Hi, kids! I'm Jose El Burro. Welcome to My Neighborhood. Let's take a look around. Here we are at 36th Street and University. Look at that pink building over there with the stars painted on it. Let's read the sign: "The Minx Strip Club, World's Hottest Showgirls." Can you say, "Showgirls"? Let's go over and take a look. Hey, it's our friend Svetlana. Hi Svetlana.
"Oh, hi Jose."
How are you, Svetlana?
"I'm okay, Jose. I had to do two days in jail."
"Yes. I was arrested for DUI. But I was not even drunk or in my car. I had two beers and was already in my apartment when the cop car pulled up in front."
Well, Svetlana. We have laws for...
"And now they talk about sending me back to Russia. But my son Eric is American citizen. He was born here. My green card..."
Okay, good luck, Svetlana. Svetlana is what we call an "exotic dancer," kids. That means she takes her clothes off for one-dollar bills. It takes a lot of one-dollar bills to buy school clothes, so Svetlana also cleans motel rooms during the day. She cries a lot, too.
All right, kids, let's look across the street. Hey, it's our favorite restaurant, Canada Steak Burger. Let's go inside and talk to the skinny black guys and their chubby white girlfriends. (What? We can't say that on the air?) All right, cut. Hey, look! It's our friend Maria. Hi Maria!
"Oh, hi Jose El Burro."
Kids, it's friendly to ask, "How are you?" when you see a friend. So, how are you, Maria?
"I'm okay, Jose. I finally got a restraining order on Carlos."
Carlos, your husband?
"Yes. He can't come within 200 feet of me, but he still calls and hangs up. The phone number on the ID is a pay phone down the street, but I know it's him."
Didn't you stab him in the shoulder with a broken shard of mirror a couple of weeks ago?
"My lawyer says that I was provoked. It was self-defense."
But he caught you cheating on him with Gregov from the liquor store.
"I was provoked , my lawyer says."
Never mind. Okay, Maria, have a nice day! Well, hey! Look over here. It's our friend Ollie. How are you, Ollie?
"I'm good, Jose."
Can you help us wrap the show up, Ollie?
"I sure can, Jose. Have fun in your neighborhood, kids. But always check the Megan's Law website for sexual predators before you play in front of someone's yard."
That's a good tip, Ollie. Okay, can we say goodbye now, Ollie?
"Sure can, Jose."
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, June 22
Building the Great Pyramid
DSC 8:00 p.m. Once again, Egypt will be the seat of world domination. When I am elected president of Earth, I will rule from a stone lounge on the banks of the river Nile. Publicly, I'll reason that the central location makes it ideal, but privately I'll know it's because I want to wear eye makeup and one of those serpentine gold headbands.
Where My Dogs At
MTV2 8:00 p.m. You go out there and you find that goddamn dog or I'm going to slap all hell out of you. We should've listened to your therapist when we found the gerbil floating tits up in the toilet, but noooooo. Your mother said it'd teach you responsibility. Now I'm driving around with my head out the window yelling, "Rusty! Rusty!" If we don't find him, you know what that means. Back to the school in the big white building. Back to your friends who play with their own spit, and you wear the helmet again. You want the helmet? Better find that goddamn dog.
Friday, June 23
Lobstermen: Jeopardy at Sea
DSC 8:00 p.m. I was sure they'd stay down there forever. Now, it looks like I have to resume my fight with the Lobstermen of Atlantis. It's odd that they've sought out a television show to air their grievances with me instead of clipping open my throat while I slept, but I'm not going to look a gift dolphin in the blowhole. Time to oil up my trident and Speedo.
Saturday, June 24
Judy Garland: Medical Secrets
DHC 10:00 a.m. Some so-called medical "professionals" wouldn't acknowledge a three-martini breakfast and Demerol lunch to be a longevity secret. It's about time the Discovery Health Channel set them straight.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic USA Finals
CBS 11:00 a.m. Thank you, CBS. And, thank you, Hawaiian Tropic. And most of all, thank you, bikini ladies, for making my cottonmouth and headache seem tolerable on Saturday mornings. Let's sing a song: OH! IIIiiiiIIII like girls in bikinis. Yes, IIIiiiiIIII like girls in bikinis. Some people say it's sexist / but IiiIIi'd rather watch girls in bikinis / than D2: The Mighty Ducks on Channel 33. OH! IIIiiiiIIII like girls in bikinis. TheeeeeeEEEeeey make me happy!
The True Story of Alexander the Great
HIST 8:00 p.m. Behind his back they called him Alexander the Mediocre or Schmalexander the Just Okay. I heard his feet kind of stunk, too. "The Great" my "The Ass."
Sunday, June 25
SPIKE 8:00 p.m. The police didn't believe me when I told them I wasn't peeping on that woman, but rather I was saving her cat caught up in that tree when my kilt got snagged on the spiky top of her iron fence. I don't know where the cat ran off to, but if I wasn't fighting crime, then why did I have my batman cape and mask on? Answer me that, smart copper.
Monday, June 26
Good Morning San Diego
KUSI 7:00 a.m. Every Monday morning it's the same thing. I get up, shower, button my shirt up, and lace my boots. Then I spend the next eight hours trying to get drunk enough to appreciate Eskimo pornography. I mean, those nice people are trying to put themselves through Whale Blubber College or something, and who's going to look at it except me? I think of it as civic volunteering.
Tuesday, June 27
Toby Keith: Live, Uncut, and Unleashed
CMTV 8:00 p.m. This sounds like more of Mr. Keith than I'd care to see. Uncut, huh? How European. Who would've guessed?
Wednesday, June 28
Shark: Mind of a Demon with Fabien Cousteau
CBS 8:00 p.m. Underpants: Mind of an Idiot with Anthony Olivieri . That's the new show I'm going to pitch to CBS.