Skateboarder Gator up for murder, Karen Wilkening’s arrest and jail time, Metabolife’s brush with law, Michael Page and music underground
Various Authors 11:01 a.m., April 23
I just can't decide whither goest the Runner-Up award today. I mean, check the contenders out:
Which of these gems has more unintentional hilarity attached? I simply can't decide. Feel free to cast your well-informed votes and maybe this matter can be settled once and for all.
In the meantime, I feel comfortable awarding the day's First Place No-Prize to:
Points of Awesomeness
Named "Cornelius." While an amazing name for its own sake, Cornelius is also (to the best of my knowledge) the name of the rooster who serves as a mascot for Kellogg's Corn Flakes. Less well known than Snap, Crackle, or Pop, Cornelius the rooster is still a vital part of the breakfast pantheon.
If installed in home, becomes locus of coolness for entire neighborhood. I mean, can you imagine having a soda fountain in your home? You wouldn't even have to fill it with soda--any liquid could go in the "syrup tanks." You could put OJ concentrate (prolly only without any pulp) in there and have virgin mimosas anytime you wanted. How freaking cool would that be?
Presence of Cornelius soda fountain naturally prompts a search of the entire San Diego craigslist for any ad containing the word "Cornelius." Turns out there are three: one for toys, another one for an enormous ice machine, and the final one is for some home brewing supplies. Oddly enough, the word "cornelius" actually appears in the keyword spam at the bottom of the last ad, a keyword spam labeled "IGNORE." Peculiar.
Advertisement hilariously implies that seller is offering the Cornelius or a best offer, each for the cost of $150. Logic and grammar being the twin monsters they are, this is a totally understandable error. Also hilarious is that, in terms of practical skills, plumbing and installing the Cornelius is probably thousands of times more difficult than formulating a cogent sentence. That the poster very likely excels at the one, yet failed at the other, is worth a chuckle or two.
Poster decided not to abbreviate certain, more common words phrases and words. For instance "best offer" is commonly shortened to "B.O." or "B.R.O." Alternatively, "included" can readily be chopped down to "incl." Yet, these acceptable shortenings were overlooked in favor of reducing "telephone number" to "tel." As far as I know, "tel" is not a commonly used abbreviation for anything. Curious, very curious indeed.
Sadly, there is no photo and--unless I were to google, and who wants to do that?--I will remain forever in the dark as to the appearance of the mythical Cornelius.
In closing, here is a link to a breakfast cereal not offered in the U.S. and a picture of the Cornflakes Rooster with the illustrious name: