new pet …

I’m anal retentive. I’m a workaholic. I have insomnia. And I’m a control freak. That’s why I’m not married. Who could stand me? — Madonna Few things get past me at parties. I am a …

Oh, the summer night/ Has a smile of light/ And she sits on a sapphire throne. — Barry Cornwall It had been a lackluster evening. Our waiter was unnaturally perky. The bare-wood acoustics made for …

We learn geology the morning after the earthquake. — Ralph Waldo Emerson I felt the tremor in my feet before I heard the familiar groan in the walls — my home bracing itself for a …

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man. — Erica Jong The phone rang. I grabbed the receiver, glanced across the counter at David, and said, “Two guesses.” “Don’t …

Towered cities please us then,/ And the busy hum of men. — John Milton The flags marked the transition from one kingdom to the next. I knew the meaning of all the colors and symbols …

Driving a brand-new car feels like driving around in an open billfold with the dollars flapping by your ears as they fly out the window. — Grey Livingston I led the uniformed man around the …

On this shrunken globe, men can no longer live as strangers. — Adlai E. Stevenson People think time is fixed, an immutable truth like the laws of mass and energy. They’re wrong. Seven days of …

Why don’t you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini? — Robert Benchley "M and H. This must be it,” I said, stopping before an unlit gray door on which the …

The essence of pleasure is spontaneity. — Germaine Greer Normally, it would kill me to desecrate a beautiful filet mignon by shredding it with plastic cutlery on a paper plate. But extraordinary circumstances demand extraordinary …

I think that there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself than this incessant business. — Henry David Thoreau ‘Imagine if you made a hundred thousand dollars …

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist. — Oscar Wilde ‘See how calm that water looks? That’s because it’s a long exposure. …

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. — Albert Camus I stole a glance at the elderly couple seated to my left and wondered what they were in for. Dementia? …

My boyfriend asked me why women think firemen are sexy, so I explained the pole theory: Men love women who slide down poles, and women love men who slide down poles. Subject dropped. — Terri …

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings. — Evan Esar The sky was clear and the air was an agreeable 68 degrees — ideal conditions for visiting the zoo. When I …

Equipped with his five senses, man explores the universe around him and calls the adventure Science. — Edwin Powell Hubble I picked up a chunk of “astronaut ice cream” with my fingers and popped it …

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. — Mark Twain I positioned the necklace on the table — novelty beads flaunting the number “40” with a glittery …

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker ‘Huh. I never thought about it like that.” The others paused in a conversation they were having about cocktails and …

The world does not always understand that those within a subculture are merely people, and that when people are targeted for being different, humanity suffers a loss of itself. — Gothic Volunteer Alliance In nightclubs …

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. — Chauncey Mitchell Depew With each glass of wine, Jen sunk a little deeper into …

Beer and rugby are more or less synonymous. — Chris Laidlaw I like to think of myself as pretty hip. It’s not as if I’m walking around with an iPad or anything, but when it …

Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts. — Abel Stevens “How can we invite her and not invite him?” I asked David. “You can’t,” David answered. “You need to decide how important …

It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. — Roy Disney A tight shot on George Clooney’s face opened and drew back, across the bare hotel room in which he …

There is an Irish way of paying compliments as though they were irresistible truths which makes what would otherwise be an impertinence delightful. — Katherine Tynan Hinkson "‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,' as Father Neil would …

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. — Marshall Lumsden "Dododummyshutup,” said my friend Joe the sommelier. His cheeks reddened, corroborating the statement …

I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s. — Henry Moore January is my least favorite month. February is cozy with groundhogs and hearts, March is revelry with Mardi Gras and St. …

There’s a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out. — Lou Reed Heading north on the 163, I yawned and blinked my eyes. It was nice to have the road …

There are always germs, and you’re never going to get rid of all of them. — Cheryl Mendelson I scrutinized the underside of David’s shoe as it dangled in the air. The sole and its …

If you wish to converse with me, define your terms. — Voltaire "We could have watched a movie in the time it’s taken you to pick one,” I said, failing in my attempt to make …

The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out. — Thomas Babington Macaulay We suspected something was up. “We” being Corinne and the …

Architecture is a social act and the material theater of human activity. — Spiro Kostof If you told me five months ago that one day in the near future I’d be standing before 500 people …

The truth brings with it a great measure of absolution, always. — R.D. Laing After I broke the news to my mother that David and I would be traveling to the East Coast to celebrate …

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt David swirled the wine in his oversized glass and brought it to his nose. After an exaggerated sniff, he said, “I’m getting a …

I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier? — John Steinbeck It was 10:30 p.m. on Friday night, and the …

Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both. — David Brown I led David through a labyrinth of suspended fabric and into an …

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. — Unknown "Are you sure you don’t mind if I eat in front of you?” I asked, as I moved …

That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another. — Adlai Stevenson I sidled up to David and waited for him to finish explaining his artistic …

Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. — Oliver Wendell Holmes ‘Here I was, sitting outside in the car, trying to not be obnoxiously early, and …

Housework, if it is done right, can kill you. — John Skow David emitted a little grunt each time he advanced, making it only a few inches at a time as he faced the wall …

In the nineteenth century, men lost their fear of God and acquired a fear of microbes. — Author Unknown Swine flu is tearing my family apart. Okay, maybe not the flu itself so much as …

The tendency to whining and complaining may be taken as the surest sign of little souls and inferior intellects. — Lord Jeffrey I struggled to maintain a deadpan expression, using what was left of my …

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. — Author Unknown "Two cups of coffee and I’m still groggy.” I brought my fingers to my forehead and kneaded the area around my brows, as much to relieve …

Language...has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone. — Paul Johannes Tillich As I stood to one …

When something itches, my dear sir, the natural tendency is to scratch. — Dr. Brubaker in The Seven Year Itch Are you getting itchy?” I asked. “Why, are you?” David countered. “Hey, that’s not an …

How do you forge a friendship in 140 characters or less? — Rosa Jurjevics "So, how do you know Charley and Rebecca?” asked the woman in the white dress. I’d noticed her earlier, had admired …

When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat? — Chuck Palahniuk "This is just the kind of thing I was in the mood for," I said, gesturing at my plate …

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. — Bertrand Russell The stars were bright in Chula Vista — not desert-brilliant but dazzling enough when …

There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them. — Andre Gide I sensed that the status was definitely not quo, even before I noticed the reddish-brown spot that had appeared …

I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. — John Steinbeck ‘I’m going to ask you both to …

To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography. — George Santayana ‘Where are you from?” It was a simple question. But the way Jane stared back at the guy, …

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. — Mell Lazarus Had it not been for the unmistakable racket of a wailing child and the desperate, hushed tone of …

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. — Erica Jong As Karen chronicled her first few dates with a new guy, I couldn’t help thinking how …

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). — Eddie Izzard I exited the freeway 20 or so miles east of San Diego. Noting the prevalence of …

I love my father as the stars — he’s a bright shining example and a happy twinkling in my heart. — Adabella Radici Dad sat on my red couch, his left hand clutching his right. …

Nobody on his deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” — Paul Tsongas I rolled onto my right side and stretched my left arm toward the nightstand. I simultaneously …

Youth is a disease from which we all recover. — Dorothy Fulheim ‘That’s the third billboard for 17 Again that we’ve passed in as many blocks. I forgot how thick they lay it on here,” …

A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself. He can live without hope, without friends, without books, even without music, as long as he can listen to his own thoughts. …

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. —Joan Kerr Bella approached the refrigerator with cautious curiosity. “Are you thirsty, honey?” …

What’s the big mystery? It’s my vagina, not the sphinx! — Miranda on Sex and the City We were at Target, a store Jane hits up an average of three times a week. While Jane …

In the strict scientific sense, we all feed on death — even vegetarians. — Mr. Spock, Star Trek My friend Hanis has a tattoo of a pig on his left forearm — a simple outline …

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. — Rita Mae Brown "This is fantastic,” I said. “It’s not so good as Josue’s,” said Rosa, turning to her husband. Josue shrugged …

Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. — Georges-Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon I gave a rundown of my day, as I do every morning for David’s benefit. As our social secretary, it’s …

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in. — John Muir In the Kerala state of southwest India blooms …

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. — Émile Zola I wrenched myself from the espresso-machine demo and joined David by the cookbooks. “You sure about this?” I …

As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters. — Solomon Ibn Gabirol I waited in the lobby and watched through the window as the cold rain pelted the sidewalk. I nodded …

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. — Barnett R. Brickner It’s not that I’m a disciple of the supernatural — it’s only human …

Any dolt with half a brain can see that humankind has gone insane. — Dr. Horrible I tried to hide my satisfaction when Janet ordered the burger. I was thrilled she had placed such trust …

Disease is somatic; the suffering from it, psychic. — Martin H. Fischer It began on Sunday morning. From my first bite of oatmeal, whatever I put in my mouth turned bitter on my tongue — …

I dug right down to the bottom of my soul... And cried. ’Cause I felt...nothing. — A Chorus Line “Your phone is ringing,” David said. “It’s your mom. Here.” Disoriented, I took hold of the …

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. — George Bernard Shaw Bella was the first to notice me. She waved one hand high above her head and used the …

Do not keep on with a mockery of friendship after the substance is gone — but part, while you can part friends. Bury the carcass of friendship: it is not worth embalming. — William Hazlitt …

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. — Robert Frost I felt a twinge in my stomach and looked …

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future. — Gail Lumet Buckley Despite a resolution to skip all holiday hullabaloo, I agreed to celebrate …

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this …

“Someone smells a little too human at Trader Joe’s.” — Shindotv on Twitter I bowed forward 90 degrees and slowly lifted my right leg into the air behind me, like a ballerina only not as …

If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. — Linda Sunshine Jenny was …

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. — Sophia Loren To say I was “looking forward” to Thanksgiving would be a gross understatement. I was giddy with anticipation. This would …

If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling. — Dr. R.W. Shepherd By the time I turned off the faucet, …

“Thank heaven for little girls.” — Maurice Chevalier Once I set us up with drinks, a bowl of corn chips, and spinach dip from Trader Joe’s, I hopped onto the couch, crossed my legs, and …

The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones. — Gabirol There are few things that ruffle my fancy feathers more than acts of inconsideration. A shopping cart left stranded close to …

Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed. — Irene Peter I’m not the type to mount a soapbox and demand credit for my accomplishments, but in this case, it never could have …

I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. — Abraham Lincoln Before finalizing …

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves. — Earl Wilson Six months ago, when I first felt the rippling effects of the subprime mortgage meltdown, I began systematically …

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. — Mae West The rain fell in big droplets on the centuries-old cobblestones in Barcelona’s Gothic Quarter. As we searched for shelter, I …

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. — Maureen Murphy "Okay, here’s the deal,” I said, as Amy set her purse …

One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing. — Frank Sheed ‘How do you say, ‘Your mother is a toad’?” I said, lifting my pen in expectation. “I don’t …

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. — William Morris David was both appreciative and apprehensive when I offered to help him. He desired …

An easygoing husband is the one indispensable comfort of life. — Marie Louise De La Ramee ‘You know what sounds really good right now?” David looked up from the magazine in his hands. “Frozen ravioli …

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner When Rosa asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day, I shifted uncomfortably in …

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere. — Frank A. Clark The only burp so far on our maiden voyage to Montreal had been the poutine. As a …

If it’s true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers. — Doris Day According to a recent article in the Boston Globe, over 80 percent …

Video games are bad for you? That’s what they said about rock and roll. — Shigeru Miyamoto Heather was right when she said an explanation wouldn’t do it justice, that if I were to fully …

Yoga is difficult for the one whose mind is not subdued. — Bhagavad Gita Despite all the dismissive things I’ve said about patchouli-wearing chakra tweakers, I still wanted to try yoga. Though my inherent impatience …

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. -- Orson Welles I wondered whether or not it mattered that I'd missed the first few episodes and decided …

What is bought is cheaper than a gift. — Portuguese proverb I had told Jen to be ready at 8:15 a.m. At 8 a.m. she was folding laundry in her garage and, from the look …

All weddings, except those with shotguns in evidence, are wonderful. — Liz Smith The first one was periwinkle and the texture of living room drapes. The second was a shiny satin the shade of sea-foam …

When I free my body from its clothes, from all their buttons, belts, and laces, it seems to me that my soul takes a deeper, freer breath. — August Strindberg My arms were trapped above …

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” — Dave Barry The initial symptoms of a massive failure, such as a heart attack or stroke — a sore arm, a bit of …

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates David’s brother Dana and I stood side by side, surveying the items arranged on his mother’s kitchen table. At one …

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. — Gloria Naylor Like a good amateur psychologist, when I encounter a hot mess of a woman I immediately look to her father. More often …

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. — Dorothy Parker Most of the “lingerie parties” I’ve attended have featured women arriving in their finest lace or leather thongs and teddies. But the invitation on my desk …

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. — G.K. Chesterton It was not an invitation — it was a challenge. It didn’t say “Mac and Cheese Party,” it said, “Mac and …

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. — Dorothy Parker When I was six years old I had an imaginary friend named Jesus. Like most children, I attributed nearly everything that happened or …

Tea to the English is really a picnic indoors. — Alice Walker Mom had been exercising her pinkie for three days. She told me the exhaustive sets of pinkie-extensions were in preparation for her first …

A good writer is not, per se, a good book critic. No more so than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender. — Jim Bishop There are two kinds of women: those who don’t …

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: “Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma.” — Linda Sunshine David staggered …

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. — Woody Allen I led David to the nose of the ferry — it was a gusty day and the sea was choppy, so the ride …

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other. — Ed Howe The gestation period had only been three months — from the date I conceived my little one to the moment …

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. — Alfred E. Neuman After searching every aisle, I found David squeezing avocados …

For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. — Friedrich Nietzsche It was a cruel thing to do, but I don’t blame him. I doubt he understood the ramifications of typing …

While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many. — Lady Bird Johnson I was about ten …

Tell me what you eat, I’ll tell you who you are. — Anthelme Brillat-Savarin I was an occasional user. At least that’s what I told myself. “It’s not that I need it,” I’d say, “it’s …

I had a cold, wet, numb butt; it was nice because I was getting hot. — Heather, Barbarella’s sister Our absurd attempt to produce fire in the wood stove long abandoned, David and I lounged …

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. — Dave Barry The way my friend Jen tells it, her boyfriend Rob arrived home from work an hour before sunset …

I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them. — Susan Sontag I didn’t want to see the doctor. I never do. But my options were running out — pills made me …

The Secret is not just a moronic hymn to greed and selfishness; it nastily suggests that victims of catastrophe are the authors of their misfortunes. — Catherine Bennett In case any bubble dwellers happen upon …

I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide. — Steve Martin as Harris in L.A. Story To me, the word “chocolate” is the penultimate attention-grabber, second only …

The car has become a secular sanctuary for the individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile Walden Pond. — Edward McDonagh One damp December morning, while frantically twisting the key this way and that …

Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long. — …

When I look at my hands and in my heart, I see stress as Lady Macbeth saw blood. — Berri Clove I was going to tell him after we’d ordered our entrées, but I had …

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t. — Henry Ward Beecher I held the camera as steady as I could without …

Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering. — Carl Jung A ladybug ambled across my absentee ballot and paused, seemingly undecided between YES and NO on one of the Indian gaming propositions. As the …

It is impossible to overdo luxury. — French Proverb The orange light reflecting off the water’s surface slowly transformed to red. “You should have put some music on,” I said, gesturing at the iPod dock …

When the wine goes in, strange things come out. — Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller David opened a second bottle of wine and circled the room refilling glasses. Our guests were neighbors from the building …

Lo! Men have become the tools of their tools. — Henry David Thoreau I remember my first time like it was yesterday. My heart beat fast with the excitement and trepidation of journeying into virgin …

“I hate the holidays,” he had said on more than one occasion. “The obligation, the pressure, the spending money on things that people don’t need.”

I am leaving the town to the invaders: increasingly numerous, mediocre, dirty, badly behaved, shameless tourists. -- Brigitte Bardot W e told our friends we were going for the food, but that was a partial …

Love looks forward hate looks back, anxiety has eyes all over its head. -- Mignon McLaughlin Everything had been going so well. The Seattle sky was uncommonly clear for December. The overall atmosphere was festive …

Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary An …

There are no facts, only interpretations. -- Friedrich Nietzsche 'You want some eggs with that ketchup?" "Very funny, Four-Eyes," Dad said, using the nickname he gave me when I got my first pair of glasses …

Were not I thine only nurse, I would say thou hadst suck'd wisdom from thy teat. -- William Shakespeare I was standing in the kitchen, weighing the exertion of making my own coffee against the …

I speak two languages, Body and English. -- Mae West Exposed as I was to the elements, I was relieved it wasn't raining, but I was thankful for the clouds, which muted the sun's glare …

There is no such thing as a weird human being; it's just that some people require more understanding than others.-- Tom Robbins I gazed out the rain-streaked window and watched a colorful collection of birds …

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.-- Jerry Falwell Braced against the elements with newly acquired rubber-toed boots, bright red scarf, and a wooden-handled umbrella whose underside …

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain She looked amused. Or terrified. It was hard to tell. I had only spent three, maybe four hours with her, …

To the sober person, adventurous conduct seems insanity.-- Aristotle I awoke to the same rhythmic rocking that had lulled me to sleep seven hours earlier. I could hear David stirring on the bunk above, an …

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.-- Susan Heller The ridiculousness of my situation did not occur to me until …

The pain passes, but the beauty remains.-- Pierre-Auguste Renoir 'C heck out the woman in the red shirt three sizes too small and the guy in purple plaid shorts," said David. "Eastern European?" I guessed. …

When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. -- George Carlin I stood at the kitchen counter, enjoying a hardboiled egg. …

Toys were lots of fun before they became capitalist tools. -- Beth Copeland Vargo The thermostat read 85, but it felt more like 100. Jen and I sat side by side on the warm concrete, …

When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better. -- Mae West I sensed the conversation was drawing to a close, so I stopped pacing back and forth on the rug. …

An hour of basketball feels like 15 minutes. An hour on a treadmill feels like a weekend in traffic school. -- David Walters I was five minutes in; by ten minutes, sweat would begin to …

The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us. -- Ashley Montagu It was a brilliant idea. Machiavellian genius. Why hadn't I …

Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. -- Ian Hay 'H ey, beh beh!" I called out, as I often do when I'm comfy in my office and don't want to …

A horse which stops dead just before a jump and thus propels its rider into a graceful arc provides a splendid excuse for general merriment. -- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh I t was 8 …

Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great. -- Roger De Bussy-Rabutin I was reluctant to leave, even though it had been my decision to go. …

Fear is not the natural state of civilized people. -- Aung San Suu Kyi If the morning had been anything other than unremarkable, I might have been better prepared for the terrible onslaught that was …

The whole celebrity culture thing -- I'm fascinated by, and repelled by, and yet I end up knowing about it. -- Anderson Cooper I surveyed my surroundings, noting the worn carpet, the paint peeling from …

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. -- Frank Lloyd Wright For every five people who hear me say, "I'm going to Martha's Vineyard for a few weeks," …

The whales, you see, eat up the little fish. -- Thomas Churchyard As Jane piloted her monstrous mom-mobile and I read directions aloud, I was suddenly distracted by the sound of my name. Swiveling in …

It is difficult not to wonder whether that combination of elements which produces a machine for labor does not create also a soul of sorts, a dull resentful metallic will, which can rebel at times. …

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. …

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald I was three steps from the entrance of my building when I noticed him. He …

With time, even a bear can learn to dance. -- Yiddish proverb David doesn't dance. Sure, he may bob his head to the music here and there, and, if he's had enough wine, he might …

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. -- Phyllis Diller M onths ago, when a friend of mine who lives in L.A. told me she wanted to plan …

Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, from The Devil's Dictionary The blaring phone interrupted my intense struggle with the latches …

If Uncle Gerry can help you in any way, you know the number. -- Uncle Gerry I think it's stupid to assign so much significance to last words, those final utterances of a dying man. …

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and died. -- Ambrose Bierce I t was the first time …

Children are a house's enemy. They don't mean to be -- they just can't help it. It's their enthusiasm, their energy, their naturally destructive tendencies. -- Delia Ephron David's sister, Michelle, relayed the usual sentiments …

If I'd belched, I'd have cleared the table, and some people would have passed out. -- My father It was decided months ago that if they wanted to jump into the deep end of the …

Strength of mind rests in sobriety; for this keeps your reason unclouded by passion. -- Pythagoras I melted into David's side and craned my neck to see his face. "Kiss me," I prodded. It sounded …

Sanity is a small price to pay for happiness. -- Marabeth Madsen It had only been a clump of clay, a pebble-sized bit of hardened scraggy earth the color of cement; but once wedged in …

Friends are generally of the same sex, for when men and women agree, it is only in the conclusions; their reasons are always different. -- George Santayana I knew they'd say yes. No woman in …

If you lay down, the baby will never come out! -- Native American saying I didn't think she'd take me seriously. Then again, I was pretty sure she was physically incapable of granting my request. …

"Do-so" is more important than "say-so." -- Pete Seeger After introducing myself to a few people at a recent event, one guy said, "I know you -- you write that diary advice column for the …

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." -- Rita Rudner T hin mats …

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it. -- Sydney J. Harris When we first met, David thought my neurosis was "cute." He toyed with my anxiety-induced OCD as if it …

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out. -- Mae West Jen and I sat on the bench in the entryway to the theater. We rested our backs against a poster …

Thy food is such as hath been belched on by infected lungs. -- William Shakespeare I don't know what I found more disturbing: the words, "It can be difficult to keep the live octopus in …

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it. -- Haim Ginott Rosa was replenishing her glass with red wine when she announced, "I hate children." After …

Picasso said once when being interviewed that one should not be one's own connoisseur. -- Kenneth Koch I rested the pen against my chin and contemplated the list before me. Below "Interests," I'd written, "dining, …

People talk about "dysfunctional" families; I've never seen any other kind. -- Sue Grafton I don't know why I was so surprised. I mean, I've been with him for four years -- it was bound …

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. -- John Russell O vercome by hormonal surges, most pregnant women are a little crazy. My sister Jane, who was a bit off in the head before she …

How few of his friends' houses would a man choose to be at when he is sick. -- Samuel Johnson I stabbed a chunk of potato salad with my fork and brought it to my …

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. -- Bob Phillips I heard the faint tinkling of bells and urged my …

It often happens that the real tragedies of life occur in such an inartistic manner that they hurt us by their crude violence, their absolute incoherence, their absurd want of meaning, their entire lack of …

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. -- Spike Milligan I was sitting in the coffee …

These earthly godfathers of Heaven's lights, that give a name to every fixed star, have no more profit of their shining nights than those that walk and know not what they are. -- William Shakespeare …

People always overdo the matter when they attempt deception. -- Charles Dudley Warner 'I f you can boze, please give me advice. I am sinking vee are have a problem," said David's mother, Ency, in …

No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy. -- Bryant H. McGill People are bothering me. I realize their antagonisms are unintentional for the most part but, nevertheless, I continue to be …

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. -- Roy Croft David is leaving me. I've seen this coming for months now -- …

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. -- Edgar Watson Howe Changing my position from right to left was a snap decision, made in the half-second between the second and …

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. -- Deepak Chopra Five bucks an hour was big money. It was couples' Bunco night -- I stood to …

My land is bare of chattering folk; the clouds are low along the ridges, and sweet's the air with curly smoke from all my burning bridges. -- Dorothy Parker Friendships can end for any number …

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker It's not fair to say I was dragged here. The embarrassing truth is that I came …

That's the thing with magic. You've got to know it's still here, all around us, or it just stays invisible for you. -- Charles de Lint 'Two amazingly synchronistic things happened to me this morning, …

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. -- Linda Sunshine We had …

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept. -- Bill Watterson I had noticed it before, but I wasn't worried. Not until David brought it to my attention one night as I …

It is comfortable for us to pretend, in our nouveau puritanical way, that our fellow family members don't "do it." Adolescents -- Daddy's girls and Momma's boys, especially -- cringe when presented with the idea …

Live for yourself -- there's no one else more worth living for. Begging hands and bleeding hearts will only cry out for more. -- Neil Peart (of the band Rush) We emerged from the underground …

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30. -- Robert Frost It was the first Saturday of March 1995. Mom was in the kitchen making chicken …

Never a lip is curved with pain that can't be kissed into smiles again. -- Bret Harte I knew something was wrong when I flipped back the covers, rose to a standing position, and felt …

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. -- T.S. Eliot 'I just got word that the pilot's being picked up," said a voice …

I always feel like somebody's watching me. -- Rockwell I played it off as a joke when David gave me binoculars for my birthday last year, something that would have been easier to do had …

If you are living out of a sense of obligation you are a slave. -- Wayne Dyer You might think, after you read what I'm about to share, that I am a horrible person. But …

To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none. -- Francis Bacon 'This is taking a really long time. We should have given our ticket to our waitress and stayed inside," David complained. "She offered," …

What is more agreeable than one's home? -- Marcus Tullius I opened my eyes and turned my head to face David, my hair trailing across the white pillow beneath me. This time it took only …

From age to age, nothing changes, and yet everything...is completely different. -- Aldous Huxley David and I were distracted from the conversation when two young boys cruised by on bicycles. It wasn't the shiny red …

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. -- Wayne Dyer As my sister declared how fed up she was with someone who seemed unwilling to return her …

No one can be as calculatedly rude as the British, which amazes Americans, who do not understand studied insult and can only offer abuse as a substitute. -- Paul Gallico I should have felt something …

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. -- Raymond Lindquist When overwhelmed with options, I revert to what I know. If confronted with an extensive menu at a high-end restaurant, I scan …

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. -- Fran Lebowitz "Ah, shit, don't open it. I already know what it is. Look, there's a rattle drawn …

Voyage, travel, and change of place impart vigor. -- Seneca Four people in the past three days have asked me the same question: "How does one pack for that long?" As I prepare to be …

The trouble about always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind. -- G.K. Chesterton "Did you fast?" The seated …

Journal writing is a voyage to the interior. -- Christina Baldwin I looked around for something to throw. The thought of lashing out physically caused my heart to skip a beat in anticipation of such …

When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. -- G.K. Chesterton "I spare no expense when it comes to my girls," Dad said …

I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers. -- Kahlil Gibran The woman with one dreadlock in her otherwise …

To have another language is to possess a second soul. -- Charlemagne It began as a routine trip to Borders. Once we had arrived at the mega bookstore (or as I sometimes refer to it, …

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means "put down." -- Bob Newhart I thought he was kidding -- …

It was early on a Saturday morning and showering was my only accomplishment thus far. I was digging through a pile of clean laundry, looking for a shirt to throw over my blue jeans and …

It's a pleasant thing to be young, and have ten toes. -- Robert Louis Stevenson I should have taken her someplace nicer. As I parked the car, I tried to remember my motives for bringing …

He is a hypocrite who professes what he does not believe; not he who does not practice all he wishes or approves. -- William Hazlitt I was raised Catholic. For years I spent Sunday mornings …

Remember, our conduct is influenced not by our experience but by our expectations. -- George Bernard Shaw I was 14 the first time I learned there was a party held by one of my friends …

Get a bicycle. You will not regret it. If you live. -- Mark Twain This was a bad idea, I thought, guiding the two wheels beneath me in a wobbling maneuver to avoid the cement …

Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale. -- Hans Christian Andersen 'I'm so tired," David said. "It's like I have no energy." His eyelids drooped and his shoulders fell forward; he had dragged his …

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. -- Mark Twain I stood by the door and waited for Jane. "Come on, Bella, we're going for a walk! Want to wear …

I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness or satisfaction. -- Dalai Lama 'I need your advice," I said. Jennifer and Grace …

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. -- Dave Barry David sat across from me at one end of the long table. Or, more accurately, …

She's lookin' for a prize, man you killin' me/Actin' like you don't see the dollar signs in her eyes/She wants her nails done, and her hair, too/Plus a diamond necklace, that's all on you. -- …

Identity would seem to be the garment with which one covers the nakedness of the self, in which case, it is best that the garment be loose, a little like the robes of the desert, …

Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. -- Erma Bombeck The sunlight glinting off the crystalline snow was painfully bright. I traded my rectangular black and …

The robb'd that smiles, steals something from the thief. -- William Shakespeare 'How could they not feel guilty with all of our pictures here? I mean, we were basically staring at them as they did …

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. -- Mahatma Gandhi 'We live like kings," Dad said. The last pill from the colorful assortment in his hand disappeared …

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises. -- Ellen DeGeneres David groans in anguish. "I'm old enough to know better," he sighs, dragging the last syllable, eeerrrrrr, …

She's proved herself enough. It's not like she's looked at as a female on track. She's just another driver and a very good one at that. -- Dan Wheldon I reluctantly shed the warm comforter …

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. -- Voltaire I shivered with cold, or was it nervousness? Every object in the dark room was bathed in the red …

Children have neither a past nor a future. Thus they enjoy the present -- which seldom happens to us. -- Jean de La Bruyere 'David seems tense," said Ollie. I waited for him to collect …

Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting, and autumn a mosaic of them all. -- Stanley Horowitz I woke up to the sound of rain drumming on the cedar shingles and …