Today's Runner-Up is most definitely a worthy contender. The double oven is something that you almost never really need, but when you need it, you really need it. Look at me, I can bake bread and pie at the same time! Yippee! Seriously though, these things are sweet.

Onward, to the Big Winner:

Bag of Body parts (fake) - $30 (Normal Heights)

Thank god for parenthetical remarks, eh? I wonder what happens when we take said remark away...

Bag Of Body Parts - $30
"Well, I've had it up to here with the killing. It has to stop sooner or later, so I guess now's as good a time as any. In the beginning it was all fun and games; the stalking, hunting, killing, and dismembering. The hiding of the body parts in freezers in my basement. The giddy feeling whenever the newspaper reported another 'unsolved' killing, like I knew something nobody else did.

"Then it just started to get old, you know? After the tenth killing you just start asking yourself these nagging questions: 'Why am I doing this? What do I really stand to gain? What am I going to do with all these body parts now that my freezers are starting fill up?'

"It's at that point that any psychopath worth his salt knows it's time to hang up the meat-hooks and bone-saws, burn the photos of potential victims, flush the chloroform down the drain and call it quits. It's only a matter of time before some younger guy who just wants it more steps in and takes it away from you anyways. It takes a real pro to walk away at the height of his game. Just ask Charles Barkley.

"So, I guess this is it for me. I just don't have any use for this last bag of body parts I've got kicking around. Plus, every time I see it, it reminds me of my glory days when the bodies seemed limitless and I could barely find space to stash the limbs...

"Anyways, enough reminiscing for the time being. I've got four hands, three eyes, a heart, and eleven fingers up for grabs if you're interested. Hit me with an offer. Motivated seller who's just getting too old for this."

Like I said, where would we be without parenthetical remarks?

More like this:

Comments

Adam92102 Oct. 9, 2009 @ 9:18 p.m.

"P.S. Please reply with picture."

I wonder if the double-stack oven is being sold by the same guy. Maybe in his prime he used that oven to make, oh, I don't know... liver?

It's fun making people up, isn't it Pike? It's why I write as much fiction as possible because I am one boring a-hole. But not the guy in the ad. And now he's so much more interesting with your astuteness. You totally pegged this guy, as far as I'm concerned. But your neighborhood... it's kinda scary. Just sayin'.

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antigeekess Oct. 9, 2009 @ 9:35 p.m.

Funny stuff, Pike. You keep spoiling us like this on a daily basis, we're going to start to take you for granted.

:)

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:08 a.m.

AG: I'm going to spoil you silly, now and forever. 'Tis what I do!

Adam: You've got it, man. I like to try and see the REAL person behind the ad. I might err slightly in my vision, once in a great while. On the whole, I think my characterizations are pretty damn accurate.

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:20 a.m.

Oh, yeah, Adam, that would be liver with fava beans and a nice chianti, right?

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:38 a.m.

Ladies and gentlemen, from waaaaaay out in left field, Peeeeeettttteeeee!!

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SDaniels Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:39 a.m.

Yes, I think that was Adam's menu, along with sauteed tete d'idiot.

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:41 a.m.

I think I just might have slipped a pop cultural reference by SDaniels.

Bully for me!

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SDaniels Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:48 a.m.

re: #7: I think Pete is chasing his non sequiturs with more non sequiturs, for good measure :)

Importantly, I remember the dancing animal group at 3:24 from my childhood. What was that show called? Banana something?...It was like the Monkees, but fronted by a lead gorilla instead of Davy Jones...

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SDaniels Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:50 a.m.

You mean the Silence of the Lambs reference? Nah, I got that, and was adding to it the meal prepared and served to a guy of the guy's own brains. However, I'm tired tonight, and it's possible you slipped something else past the miasma that is my current cognitive ability :)

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David Dodd Oct. 10, 2009 @ 1:59 a.m.

Like the guy who walked into a bar, with the most attractive woman that anyone had ever laid eyes on, right by his side, and there wasn't anything especially different about him except for her. All of the guys in the bar stopped what they were doing and stared at her, she was amazing in every way, hanging all over the guy, who walked up to the bar.

Even the bartender stared.

"I'll have a beer for myself, and a beer for my lady," he told the bar tender.

Soon, the place calmed down and got back to normal, and the man and his lady sipped their beers. Suddenly, a little man climbed out of the pocket of the man, he wasn't even a foot high! He shoved the beers over in front of him, of both the man and his lady, and laughed maniacally, and then climbed back into the man's top pocket.

The bartender came over, quite upset, using many towels to map up the mess as the man apologised, and slapped down two twenty dollar bills he had pulled from his pocket, one at a time.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "Two more, and please keep the change for your trouble.

The bartender served them and was more than satisfied with the huge tip. A few minutes later, the little man crawled back out of the guy's pocket, and this time he ran up and down the bar, screaming and yelling, knocking over everyone's beer, upsetting the patronage! Not even a foot tall and causing all of this ruckus! The guy just smiled and pulled twenty dollar bills out of his pocket, one by one, until he had one hundred dollars on the counter and bought two rounds for the house, which appeased the patronage and the barkeep.

Not ten minutes later, the little guy came back out of the front pocket of the man with the beautiful lady and, incredibly, hurled a half-full beer into the mirror behind the bar, shattering it! The bar tender was fit to be tied, until the man pulled, one by one, twenties out of his pocket unti two thousand dollars sat ready for compensation, which was more than three times the cost of the damage.

"I'll leave after this beer, sorry for the trouble," the man said.

The bartender smirked. "Pal, I've got to ask you. Your lady is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, but your little friend? What's the story?"

"You won't believe me," the man said. The bartender insisted.

"Okay. One day, I'm combing the beach, and I find a lamp washed up in the sand. I know, it's hokey, but I had to rub it. And out pops a genie and he grants me three wishes! My first wish, I wished for the most beautiful girl in the world to always be by my side, and here she is," he said, smiling at his lady.

"The second wish, I wanted to be able to pull a twenty dollar bill out of my pocket any time I reached into it," he said, and he pulled one out as proof.

"Amazing," said the bartender. "But what about the third wish?"

"Well," the man said, "I got greedy. I wished for a ten-inch prick, and here he is, right in my front pocket..."

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SDaniels Oct. 10, 2009 @ 2:11 a.m.

Thank you, refried. The only way that could have been better is if we were all hanging out in a bar while you told it :)

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 10, 2009 @ 2:13 a.m.

Sorry, SD. I'm a little tired and didn't connect tete d'idiot o tete de Ray Liotta.

And that show was the Banana Splits.

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David Dodd Oct. 10, 2009 @ 2:23 a.m.

Anytime, SD. Typos galore, but I'm deep into a bottle of scotch and it's two-thirty in the morning, so I'm excused.

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SDaniels Oct. 10, 2009 @ 3:17 a.m.

"Typos galore, but I'm deep into a bottle of scotch and it's two-thirty in the morning, so I'm excused."

(class dismissed) :)

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:44 p.m.

re #14:

(This first one's a little dated.)

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on beach and picks it up. Suddenly a female genie appears.

"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.

"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.

The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."

Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"

"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time.

And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.

:)

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:45 p.m.

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were teeing off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.

When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a Genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for and income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The Genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The Genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the Genie and wife were finished, the Genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The Genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old." The Genie then asked, "And he still believes in this Genie stuff?"

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:46 p.m.

And an economy-size version of refried's earlier story:

A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich. After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?"

The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the Genie shrunk my lawyer!"

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:54 p.m.

A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"

The snake said "I'm a genie snake, I won't bite you - but I will give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"

The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars in the bank."

The snake said, "Granted, next."

Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world."

The snake said, "Granted, next." Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like my horse."

The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.

"I forgot I was riding Old Nellie"

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:55 p.m.

This one's also dated. And bad.

One day, about the time of his impeachment, Bill Clinton found a Genie's bottle on the beach. Bill rubbed the bottle and a Genie came out, promising (don't they always?) three wishes.

Bill's first wish was that the scandal had ever happened in the first place. The genie snapped her fingers and none of it had happened.

Bill's second wish was for Hillary not to say too much that might make things worse. The Genie snapped her fingers and Hillary's mouth sealed tight.

For his last wish, Bill Clinton wished for his love handles to disappear. The genie snapped her fingers, and Monica's ears fell off.

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:58 p.m.

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and admitted, "I've always been rather, er, small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?"

"I understand" said the Genie, "Consider it done"

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within minutes, it was down to his knee, and by the final hole, it had crept into his sock. After his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.

"Problem?" inquired the Genie. "Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?"

"And what might that be?" asked the Genie.

"Could you make my legs a tad longer?"

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CuddleFish Oct. 10, 2009 @ 10 p.m.

Another version, gosh, this is a popular joke:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sets the bag on the bar, pulls out a tiny piano, sets it on the bar. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano bench, sets it in front of the piano. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny man, sets the man on the bench and the tiny man begins to play the piano.

The bartender says, "Hey mister, where did you get that?"

The man reaches into the paper bag and pulls out a lamp. "Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and poof!, out pops a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you one wish."

The bartender quickly says, "I want a million bucks."

The genie nods, then poof! disappears in a cloud of smoke.

A moment later, the door to the bar opens and in waddles a yellow duck. A moment later, in waddles another yellow duck. A moment later, in waddles another yellow duck, followed by another yellow duck, followed by another yellow duck, more and more yellow ducks, until the entire bar is full of ducks, and more are still coming in.

The bartender says to the man, "Hey I think your genie is hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The man says, "You think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 9:51 p.m.

Two guys in a locker room after their racquetball game.

One guy notices that the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind my mentioning it", he says, "that cork looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," laments the first one. "It's permanent"

"I don't understand," says guy two.

First guy says. "I was walking along the beach when I tripped over an oil lamp and a big puff of smoke happened. Then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Hassan the genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No s***!"

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antigeekess Oct. 10, 2009 @ 10:02 p.m.

And my personal favorite:

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times."One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I came across this old ruined cottage, and it was getting dark, so I decided to stay overnight.I found an old lamp, and as I wiped some of the dirt off it, a Genie appeared, in the form of a beautiful woman.

She said, "You have released me from centuries of misery, I grant you three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make love with you, right here and right now."

She nodded, the cottage turned into a luxurious bedroom ... We made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, relaxing after our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

:)

***All genie jokes stolen outright from:

http://www.weirdity.com/genie/

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SurfPuppy619 Oct. 10, 2009 @ 10:28 p.m.

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within minutes, it was down to his knee, and by the final hole, it had crept into his sock.

Wow, I thought I was the only one with this problem.....

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David Dodd Oct. 10, 2009 @ 10:36 p.m.

AG, your internet skillz r mad l33t! I like their version of the joke I related last night better than mine!

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SDaniels Oct. 11, 2009 @ 2:42 a.m.

I wore tartan pants and a cap with pom poms while reading most of these--what's with golfers and genies? The laugh-o-meter rates #23 and #26 as most giggle-inducing. Runner up is #28; SurfPuppy's elephantitis gets a big NoPrize!

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David Dodd Oct. 11, 2009 @ 3:34 a.m.

Two men, dead-set on insisting that their particular manhood was superior to the other, wandered the greater San Francisco area, culminating one evening in a bar-hopping frenzy that left both unable to set ground rules for any contest. When they seemed to agree on, for example, a judging format, they disagreed on an appropriate arena for the contest. Both had similar reputations of amazing endowment, and no one was surprised that such a competition would be an ultimate Armageddon of penile warfare.

The two gentlemen went from bar to bar and argued endlessly, until finally well into the night, they found themselves walking the Golden Gate Bridge.

"Wait," said the first man. "I have to take a leak."

"Me too," said the second.

So right there on the Golden Gate Bridge, the two men relieved themselves, taking a time-out in their argument about the ground rules for the contest.

The first man looked up as he held his manhood steady, and flinched a little bit.

"Damn," he said. "This water's COLD!"

"Yeah," the second admitted, in an equal position. "And it's DEEP, too!"

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SDaniels Oct. 11, 2009 @ 3:42 a.m.

Heeheee. Thanks for stepping in while I wait for my Ambien to take effect, refried :) Are you deep into some Scotch this eve?

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David Dodd Oct. 11, 2009 @ 3:57 a.m.

I finished the scotch hours ago. I'm tired. Tomorrow is the wife's birthday (next blog entry will probably be all about her, a remarkable human being she is), and Monday is my mother's birthday (Columbus was a bad example of a Libra, remind me to write about THAT moron at some point), but I don't have to cook. The MIL is making posole (I'm forty dollars in the hole on this, but happy that I escape the kitchen for the day), so tomorrow (actually, today?) there will be a party.

I have to get a cake. Damn. It's always something ;)

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antigeekess Oct. 11, 2009 @ 9:31 a.m.

Re #31:

Dude, I was eating dinosaur tacos the first time I heard that one.

(Actually it was from Richard Pryor on his "Wanted" album, I think.)

http://www.amazon.com/Wanted-Live-Concert-Richard-Pryor/dp/B000FBX6FK/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1255278638&sr=1-16

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nan shartel Oct. 11, 2009 @ 1:29 p.m.

ooooooooooo AntiM b diss'n the jokester!!!!

thx for the link AntiM

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SurfPuppy619 Oct. 11, 2009 @ 4:46 p.m.

SurfPuppy's elephantitis gets a big NoPrize!

By SDaniels

LOL....I aim to please :)

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SDaniels Oct. 12, 2009 @ 1:03 a.m.

re: #36: Just be careful where you aim it :)

re: #33 A very happy birthday to Rocio!

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SDaniels Oct. 12, 2009 @ 2:23 a.m.

Adam confessed: "It's fun making people up, isn't it Pike? It's why I write as much fiction as possible because I am one boring a-hole."

and where is that fictional fiction, Adam? Gonna blog it, bud? :)

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Adam92102 Oct. 12, 2009 @ 9:43 a.m.

I may not blog the fiction but who knows? Maybe maybe I'll start a story about my 'hood. I mean, it has been pretty quiet here recently and I need to write something.

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 12, 2009 @ 6:42 p.m.

Dude you should write an open letter to some sort of pan-American lover. That would be a compelling read and...damn, scooped again!

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antigeekess Oct. 12, 2009 @ 9:30 p.m.

"Dude you should write an open letter to some sort of pan-American lover. That would be a compelling read and...damn, scooped again!"

LOL. Adam 'does' have the catbird seat above that bar. Every opportunistic perv in America is envious.

C'mon, Dude! You're still young! Get ta swoopin'!

:D

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SDaniels Oct. 16, 2009 @ 2:40 a.m.

Yeah, you started out with a great idea, a bird's eye and ear view onto drunken sidewalk convo. Git to gittin'!

PS: Pike, forgive the ignorance, but whose 60s rockstar image are you using for your avatar photo?

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