Dorian Hargrove 8 p.m., Dec. 11
It's not in my neighborhood, so I can't really hand it the grand prix for the day, but here's a pretty awesome Runner-Up for the day's postings. Anyone who buys this does NOT know what he is getting into. Sure, goats are cute. But they're also smart. Deviously smart. Mostly just devious, actually. They will escape from whatever enclosure you provide them, because they are smart. They will cause trouble, this too is because they are smart. Smart animals are trouble. This is probably the reason why we don't have pet dolphins.1
It might not be quite as satisfying as Drown the Clown, but here's the Epic Victor for the Day:
Awesome. His title takes longer to read than his post--which contains nothing more than a low-res picture of the grimy fish tank and a single word, "email."2 Definitely the work of a "Yah Dude!" For anyone unfamiliar with the term, a quick explanation is in order.
Yah Dude! (n.) 1. Recognizable from afar by the ever-present polo shirt, gelled air, and strong cologne, Yah Dudes often gather in sports bars to watch baseball and drink Bud Light until bellicosity sets in. Typically of middling intelligence and a white, middle class, suburban background. 2. The constant refrain of the Yeah Dude. Usually used in much the same fashion as the ubiquitous "like" of the much-maligned Valley Girl, the Yah Dude can stick his trademarked "yah, dude!" into any type of phrase.3
Adam actually exposed us to some typical Yah Dude! behavior yesterday. It's not beyond the realm of possibility that Slugger is the very same Yah Dude! as the fish tank seller. Wouldn't that be a trip.
He's a hopeful Yah Dude, give him that much.4 I can hear him (let's call him "Blake," a nice suburban white guy name) talking to his roommate: "Yah, dude, someone will totally trade me their plasma screen for my fish." He's not going to get a nice TV offer, however, because it's not going to be hard for someone with the search string skills of an infant to find out that Blake's selling the tank in another ad for $125. Never mind that it isn't worth that much (maybe, I don't know, $70 if you're lucky), how sweet of a television is "Blake" expecting to get? This is the Yah Dude mentality at its finest.5 The thinking is not, strictly speaking, irrational or illogical, it just follows a completely different set of rules than the ones the rest of us deal with. For the Yah Dude, anything and everything can be justified by a "yah, dude, of course!" or a "yah, dude, why not?" Or even just: "you going to do it? Yah, dude!" It's direct, uncomplicated; in it's way it's almost (though not quite) beautiful. Wouldn't it be nice, every now and again, to look at the world in such simple terms?6 To wake up every day and face no deliberations, dilemmas, or major moral quandaries of any sort? Is it not true that we scorn the Yah Dude because we envy him a little bit? It's understandable to be a mite jealous of the Yah Dude's atavistic, borderline Neanderthal behaviors because they so seldom worry about anything beyond satisfying that next most pressing need.
This is not to say that we should all get in touch with our Inner Yah Dude, or that we should strive to inflect a little Yah Dudeliness into our daily lives. Far from it, in fact. For the most part, Yah Dudes provide little beyond misogyny and a solid consumer base for beer which is, at best, like unto sex in a canoe. There is no behavior common to the Yah Dude which anyone should strive to emulate. But it's worth noting that the attitude we have towards the Yah Dude stems from something we perceive as lacking in ourselves, not vice-versa. It's a perverse, weird, and potentially harmful brand of freedom that the Yah Dude possesses, but it's a kind of freedom nonetheless.
The real question is, why do you have to email if you want to trade, but you get to call Blake directly if you want to buy the thing? Weird.7
Also, I have heard that they stink of rotting fish.
One has to wonder, can dolphins be kept as pets in a tank like this? Once the question's raised, it can't really be ignored.
Of course, it would have to be a much larger tank--many thousands of gallons.
And with the prohibitive cost of maintaining salinity, cleanliness (dolphins have to poop somehow, right?), and temperature in the water at all times--not to mention the expense of feeding a several-hundred-pound creature--we're getting quickly into Robin Leach territory here. We can safely assume an annual upkeep cost of eight- to ten-thousand dollars per porpoise (por perpoise?), and that's being conservative.
Economically, it makes sense that the only people with private dolphin and/or shark tanks are James Bond villains. They have the wherewithal to make such an expense seem trifling. Plus, they can easily justify this kind of thing since a good villain has to have something dangerous with lasers attached to its forehead.
Not that we advocate the attaching of lasers to the foreheads of dolphins (or sharks).
But you know you'd do it anyways.