It's not in my neighborhood, so I can't really hand it the grand prix for the day, but here's a pretty awesome Runner-Up for the day's postings. Anyone who buys this does NOT know what he is getting into. Sure, goats are cute. But they're also smart. Deviously smart. Mostly just devious, actually. They will escape from whatever enclosure you provide them, because they are smart. They will cause trouble, this too is because they are smart. Smart animals are trouble. This is probably the reason why we don't have pet dolphins.1

It might not be quite as satisfying as Drown the Clown, but here's the Epic Victor for the Day:

Fish tank w/ extras? Got a flat panel TV in good shape or?? (Normal Heights)

Awesome. His title takes longer to read than his post--which contains nothing more than a low-res picture of the grimy fish tank and a single word, "email."2 Definitely the work of a "Yah Dude!" For anyone unfamiliar with the term, a quick explanation is in order.

Yah Dude! (n.) 1. Recognizable from afar by the ever-present polo shirt, gelled air, and strong cologne, Yah Dudes often gather in sports bars to watch baseball and drink Bud Light until bellicosity sets in. Typically of middling intelligence and a white, middle class, suburban background. 2. The constant refrain of the Yeah Dude. Usually used in much the same fashion as the ubiquitous "like" of the much-maligned Valley Girl, the Yah Dude can stick his trademarked "yah, dude!" into any type of phrase.3

Adam actually exposed us to some typical Yah Dude! behavior yesterday. It's not beyond the realm of possibility that Slugger is the very same Yah Dude! as the fish tank seller. Wouldn't that be a trip.

He's a hopeful Yah Dude, give him that much.4 I can hear him (let's call him "Blake," a nice suburban white guy name) talking to his roommate: "Yah, dude, someone will totally trade me their plasma screen for my fish." He's not going to get a nice TV offer, however, because it's not going to be hard for someone with the search string skills of an infant to find out that Blake's selling the tank in another ad for $125. Never mind that it isn't worth that much (maybe, I don't know, $70 if you're lucky), how sweet of a television is "Blake" expecting to get? This is the Yah Dude mentality at its finest.5 The thinking is not, strictly speaking, irrational or illogical, it just follows a completely different set of rules than the ones the rest of us deal with. For the Yah Dude, anything and everything can be justified by a "yah, dude, of course!" or a "yah, dude, why not?" Or even just: "you going to do it? Yah, dude!" It's direct, uncomplicated; in it's way it's almost (though not quite) beautiful. Wouldn't it be nice, every now and again, to look at the world in such simple terms?6 To wake up every day and face no deliberations, dilemmas, or major moral quandaries of any sort? Is it not true that we scorn the Yah Dude because we envy him a little bit? It's understandable to be a mite jealous of the Yah Dude's atavistic, borderline Neanderthal behaviors because they so seldom worry about anything beyond satisfying that next most pressing need.

This is not to say that we should all get in touch with our Inner Yah Dude, or that we should strive to inflect a little Yah Dudeliness into our daily lives. Far from it, in fact. For the most part, Yah Dudes provide little beyond misogyny and a solid consumer base for beer which is, at best, like unto sex in a canoe. There is no behavior common to the Yah Dude which anyone should strive to emulate. But it's worth noting that the attitude we have towards the Yah Dude stems from something we perceive as lacking in ourselves, not vice-versa. It's a perverse, weird, and potentially harmful brand of freedom that the Yah Dude possesses, but it's a kind of freedom nonetheless.

The real question is, why do you have to email if you want to trade, but you get to call Blake directly if you want to buy the thing? Weird.7

  1. Also, I have heard that they stink of rotting fish.

  2. One has to wonder, can dolphins be kept as pets in a tank like this? Once the question's raised, it can't really be ignored.

  3. Of course, it would have to be a much larger tank--many thousands of gallons.

  4. And with the prohibitive cost of maintaining salinity, cleanliness (dolphins have to poop somehow, right?), and temperature in the water at all times--not to mention the expense of feeding a several-hundred-pound creature--we're getting quickly into Robin Leach territory here. We can safely assume an annual upkeep cost of eight- to ten-thousand dollars per porpoise (por perpoise?), and that's being conservative.

  5. Economically, it makes sense that the only people with private dolphin and/or shark tanks are James Bond villains. They have the wherewithal to make such an expense seem trifling. Plus, they can easily justify this kind of thing since a good villain has to have something dangerous with lasers attached to its forehead.

  6. Not that we advocate the attaching of lasers to the foreheads of dolphins (or sharks).

  7. But you know you'd do it anyways.

Comments

Adam92102 Oct. 5, 2009 @ 11:42 p.m.

I like how the first ad said, "...typically friendly (if given treats)." Wait... that just described me!

And I think Blake just may be Slugger. I mean, "Email." That's like the one punch Ring Leader took to the chest. The message was definitely heard, is all I'm saying.

I'm also still digging the footnotes. It's like seeing those really lets you know that even when the story is over... it's still not over. Nice touch.

0

CuddleFish Oct. 5, 2009 @ 11:45 p.m.

Pike, I don't know what I would do without you!!

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 5, 2009 @ 11:46 p.m.

Thanks, man, I'm wondering about footnoting my footnotes, but thinking that might crash the blog servers.

Oh, and, SDaniels (when you eventually read this) all those footnotes were for you.

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 5, 2009 @ 11:47 p.m.

Who would keep someone from trying to put a laser on your head, Fish? :)

0

David Dodd Oct. 6, 2009 @ 12:04 a.m.

Pike, I was completely confused about you not footnoting your footnotes until I read the part about CONSIDERING footnoting your footnotes, which explains it.

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 6, 2009 @ 12:14 a.m.

Well, at least I wasn't not considering considering not footnoting my (considerable) footnotes....

0

CuddleFish Oct. 6, 2009 @ 12:18 a.m.

Please don't crash the blog servers, I couldn't live without reading Nan's threads!!!!

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 6, 2009 @ 12:19 a.m.

Ah ha! So you admit I have the ability! What are they worth to you? ;)

0

David Dodd Oct. 6, 2009 @ 12:25 a.m.

Pike, there is a somewhat infamous book (it's old, out of print, and absolutely awesome), called "The Decline And Fall Of Practically Everybody", by Will Cuppy (a hermit, but a completely amusing hermit), published in 1950. He used footnotes in a way that, to this day, I have yet to see topped.

If you ever run across a copy, buy it!

http://www.amazon.com/Decline-Fall-Practically-Everybody-Hilariously/dp/088029809X

0

SDaniels Oct. 6, 2009 @ 12:44 a.m.

re: #9: This looks great! I'm going to check it out. Gringo, have you ever read Lytton Strachey's Eminent Victorians? Strachey is credited with the first book of this type--psychologically-oriented bios of public figures using particular narrative strategies. It is dry and brilliantly clever.

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 6, 2009 @ 2:20 a.m.

I have just placed a hold on Cuppy with the San Diego public library. Very, very stoked about it.

SD: Got a recommendation for something by Smithson? You've piqued my curiosity quite thoroughly on the matter and I feel obliged to follow through.

0

SDaniels Oct. 6, 2009 @ 2:30 a.m.

"Oh, and, SDaniels (when you eventually read this) all those footnotes were for you."

Ah, thanks, Pikey! The problem is that I cannot click on them. Where are the footnotes? Should I be able to click on them?

"Robert Smithson: The Collected Writings." ed. Jack Flam.

Eugenie Tsai has written a good one on him--"Robert Smithson" avail. at SDPL.

You beat me to it on the Cuppy! :(

Runner Up Goats--$1 or $100? Besides the fact that one must carefully note that the goats are about waist-high, it is crucial to understand that:

"Weed/brush eating is their specialty." They forgot to mention that eating clothing, plastic objects, and your garden vegetables is also their specialty :)

0

SDaniels Oct. 6, 2009 @ 2:37 a.m.

The plot thickens, or the tank stinkens:

We just donated an identical tank to the Salvation Army--on perpoise.

Wouldn't it be a trip if Yah Dude picked it up there, and is now reselling it? That would be pretty deviant! Anyway, I didn't want fish anymore after Eddy the goldfish and Uncle the catfish died.

Yah Dude: When I was in junior high, the term "dude" took on at least forty different intonations and meanings, sorta like Eskimo snow. By now, it has accumulated further drift-age.

Perhaps you and Adam could collaborate on a dude-icon pocket handbook?

0

CuddleFish Oct. 6, 2009 @ 7:15 a.m.

But why in the world did he name Yah Dude Blake????

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 6, 2009 @ 11:15 a.m.

On Clickable Footnotes: I do not know how to code such a thing, but will try to learn so my posts look even MORE like a Wikipedia entry.

On The Cost of Goats: My expertise in all things "For Sale" suggests that the $1-$100 price range indicates an eagerness, on the part of the seller, to rid him- or herself of the goats and a willingness to haggle wildly over the price.

On Collaboration with Adam Over a Dude Book: Are you suggesting that we somehow become the Audobon of Dudes and create a field guide?

On Why the Yah Dude! in Question Was Named "Blake:" Because Blake is a perfect name for a suburban, white male. He probably also has a tribal tattoo.

0

Adam92102 Oct. 6, 2009 @ 6:15 p.m.

At first I was under the impression that there is already a Dude book in print. However, I was mistaken. It is actually The Bro Code by Barney Stinson, who is really just Neil Patrick Harris' character on How I Met Your Mother, a fantastic show.

So yah, dude... I'd write a book about it. I'm thinking something like a Lonely Planet travel book, except it would be a Yah Dude! Planet book... except not a travel book... and apparently not a Lonely Planet book at all. It would be more of a introduction to Yah Dudes and signs to look for spotting one. I mean, it's not like you're in search of a welwitschia mirabilis (look it up) so finding Yah Dudes are becoming easier because Yah Dudes are reproducing at a very alarming rate. Most people blame alcohol or the '70s. But anyway. I'm in.

0

SDaniels Oct. 6, 2009 @ 6:23 p.m.

welwitschia mirabilis

noun curious plant of arid regions of southwestern Africa having a yard-high and yard-wide trunk like a turnip with a deep taproot and two large persistent woody straplike leaves growing from the base; living relic of a flora long disappeared; some may be 700-5000 years old [syn: welwitschia]

Noooo, it's not like we're in search of one of theessse grails, yah dude!

So Pike N Adam's field guide for the discerning "Yah Dude" in you!

Or, How to Make Friends and Influence Yah Dudes!

0

nan shartel Oct. 6, 2009 @ 7:06 p.m.

GOATS...did i hear GOATS????

i got a yard that needs cleaning

i would like to rent the most deviously clever handsome goat...and if he's devious enuff i'll buy him!!!

0

antigeekess Oct. 6, 2009 @ 7:39 p.m.

Pikey!

  1. Have you ever heard of this? http://sandiego.kijiji.com/

  2. "On Collaboration with Adam Over a Dude Book: Are you suggesting that we somehow become the Audobon of Dudes and create a field guide?"

http://www.amazon.com/Field-Guide-North-American-Males/dp/0805042199/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254883120&sr=8-1

Yes, I have one. It's hilarious. :)

0

antigeekess Oct. 6, 2009 @ 7:43 p.m.

"So Pike N Adam's field guide for the discerning "Yah Dude" in you!

Or, How to Make Friends and Influence Yah Dudes!"

"Discovering and Championing Your Inner Yah Dude."

:)

0

nan shartel Oct. 6, 2009 @ 7:43 p.m.

AntiM and Pikester

a field guide...oh yah...da ladies need it bad

and when those goats are finished cleaning ur yard send them over to mine will ya

thx

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 6, 2009 @ 10:53 p.m.

Is there a specimen in that book most closely resembles the Yah Dude!?

As for Kijiji, I had known of it before, but had not been hooked as it lacks the elegance and simplicity of the craig. I'll have to give it a shot though, look for a 'real' job :)

0

antigeekess Oct. 7, 2009 @ 6:57 a.m.

Upon perusal of the guide, I don't see anything that really matches the YD. I suppose the closest would be one of the mundane entries such as Relentless Party Animal (Hi bobum).

There's also the Steroid-Addled Gym Rat (Chromium picolinatus), Slacker Boy Toy (Emptyus veeum), Laid-Back Jamaican Mon (Ishotda sheriff). Those are all from the "Casual Family." The other groups are the Artsy, Gainfully Employed, and Athletic families.

What makes the book funny is, of course, that it's true. All of these guys are totally recognizable to any woman who's been in the dating world for any length of time at all. The illustrations are a scream, and dead-on. My boyfriend while I was in college, for example?

Wiry Housepainter (Cannabis latex).

:)

0

SDaniels Oct. 7, 2009 @ 3:03 p.m.

"Wiry Housepainter (Cannabis latex)"

Ha haha ahhahah!

don't forget the SurfPuppy (canine surfus dampus)

0

nan shartel Oct. 7, 2009 @ 3:16 p.m.

SDaniels and AntiM...lawd have mercy..u 2 have finally put ur Latin to good use....hahahahahahahaha

0

Origami_Astronaught Nov. 27, 2009 @ 1:15 a.m.

For the guide -

Turk: An East County variety of the Yah Dude found in the Rancho San Diego, Jamul, El Cajon, and Santee regions. Rides dirt bikes and has and/or had a coke problem. Aggressive when drinking. Will spend all night telling you what a great Bro you and then pork your girlfriend the moment you go for another beer. Think American foreign policy anthropomorphized wearing a sideways bright red Fox racing hat.

0

SDaniels Nov. 27, 2009 @ 2:46 a.m.

T for Turk, yep. You should cowrite.

0

Sign in to comment

Join our
newsletter list

Enter to win $25 at Broken Yolk Cafe

Each newsletter subscription
means another chance to win!

Close