Diary of a Diva

Pickled on a pickle

In the distance we could see our ride, a giant dirigible designed to look like a cucumber.

A path of rose petals led us to the waiting area. Fresh croissants and an assortment of pastries and colorful cookies, along with porcelain teapots, cucumbers, and red roses were spread out on tiny wooden ...

The Brain Trust book club

I like raccoons

I felt my face flush with heat when across the table I heard these names pronounced correctly, with perfect French accents: “Al-bare Kam-oo” and “Mare-so.”

Two Harbors to ... you know

The side of the island where the only store closes at 6 pm.

At first, David was dejected, and I wasn’t much help. “If we were going to go for fun, I probably would have opted to stay on the fun side of the island,” I said.

Dinner party two-step

The old implications of “not owning a TV” are as obsolete as VHS tapes

The guy with the beard further demonstrated his grace: “So, tell us about you,” he said to the girl, politely indicating it would be nice if she talked about what she did, rather than what she did not.

Palomar picnic

There’re no electrical outlets in the woods

While driving, there is absolutely no expectation in any corner of my mind that I should or could be doing anything else but enjoying the ride. And there are no electrical outlets in the woods.

Judgerella

"My business card is a book."

Judgment gets a bad rap. This is understandable, seeing as the term sounds so much like the closely related “judgmental,” which is used to describe someone who is overly critical, even disapproving.

Mr. Cheese

Disgusted with Richard Cheese’s audience

David decided to dress in the lounge spirit, in an ensemble I referred to as “the afterparty” look: a tuxedo with the bowtie untied and hanging from his neck.

Pocket butler

Laptop charger fouls the bed — what to do?

Katie works full-time at an office job and prefers to spend her weekends hiking, building motorcycles, or simply chilling at home, sans pants.

SYM-phony No. 3

Try to say “symphony” with a straight face

The lights dimmed, and the orchestra began to play. The music was much softer than I remembered from my past experiences. If it were a stereo, I would have turned it up.

Cocktail caviar

Bust out the eyedropper and stir up some cocktails

“I’m going to put the tonic, Aperol, and sodium alginate in that container, and then you need to emotion-blend it while I’m over here mixing the calcium lactate and water in this container.”

Public mastication

Stop moralizing everyone's food choices

At some point, we became accustomed to framing our discussion around food choices in moral terms. It’s stupid, and we need to stop.

This bot sucks

At home with Buster, Alexa, and Siri

“If you think you’re done, Buster, think again,” he said to the machine as if it could understand him. “I’m just going to keep running you until that floor is clean.”

A room with a clue

The gang gets locked up

“I have a confession to make. The four of us tried the escape room downtown.” I didn’t understand why it was a big deal until she finished her confession: “We didn’t make it out.”

Color me ecstatic

Not in it for the illusion of betterment

All my new materials may have been “professional quality” and “intended for adults,” but when the tip of the pencil touched the page, it was childlike joy that coursed through my veins.

I should be happy

Death on the mind — but not because of Halloween

I couldn’t get the idea of death out of my mind. It occurred to me that the only way to control the most unsettling aspect of the inevitability of death was to plan the when and where.

Detecting hypocrisy in Madonna-bashers

Sneetches and freaks

“I think Madonna’s trying too hard to appear young,” said the oldest among us. “Why can’t she just age gracefully? It’s embarrassing, really.”

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