Diary of a Diva

Resurrected

“Obviously, as kids we didn’t know the story, and if you don’t know the story, you don’t know how extraordinary, how incredible, how...horrible it is.”

It's not about the rug

I was brushing my teeth and weeping. “Great, now you’re crying,” David said sharply. And that was when it happened. The lava-like angst that had been roiling within me all day finally erupted.

Whatever, Gladys

Great eavesdropping and peeping from the new kitchen

“You like to know everything that’s going on,” he said. I was about to balk when he added, “You’re always trying to find patterns in everything, and that gives you a sense of comfort.”

Clean slate

“You don’t even have an ex,” David said.
“You act like it’s some kind of shortcoming that I nailed this relationship stuff the first time around,” I joked.

Scheming Diva

I might compliment her and she’ll say, “Are you manipulating me?” I’ll say, “No, of course not.” And she’ll look distressed and say, “Are you just saying that to manipulate me?”

GroundFrog Day

Report from Snohomish

The mayor assured us it had happened, the great frognosticator let out a croak, thus proclaiming an early Spring for the friendly, frog-worshiping citizens of Snohomish, Washington.

He posted, she posted

Social media train-wreck

Watching someone have a meltdown or witnessing a drama unfold by way of updates or comments is just as popcorn-chomping engaging as watching train-wreck reality television.

Creeping crud

Why had they come? Why had we not been warned? We’d been sharing dishes, tasting drinks; they were laughing and spitting and double-dipping. What the hell?

Scones for Frodo

Twelve hours, three epics, and eight meals later

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” Even wannabe geeks like me can raise a glass of the Elven-made miruvor to that.

Weird aunt

Brian insisted I download another game called Geometry Dash. I did as he requested, and he excitedly gave me a tutorial. Cool Aunt Level: Unlocked.

Anything chestnut

What Christmas tastes like

I cut in to mention that David is an avid amateur cook who loves to “bring it” for any culinary occasion, but that when one of our guests is a professional chef he pulls out the stops.

Trick or teeth

Snaggletoothed Barb gives Mom something to laugh at.

Mom’s place is where I’d want to be during the zombie apocalypse. We could survive for years on all those boxes with pictures of balanced meals on the front, along with the words, “Just add water and heat.”

Thumb Drive

Bloody mandoline. Dinner delayed.

“It’s a good thing it happened to that thumb. I mean, if you’d cut your right thumb? Buttoning your pants, holding things, writing? That would be the worst — you use your right thumb for a million things.”

Jackie & Jill

Sadness at a gay wedding in Point Loma

“It’s sad for her dad. I feel bad for him. He’s the one being deprived today. Most parents just want their kids to be happy, and that’s enough. But this guy, he’s robbing himself of this moment.”

So You Think You Can Kizomba

She explained how students bounced around, frequently switching partners. “It’s, like, ‘Hi, how are you? Here’s my chest,’ okay, boom, ‘Hi, how are you? Here’s my chest,’ over and over.”

Gluten-free in Texas

Barb asks the flight attendant for rat poison.

“I wouldn’t usually mind if we were going to a vegetarian restaurant,” I said as David pulled into the lot. “But for the few days we’re here, I’m reluctant to order anything but beef.”

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