Vincent Farnsworth 6:31 p.m., Dec. 4
Since it's yet again another quiet evening, I'd like to talk about the parking situation on my little corner. I have a three point presentation. No clue what that means but I heard it once and it sounds pretty tough, doesn't it? But mine won't hurt a bit. Promise. It's just a few things I need to bring up, vent about, maybe give the readers an idea of what residents in commercial areas have to deal with when you enjoy your day or night, most importantly where I live. But again, you might feel a pinch.
First, there really isn't much parking in this neck of the woods. It can be very touch and go to find a spot. However, driving around the block in circles over and over won't help. I was out doing a little dance with the nicotine devil and a couple of Yah Dudes were in a SUV or something. I don't know cars. I just know it was bigger than my Saturn, which is small enough to come with the warning that it doesn't work on the carpet. Anyway. These guys kept driving around and around the block as if either: one, they'd catch someone leaving or two, a new spot magically appeared for them for their hard work. Either way, go out another block and you may have more luck. It's not rocket science.
I want to point out a caveat to my request. See, this is coming from someone who doesn't drink more than a beer a month (aside from a recent drinking exposition... can't call getting drunk by myself on three beers a binge, in my opinion... oh, I'm a lightweight, too). I can only imagine stumbling out of the bar and having to walk several blocks to your car. I have also seen the Next Morning Drop-Off, which is probably better than some drunk idiot adding to the ever-increasing population growth of bad drivers, to come back the next day sober.
Second, learn how to park. Seriously. Not two feet from the curb, not on it, just make love to it and that'll be close enough. Also, if you see a space that looks like it could fit two cars, please, for the love of all that is spatially holy, don't take up both freakin' spots, hunh? Yeah, I'm talking to you, Mr. I'm Compensating With My Big Truck Because I Have a Small- well, you know who you are. No need to point it out. Common sense, people. Common sense.
And finally, third, if you have a dog (or dogs) with you, don't leave them in your car when you decide you want a beer. And this goes for people who are just walking by with their dog and tie the poor pup to the bench. Not only is that pretty damn rude but it's annoying as all get out when they bark at every single person that walks by. My window is right over the bench and it freaks my cat out. Stop it.
See? That didn't hurt. No PowerPoint mess, no charts or graphs, no chalky drink to ingest or anything inserted anywhere. Just a simple procedure.
And that, my friends, is my neighborhood.