Diary of a Diva

Lord of the prize

A birthday turtle beheaded.

“There was a huge killer whale, but man, with all the recent press, that wouldn’t be a good thing.”

Tic tact

Barb narrowly avoids being suspected of crack-smoking.

“I wasn’t doing cocaine in the greenroom, I promise,” I said with a somewhat crazed nervous giggle. She smiled, nodded slowly, and then excused herself to go get changed.

Ever after

What? No parmesan? I want a divorce!

When a friend of mine, who is a few years younger than I am (on the earlier side of her 30s), announced that she was getting a divorce, I was dumbfounded. So soon? I thought ...

Move On

Kissed by another man’s wife.

“So? David didn’t get me flowers either,” I said. “Is it at all possible that you’re looking for ways to vilify the guy because that would somehow make kissing his wife an acceptable thing to do?”

Santa Fe or Scandanavia?

Can't pet a reindeer in Nicaragua

I sighed and then held up my phone so David could see the image of the castle I’d been ogling. “I love that Stephanie is posting pics of all her adventures,” I said. Steph, my ...

When skin touches skin

I stretched my arm out across the bed, but when my hand felt only fabric, a pang of panic gripped me. I cast about in the darkness, a sense of desperation rising in my chest, ...

Freaking Frauds

Somebody takes a joy ride with Barb’s money

I sifted through the messy pile of papers on my desk, growing more agitated by the moment. “I know I wrote down the confirmation number,” I said to David, who was standing beside me, waiting. ...

Hard truths

Barb is told she needs more vacations.

The nervousness I felt was rote — anxiety is my body’s automatic response when I’m awaiting test results of any kind, be they medical or scholastic. This one was called a “personality assessment.” It was ...

I. Hate. Mimes.

“Ooh, I know!” Terri’s face lit up so suddenly and brightly, I pictured a little cartoon bulb over her head. “What about mimes? I even have the perfect outfit to wear.” “No mimes,” David said ...

Gah! Ugh.

Barb’s life has real meaning — without kids.

“Gah!” I grumbled at my computer screen. “What?” Of course David had to ask. You can’t sit four feet away from someone who’s grumbling at her computer screen and not ask. “Remember those funny cards ...

Cow-eye juice calamity

“Can you talk for a minute? Something horrible happened to me yesterday.” Jane didn’t bother to identify herself; she didn’t need to. My bleary eyes had easily made out the familiar image of her face ...

Before picture phones

Cheech (sans Chong) and Barb party

“Oh, my God,” Molly whispered to us. “That’s Mel Brooks.” She started to laugh nervously and, soon after, Heather joined in the muffled tittering. The name sounded familiar.

The Perfect Crumple

Barb and David destroy a book — it’s art

“You have four left, right? Let me try it on one, I’ll show you.” Reluctantly, David tore a page from the near-empty spine and handed it to me. I closed my hand around the page.

Diva Las Vegas

"That weekend, there were Bellagio-fountain-worthy waterworks, women traipsing naked in hotel hallways, bitchy pool encounters, and just enough scandalous activity to keep me interested."

Cheats and Liars

"Hey, do you know a guy named Max McEvil? He dropped your name, said he might be doing some work with you.” I raised my brows as I re-read the name, which I didn’t recognize. ...

Divine Manipulation

My friend and creative cohort Terri likes to joke about how manipulative she thinks I am. “I’m not manipulating you,” I’ll say, to which Terri will respond, “How do I know that your saying that ...