Diary of a Diva

Hard truths

Barb is told she needs more vacations.

The nervousness I felt was rote — anxiety is my body’s automatic response when I’m awaiting test results of any kind, be they medical or scholastic. This one was called a “personality assessment.” It was ...

I. Hate. Mimes.

“Ooh, I know!” Terri’s face lit up so suddenly and brightly, I pictured a little cartoon bulb over her head. “What about mimes? I even have the perfect outfit to wear.” “No mimes,” David said ...

Gah! Ugh.

Barb’s life has real meaning — without kids.

“Gah!” I grumbled at my computer screen. “What?” Of course David had to ask. You can’t sit four feet away from someone who’s grumbling at her computer screen and not ask. “Remember those funny cards ...

Cow-eye juice calamity

“Can you talk for a minute? Something horrible happened to me yesterday.” Jane didn’t bother to identify herself; she didn’t need to. My bleary eyes had easily made out the familiar image of her face ...

Before picture phones

Cheech (sans Chong) and Barb party

“Oh, my God,” Molly whispered to us. “That’s Mel Brooks.” She started to laugh nervously and, soon after, Heather joined in the muffled tittering. The name sounded familiar.

The Perfect Crumple

Barb and David destroy a book — it’s art

“You have four left, right? Let me try it on one, I’ll show you.” Reluctantly, David tore a page from the near-empty spine and handed it to me. I closed my hand around the page.

Diva Las Vegas

"That weekend, there were Bellagio-fountain-worthy waterworks, women traipsing naked in hotel hallways, bitchy pool encounters, and just enough scandalous activity to keep me interested."

Cheats and Liars

"Hey, do you know a guy named Max McEvil? He dropped your name, said he might be doing some work with you.” I raised my brows as I re-read the name, which I didn’t recognize. ...

Divine Manipulation

My friend and creative cohort Terri likes to joke about how manipulative she thinks I am. “I’m not manipulating you,” I’ll say, to which Terri will respond, “How do I know that your saying that ...

Life's Tripod

One of the most troubling aspects of “living in the fast lane” is that there is no exit. There is no slowing down. The only way to stop is to crash. In the real world, ...

Touched by a Lemur

My sister Jane — a bold, don’t-take-no-for-an-answer saleswoman — lives by the adage, “It doesn’t hurt to ask.” Even when she knows a request is unlikely to be granted, she still throws it out there ...

2600 Miles Away

My father refers to David and me as “lesbians.” Dad means no insult — it’s just that nearly all of the couples he knows who seem to be attached at the hip also happen to ...

Into Mexico

Barb, Dad, and David’s Mexican adventure

Sometimes I forget that a mere 15 miles away from downtown San Diego is a-whole-nother country, with its own customs and laws that, despite their close proximity to America, are light years away from those ...

The Worst Time

An invisible ice-pick pierced my right ear and I yelped in agony. The pain was both frosty and fiery, biting and burning. No matter how hard I pushed my head back into the pillow, there ...

Toxic Fairy

Jenny, my wittiest sister, recently discovered a new app for her iPhone that has made group-texting with my sisters far more interesting. Though Heather and I benefit from the potentially endless supply of hilarity, the ...

Horse Croquet

It was a perfect day in Rancho Santa Fe — wisps of white clouds floated through an azure sky and a cool, easy breeze complemented the warmth of the sun. The only thing missing from ...

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