I just can't decide whither goest the Runner-Up award today. I mean, check the contenders out:

Funny T-Shirt for the Ladies - $5 (Normal Heights)

and

BRAND NEW" I Love Edward Cullen Hoodie* - $35 (Normal Heights)

Which of these gems has more unintentional hilarity attached? I simply can't decide. Feel free to cast your well-informed votes and maybe this matter can be settled once and for all.

In the meantime, I feel comfortable awarding the day's First Place No-Prize to:

Cornelius 4 Head Premix Soda Fountain or best offer - $150 (normal heights)

Points of Awesomeness

  1. Named "Cornelius." While an amazing name for its own sake, Cornelius is also (to the best of my knowledge) the name of the rooster who serves as a mascot for Kellogg's Corn Flakes. Less well known than Snap, Crackle, or Pop, Cornelius the rooster is still a vital part of the breakfast pantheon.

  2. If installed in home, becomes locus of coolness for entire neighborhood. I mean, can you imagine having a soda fountain in your home? You wouldn't even have to fill it with soda--any liquid could go in the "syrup tanks." You could put OJ concentrate (prolly only without any pulp) in there and have virgin mimosas anytime you wanted. How freaking cool would that be?

  3. Presence of Cornelius soda fountain naturally prompts a search of the entire San Diego craigslist for any ad containing the word "Cornelius." Turns out there are three: one for toys, another one for an enormous ice machine, and the final one is for some home brewing supplies. Oddly enough, the word "cornelius" actually appears in the keyword spam at the bottom of the last ad, a keyword spam labeled "IGNORE." Peculiar.

  4. Advertisement hilariously implies that seller is offering the Cornelius or a best offer, each for the cost of $150. Logic and grammar being the twin monsters they are, this is a totally understandable error. Also hilarious is that, in terms of practical skills, plumbing and installing the Cornelius is probably thousands of times more difficult than formulating a cogent sentence. That the poster very likely excels at the one, yet failed at the other, is worth a chuckle or two.

  5. Poster decided not to abbreviate certain, more common words phrases and words. For instance "best offer" is commonly shortened to "B.O." or "B.R.O." Alternatively, "included" can readily be chopped down to "incl." Yet, these acceptable shortenings were overlooked in favor of reducing "telephone number" to "tel." As far as I know, "tel" is not a commonly used abbreviation for anything. Curious, very curious indeed.

Sadly, there is no photo and--unless I were to google, and who wants to do that?--I will remain forever in the dark as to the appearance of the mythical Cornelius.

In closing, here is a link to a breakfast cereal not offered in the U.S. and a picture of the Cornflakes Rooster with the illustrious name:

Thank you.

More like this:

Comments

PistolPete Nov. 19, 2009 @ 12:09 p.m.

A BIB system would be awesome. 'Course, then you'd have to buy the urinal and a pool table and that really neat-o Charger neon sign and a bar and that fooseball table and...

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SDaniels Nov. 19, 2009 @ 12:13 p.m.

'As far as I know, "tel" is not a commonly used abbreviation for anything. Curious, very curious indeed."

"Tel." is a common abbreviation for "telephone" in signature blocks, more common in Europe.

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SDaniels Nov. 19, 2009 @ 12:15 p.m.

My great grandfather's name was Cornelius. I like it.

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PistolPete Nov. 19, 2009 @ 12:18 p.m.

I was almost named Orville....Yeesh. No disrespect to mmy deceased grandfather but some names need to be left in the past. Thank God everyone called him Pete.

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CuddleFish Nov. 19, 2009 @ 12:23 p.m.

I've seen "tel." used a lot, Pike. Y'all is just too young to recall it. Also, in Mexico that abbreviation is fairly common, I think.

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FullFlavorPike Nov. 19, 2009 @ 1:11 p.m.

Dude, Orville is an AWESOME name! Popcorn and airplanes, what more could you want?

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PistolPete Nov. 19, 2009 @ 1:37 p.m.

Pistol Orville just doesn't conjure up the same images Pistol Pete does. :-D

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FullFlavorPike Nov. 19, 2009 @ 1:41 p.m.

What about Flamethrower Orville, or Orville Howitzer?

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Josh Board Nov. 19, 2009 @ 4:09 p.m.

That's so odd that that mascot has a name, and nobody knew it. Why did they bother naming it, if they wouldn't use the name. I mean, we all know Tony the Tiger. And I think we would, even if he didn't do those lame "they're greeeeeeaaaat" commercials.

I just wonder if a bunch of PR guys were sitting in a room saying "what name is out there, with 'corn' in it? or 'flake'?" And how long after that, did someone shout "Cornelius!"

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MsGrant Nov. 19, 2009 @ 7:41 p.m.

How in the hell did he get here?

"That's so odd that that mascot has a name, and nobody knew it. Why did they bother naming it, if they wouldn't use the name. I mean, we all know Tony the Tiger. And I think we would, even if he didn't do those lame "they're greeeeeeaaaat" commercials.

I just wonder if a bunch of PR guys were sitting in a room saying "what name is out there, with 'corn' in it? or 'flake'?" And how long after that, did someone shout "Cornelius!" "

The guy is stupid beyond, and how he got this gig is up to all to guess.

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MsGrant Nov. 19, 2009 @ 7:56 p.m.

Stay out of these blogs, Josh. It is transparent to all that you are not educated enough to engage.

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Josh Board Nov. 20, 2009 @ 1:34 a.m.

Yeah, MsG. You just added two gems with those posts. If Pike wants me out of his blogs, I'll gladly stay out.

Don't you have dogs to take care of? Or jobs to quit?

And, if my post was so lame...why cut and paste it for EVERYONE to read again? Just say "Josh, your above post was lame" and leave it at that.

You're too stupid to even know how properly diss someone.

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MsGrant Nov. 20, 2009 @ 7:21 a.m.

"You're too stupid to even know how properly diss someone."

Nuff said.

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