John Brandi 9 p.m., Sept. 17
New releases opening this week
Well, dog my cats, Scott Marks has fallen for Olympus Has Fallen! Gerard Butler invades the White House and Mr. Marks' critical sensibilities! Also, when the aliens from the future have to sort out the history of the world based only on Hollywood movies, they are going to be amazed at how badass North Korea was. Who would guess that we still have troops in Afghanistan after seeing this and the Red Dawn remake?
Scott also had a kind word for Harmony Korine's The Wizazzard of Oz, er, Spring Breakers. But seriously, how much better would Oz the Great and Powerful have been in James Franco had appeared, not as a grinning magician, but as a grinning gangsta?
Follow the yellow brick road, bitches.
Alas, I fear that fans of Jack Kerouac's Beat novel On the Road will have to remain fans of Jack Kerouac's Beat novel On the Road instead of switching their allegiances to the film version. However, it is hoped that any kids of today who view the film will be helped to realize that people have been engaging in drug-fueled orgies since forever.
MOVING ALONG. I am mad at Admission because Hollywood continues to waste Paul Rudd.
I am mad at The Croods because they dropped EMMA STONE into the Uncanny Valley and came up with this:
And I'm not mad at The Silence because, despite its flaws, it has the sangfroid to humanize a pedophilic murderer. Sangfroid, I tell you.
"If I don't make it back, tell everyone how sorry I am for all those lousy rom-coms."
More like this:
- Ashley Judd makes history! — March 28, 2013
- Interview: Robert Forster has risen! — March 27, 2013
- Hollywood 'wiggers' — March 25, 2013
- Why poll when you can impale? — March 8, 2013
- Wait, wait, wait - howcum no one told me about The Monk? — March 8, 2013