Don Bauder 5 p.m., Aug. 22
- Community Blog
- Normal Heights Through the Blue and White
Today's Runner-Up is most definitely a worthy contender. The double oven is something that you almost never really need, but when you need it, you really need it. Look at me, I can bake bread and pie at the same time! Yippee! Seriously though, these things are sweet.
Onward, to the Big Winner:
Thank god for parenthetical remarks, eh? I wonder what happens when we take said remark away...
Bag Of Body Parts - $30
"Well, I've had it up to here with the killing. It has to stop sooner or later, so I guess now's as good a time as any. In the beginning it was all fun and games; the stalking, hunting, killing, and dismembering. The hiding of the body parts in freezers in my basement. The giddy feeling whenever the newspaper reported another 'unsolved' killing, like I knew something nobody else did.
"Then it just started to get old, you know? After the tenth killing you just start asking yourself these nagging questions: 'Why am I doing this? What do I really stand to gain? What am I going to do with all these body parts now that my freezers are starting fill up?'
"It's at that point that any psychopath worth his salt knows it's time to hang up the meat-hooks and bone-saws, burn the photos of potential victims, flush the chloroform down the drain and call it quits. It's only a matter of time before some younger guy who just wants it more steps in and takes it away from you anyways. It takes a real pro to walk away at the height of his game. Just ask Charles Barkley.
"So, I guess this is it for me. I just don't have any use for this last bag of body parts I've got kicking around. Plus, every time I see it, it reminds me of my glory days when the bodies seemed limitless and I could barely find space to stash the limbs...
"Anyways, enough reminiscing for the time being. I've got four hands, three eyes, a heart, and eleven fingers up for grabs if you're interested. Hit me with an offer. Motivated seller who's just getting too old for this."
Like I said, where would we be without parenthetical remarks?