Had a fascinating job interview the other day out in the material world. The in-person part was quick and painless, took about ten minutes of my day. More fun was the "assignment" portion of the 'view. Basically, the nightclub in question is looking to raise the level of their bar food to compete with their trendy nightclub neighbors. "Email me what you'd put on the menu" the chef said to me. What fun! Last night I sent her three bomb diggity salad ideas, three of my best notions for cheap and easy appetizers, and three sandwich offerings. I am perhaps most proud of my "Sloppy Joe" (ground lamb in a light tomato curry with crispy fried onions served on a toasted bulkie roll) and a nice pizzetta e fichi (white pizza with ricotta cheese, sage infused EVOO, and fresh figs). Cross yer fingers for me!

Onward to more normal blogging and the awarding of a the second most coveted award on the whole interwebs, the daily Runner-Up:

Coolers - $5 (Normal Heights)

"So, I'm no longer running my black market kidney business and I have no need of these coolers. Also have thermos for rush jobs." Really, I can see no other need for having so many coolers, call my scope limited if you must, but black market kidneys just seems the only logical explanation. Since I don't feel like writing a story about some sort of urban kidney burglar, I will award the Ultimate Prize to:

Antique Melodeon - $350 (Normal Heights)

It's Dracula's private home organ! What's not to love about the visual of Vlad ticking the ivories in a Normal Heights living room? He probably pops down to Lestat's every now and again for a latte and a bit of complaining that "people always get him wrong," to which the clerks at the coffee shop most likely pay little heed.

Poor, misunderstood vampire, left all alone in a world that only vaguely recognizes him as a cause for fright and terror. Once, his name was synonymous with fear. These days, he plays second fiddle to H1N1 and Facebook stalkers. What's a vampire to do in the modern world?

Rather than adapt, Vlad spends his days in relative isolation, listening to Joy Division and nursing a terrible caffeine addiction. Why should he move away from what he knows? Shadows and darkness have always been his place. He does not belong in the bright world of today, where his nefarious deeds are the stuff of legend and nobody really believes that there's anything to fear out there, in the darkness, beyond the point of reason. No, all Dracula can do is take himself into self-imposed isolation--he rarely even stalks the night to feed, these days--curbing the bloodlust with cup after cup of French Roast.

We miss you sometimes, Vlad. You brought the fear of darkness out of the depths of the mind and into reality. No one ever had his finger on the scared and fleeting pulse of the world quite like you did. If blood must be shed (and sometimes it seems like that's the case, doesn't it?) then who better to shed it than you? You let fear be mythic, rather than pragmatic, which is something we we miss these days, having banished all the old nightmares.

Won't you come back, Vlad, and put on one more show?

Comments

PistolPete Dec. 11, 2009 @ 2:44 p.m.

Alright Pikey, time to leave the normal food alone. Sloppy Joes and pizza aren't snob or yuppie foods.

As for the coolers, I've bought 5 coolers since moving out here 5 years ago. Being a first class party animal while growing up, I think I've destryed around 1500+ styrofoam coolers. They're cheap and meant to last one night. Normally my coolers get moldy from left over ice melting and me forgetting to wipe 'em out to dry 'em. Nothing says MMMM Good like the deep-seated smell of mold in an Igloo cooler. :-D I did wake one morning to find my cooler half full of piss. Neither me nor my friend knew what that was about so we just assumed that we had gotten so trashed that we thought it would be fun to see if we could fill the cooler. Kind of a rogue version of Circle of Life but a wee bit nastier. The bad thing about that was there was at least a 12-pack of Natty Ice that were unopened floating in our homemade cocktail....lol. Had to go but another cooler at Ralph's for $35.00 I thought it was highway robbery but paid it anyway because I was too hungover to walk to Sports Authority.

0

FullFlavorPike Dec. 11, 2009 @ 3:06 p.m.

Beautiful anecdote Pete--I'll cherish it forever.

Don't you like the idea of tricking a hipster into spending 7 dollars on a little sloppy joe? ;)

0

PistolPete Dec. 11, 2009 @ 3:29 p.m.

Yes. And no. I like the simplicity but I also find food sacred so I'm torn....lol.

0

FullFlavorPike Dec. 11, 2009 @ 3:41 p.m.

Well, if I get the job you'll have to come in for a football game sometime and let me hook you up with "Sloppy Joe and Onion Rings" :) Let the master decide for hisself!

0

MsGrant Dec. 11, 2009 @ 3:55 p.m.

Anything with onion rings!! So, Vlad's piano is referred to as the "parlor style", which is the room in the house where, in the old days when people bought the big one at home rather than a hospital, they viewed the body. Before funeral parlors became the norm. My grandmother still calls the living room the parlor. Gives me the creeps.

Pete, I have to know, and don't lie (not that you would), but did you drink those beers floating around in your pee soup? I'll bet you did. Hosed 'em off and chilled 'em right back up. Don't disappoint me.

Good luck, Pike. I hope you get the job.

0

Adam92102 Dec. 11, 2009 @ 4:04 p.m.

Yeah, I hope you get the job, too. That sloppy joe sounds freakin' tasty. Oh, but would I have to pay 7 bucks for it? 'Cause really, I can buy two cans of sloppy joe and make about 12 sandwiches for 7 bucks. Just sayin'.

Two things I have to say about the guy selling all the coolers.

First, he puts the cool in coolers.

And second:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A663SpIn5uk

0

David Dodd Dec. 11, 2009 @ 4:41 p.m.

A gift, Pike, you may put my stuffed jalapeños on the menu - they are bites of pure awesome. They would work well in a bar/nightclub. People will certainly order more drinks ;)

Ingredients:

Canned jalapeño peppers (large) Sharp cheddar cheese, grated Monterrey Jack cheese, grated Cream cheese Thinly sliced smoked bacon

Process:

Slice the jalapeño lengthwise and carefully remove the seeds and innards. Stuff with a teaspoon of cream cheese and a pinch of the other cheeses, overstuffing is encouraged. Wrap with the bacon. Bake at 350 degrees on a foil-lined cookie sheet until bacon is cooked, about 1/2 hour.

You can also try and cram a small cleaned shrimp in there, I have done that, too. Some people use tuna, but I never have. Certain members of my family beg me to make these, sans the shrimp which they would rather have either al diablo or en mojo de ajo. The stuffed jalapeños are time-consuming, but well worth the effort.

0

CuddleFish Dec. 11, 2009 @ 4:59 p.m.

I easily have five coolers myself. Two big, three little.

We gave up the black market biz a while back, we are now in the white market biz, we no longer buy young organs to sell, we sell overprices sandwiches to bored vampires and buy antique organs.

0

PistolPete Dec. 11, 2009 @ 10:32 p.m.

To be honest MsGrant, I DID in fact think about doing just that. Then it occured to me...I'm an adult now. I can just go buy more. I chucked the cooler with the beers. It was only a 12-pack. Big whoop.

Just so you all know, the Circle of Life is the greatest drinking game ever thought up. VERY simple. As a teenager, the cops would let us drink in the parking lot of the local gas station/convenience store because we were tired of running from them and they were tired of chasing us. They knew that if we were in the parking lot drinking, we wouldn't be causing trouble within the confines of our 365+ home subdivision. This still makes perfect sense. We broke the law our way and they got more time to eat doughnuts.

Anyway, there was a simple rule to this game:NOBODY drank and drove. We all knew that statistics showed that most accidents occured within a mile of home and since we all lived within a mile, why tempt fate?

The game is simple. You buy beer at the store, drink it in the parking lot and piss using their toilet. The ONLY exception to this rule was you could only piss on the side of the store if it was closed for the night. That's it. Purchase(born), consume(live), get rid of(die). The Circle of Life.

0

antigeekess Dec. 12, 2009 @ 2:43 p.m.

Sounds more like the Cycle of Beer. Wait a minute, that would be a...

http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/6/18/633808801790950975-beercycle.jpg

Yeah. You knew it was out there. Had to be.

0

FullFlavorPike Dec. 12, 2009 @ 4:30 p.m.

I can fit about fifty cans in my bag and roll around with it all night--just don't expect me to blaze up the hills to swiftly!

0

Sign in to comment

Join our
newsletter list

Enter to win $25 at Broken Yolk Cafe

Each newsletter subscription
means another chance to win!

Close