Diary of a Diva

Trick or teeth

Snaggletoothed Barb gives Mom something to laugh at.

Mom’s place is where I’d want to be during the zombie apocalypse. We could survive for years on all those boxes with pictures of balanced meals on the front, along with the words, “Just add water and heat.”

Thumb Drive

Bloody mandoline. Dinner delayed.

“It’s a good thing it happened to that thumb. I mean, if you’d cut your right thumb? Buttoning your pants, holding things, writing? That would be the worst — you use your right thumb for a million things.”

Jackie & Jill

Sadness at a gay wedding in Point Loma

“It’s sad for her dad. I feel bad for him. He’s the one being deprived today. Most parents just want their kids to be happy, and that’s enough. But this guy, he’s robbing himself of this moment.”

So You Think You Can Kizomba

She explained how students bounced around, frequently switching partners. “It’s, like, ‘Hi, how are you? Here’s my chest,’ okay, boom, ‘Hi, how are you? Here’s my chest,’ over and over.”

Gluten-free in Texas

Barb asks the flight attendant for rat poison.

“I wouldn’t usually mind if we were going to a vegetarian restaurant,” I said as David pulled into the lot. “But for the few days we’re here, I’m reluctant to order anything but beef.”

Ten years

Barb and David, telepathic at last...sort of

“Enjoy it. Oh, and don’t be offended if you get lingering glances from some of the leather-clad men here tonight. On the contrary, take it as a compliment if they even notice you in those clothes.”

Happy horses

Barb chooses the wrong hat for the Del Mar racetrack.

Someone else, having overheard our conversation, piped in, “Most of these horses have stylists, massage therapists, and veterinarians constantly catering to their every need.”

Good smut

Barb growls, snaps, and stands up for good literary porn.

“This is an actual quote from the book: ‘If this guy is over thirty, then I’m a monkey’s uncle.’ And, ‘My inner goddess is dancing.’ I mean, come on... It’s like she’s trying to make readers groan.”

Dubstep speaks to me

Is the death of opera so terrible?

“When you talk about ‘classical music,’” he said, using air quotes, “you limit yourself to composers of a specific era. Why aren’t you exulting the genius of the ancient Greek composer Limenius?”

Apologetic demons

“You just bought me lunch,” I responded. “And I told you I could help. If I wasn’t available, I would have said no. And give me a little more credit — you know I don’t do things I don’t want to do.”

And the Emmy goes to...

I found out later that, when the nominees were being announced, Mom had anxiously dug her nails into my sister Heather’s leg. “Yup, that’s gonna bruise,” Heather said.

Ghostly Remnants

Barb passes on the “camping reunion”

“Going to a reunion would be like seeing a stranger on the street and wanting to know what college they went to and how many kids they have. Sure, once upon a time I went to a class with you, but...”

Watch the Damn Movie

“I don’t want to watch something I’ve never seen and am really excited to see, because with a crowd like this, there’s gonna be talking, and I don’t want to be the bitch who tells everyone to shut up.”

My Sudden Torment

“I could sit and read all day, but then I won’t be able to pay my bills. And it’s not like I dread the work. It’s not like I have to scrub toilets. I enjoy doing all the things on my to-do list.”

Sights not unseen

David tells Barb that sometimes it hurts to look.

“Weird stuff is entertaining in its own way. I just saw a video of an ox chasing people through a hospital. You have to admit, that’s an extraordinary happening, and that’s what makes it interesting.”

Birthday boil

A little advice would have saved Barb’s sister’s lunch.

The first thing we asked for was a round of waters. “None for me, thanks,” Jenny said to our shock, opting instead for a diet soda. “You really should drink some water,” we insisted.

Join our
newsletter list

Enter to win $25 at Broken Yolk Cafe

Each newsletter subscription
means another chance to win!

Close