Diary of a Diva

Diary of a Diva

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France in an Instant

Did you see the headline from China? They teleported photons over 60 miles,” I said. When David shook his head in the affirmative, I felt a sense of pride in my worldliness. “Yeah, it was ...

Cirque du Crazy

I have issues with time. Not the laid-back, “I’ll get there when I get there” variety that seems to afflict so many here in San Diego. My time issues are more Swiss-German. I was standing ...

Massage Muddled

I sat on a plush sofa in a room dimly lit with electric candles and fussed over the gap in my robe with one hand while balancing a mango-papaya mimosa in the other. “I can’t ...

Snotty Sister

I lifted my head and looked over my laptop to glare directly at the inharmonious cacophony of sniffling and snuffling. Jane wiped at her nose with the heel of her hand for the umpteenth time ...

Immobile Phone

Do you not see this light blinking?” David squealed, in the same voice he uses when impersonating Vizzini from The Princess Bride, a character best known for the line, “Inconceivable!” “No,” I shrugged. “Phone’s behind ...

Classic Barb Guy

It was two years ago this month that I sought pharmaceutical assistance for my chronic anxiety. It took awhile to get the dosage right — it was four or five visits before I could talk ...

Life and Death

For most of us, death is not a daily affair. Our brains have difficulty processing the idea of our own nonexistence, and our hearts can’t stand considering the possibility of losing a loved one. Unless ...

Jerk 'Em Around

I fished my Evil Hello Kitty bejeweled phone out of my purse, saw my sister’s face on the display, and answered, “Yo, we’re standing outside of Long Island Mike’s waiting for Dad, what are you ...

iPhreaks

It was shortly after 6 a.m. and still dark outside. Dozens of cars populated the parking lot, but I couldn’t locate any bodies. “There,” I said, when I caught the pink flash of a young ...

Betty and the Pets

The invitation read, “black-tie optional.” David opted for black everything — a black silk tie with this black shirt and black suit. “Look, even the dogs are wearing tuxedos,” I said. “Will you hold this ...

Bush League

I was prudent in the selection of my seat. My back was to the window, ensuring I wouldn’t get too warm and could face the room; near the head of the table, at the end ...

Buff Enough

It felt scandalous, my going to an Oscars party when I’d only seen one of the films nominated for Best Picture. It was a fluke I even saw the one — David and I had ...

Junkyard Creatures

I swiveled my head back and forth, but mostly down, and tried not to panic. I’d backed myself into a corner, and not in the figurative way. There were dozens of them, and they were ...

We're All Going to Die

David and I collected our boarding passes, and took a moment to look them over. “I’m sixty-seven,” David said. “First class. My name’s Isidor Strauss.” “I’m fourteen, third class,” I said. “Name’s Jamila.” We lowered ...

Follow the Talent

David and I have taken to watching ice hockey — David’s always loved the sport, and I’ve learned to appreciate the skill it takes to chase a tiny black disc around a slippery sheet of ...

Divine Beast

In 2011 I lost my kick-ass condo and went on anti-anxiety meds that — when combined with stress, financial troubles, moving house, and excessive drinking and dining out — left me two sizes larger. As ...

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