Diary of a Diva

The Worst Time

An invisible ice-pick pierced my right ear and I yelped in agony. The pain was both frosty and fiery, biting and burning. No matter how hard I pushed my head back into the pillow, there ...

Toxic Fairy

Jenny, my wittiest sister, recently discovered a new app for her iPhone that has made group-texting with my sisters far more interesting. Though Heather and I benefit from the potentially endless supply of hilarity, the ...

Horse Croquet

It was a perfect day in Rancho Santa Fe — wisps of white clouds floated through an azure sky and a cool, easy breeze complemented the warmth of the sun. The only thing missing from ...

A Hard Place

I have been suffering from what I refer to as Cause Fatigue, brought on by a barrage of missions mowing me down on the street, at the grocery store, or wherever I am via tweets, ...

Boat Beats Camel

"I’m on a boat!” “I was wondering how long it would be before someone said that,” David said with a sideways smile. “Well, the answer is, ‘Before we’re even onboard,’” I said. I couldn’t tell ...

Pomp and Resistance

It had been cold and cloudy when I’d dressed that morning, and the commencement ceremony wasn’t scheduled to begin until 4:30 p.m.; it never occurred to me that I might find myself trapped for over ...

Calm the F Down

Jane’s Evite said the show began at 6. My father, like me, is loath to feel rushed and is absolutely opposed to any and all kinds of tardiness. When I suggested we ride together, he ...

Squirrelik the Red

Dad thought I was kidding when I warned him that I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself if he lured that squirrel any closer. “David says I have a Snow White complex, but he doesn’t ...

A good man has died

"Did you hear about Graham?” I shook my head and smiled because I imagined some hilarious Graham-shenanigan story was forthcoming. My friend’s face was somber as she reported, “He’s in the hospital. He was in ...

Desert DINKs

David held a tight grip on his phone as he snapped photos out the window of our speeding Mini. “How can it be 95 degrees down here when there’s snow on top of that hill?” ...

Such a Bee

"You’re such a bee,” David said. “Why? What did I do?” “No, no, not that kind of bee! The bug kind,” David clarified, as if that made things any clearer. There were lots of ways ...

The Power Seat

Terri shimmied toward the car — shimmied, because there was no way she could get one whole leg in front of another. The only wiggle-room she had was from the shin down, where her long, ...

Menless

My sisters and I stared at the illustrations on the side of the box, and passed the deceptively light metal tank around as we each took our turn trying to make it work. “Careful, it ...

The Satirical Tourist

“I need to pee again,” I said to Arturo, the man behind the steering wheel. “Didn’t you just go?” “It’s not my fault you’re a camel,” I said, defensively. “And anyway, that was over two ...

Big sisters, little sisters

My sister and I clinked glasses filled with chilled wine (hers a straw-colored chardonnay, mine a blushing rosé) and then leaned back in our chairs with stoned smiles. My eyes wandered the expanse of Jane’s ...

Heavy silence

"Why do you think it’s always boys and never girls who go on these mass-shooting rampages?” I asked David, mostly rhetorically, because I already had my answer. “I think I know why; shooters are mostly ...

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