Diary of a Diva

In love with the child-free life

Even the receptionist at work, who was probably around 40 at the time, took to singing at me each time I passed her desk, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”

Freak flag

Battling sophistication at the hairline

“I think there’s this fear about it,” David said. “I mean, when I decided to shave my head — that took years of building up courage. Which is ridiculous, because it would have grown back in a matter of weeks.”

Is that a skunk in your pocket?

Little stinker

“Holding a baby skunk is on my bucket list,” I said. Bob shot David an Is she for real? look, and David assured him of my sincerity.

Agewise

I learned that Frank was the first reporter at the scene of that horrific PSA plane crash in 1978, the one I grew up hearing about. He won a Pulitzer Prize for his reporting. How had I not known that?

Mr. Monster Truck

Disappointed by a less-than-honorable Marine

“It’s just — who does that? What kind of person smashes up someone’s parked car and then leaves without making any attempt to find out who owns it?”

Love and falconry

Gary held out his arm and called, “Habibi!” Gasps traveled like a stadium wave as the falcon, rings affixed to its ankle, swooped low down the aisle and then landed on Gary’s glove.

Natural flavors

“Did you know that some vanilla flavoring is made from beaver anal secretions?” The word “secretion” is inherently gross to me. Add in excrement, and you have a recipe for scrunch-face.

Do Not Allow

Chasing Calm

“I find it funny that all the solutions popping up to address tech stress are technological ones...here are more apps to help you combat the effect of dealing with too many apps.”

Garden party potentate

“How do you plan to police this? Is this all honor system?” Bill nodded. “Those are my two favorite words,” I said. Bill smirked at me. “Because to you, ‘honor system’ means the same as ‘sucker system’?”

Resurrected

“Obviously, as kids we didn’t know the story, and if you don’t know the story, you don’t know how extraordinary, how incredible, how...horrible it is.”

It's not about the rug

I was brushing my teeth and weeping. “Great, now you’re crying,” David said sharply. And that was when it happened. The lava-like angst that had been roiling within me all day finally erupted.

Whatever, Gladys

Great eavesdropping and peeping from the new kitchen

“You like to know everything that’s going on,” he said. I was about to balk when he added, “You’re always trying to find patterns in everything, and that gives you a sense of comfort.”

Clean slate

“You don’t even have an ex,” David said.
“You act like it’s some kind of shortcoming that I nailed this relationship stuff the first time around,” I joked.

Scheming Diva

I might compliment her and she’ll say, “Are you manipulating me?” I’ll say, “No, of course not.” And she’ll look distressed and say, “Are you just saying that to manipulate me?”

GroundFrog Day

Report from Snohomish

The mayor assured us it had happened, the great frognosticator let out a croak, thus proclaiming an early Spring for the friendly, frog-worshiping citizens of Snohomish, Washington.

He posted, she posted

Social media train-wreck

Watching someone have a meltdown or witnessing a drama unfold by way of updates or comments is just as popcorn-chomping engaging as watching train-wreck reality television.

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