San Diego Public Access Channel presents:
Sex Education as Taught by Your Bashful Nephew
Hi, I'm Ollie, your bashful nephew. They told me to give this sex education class on the TV because I screwed up in school and have to work off my debt. Stupid Katie Ingraham got gum in her hair. I didn't even do it! Anyway, we just had sex education class and I'm here to talk about it. Oh, I heard a good one the other day. Hee hee ha. It goes like this, "Rock out with your..." Well, I can't say it. It's a dirty one. Michael Stafford said it really loud one day behind the Social Studies building. He yelled "ROCK OUT WITH YOUR...you know what...OUT!"
Ha ha ha.
There's one like that for the girls, too. It goes, "Jam out with your..." I don't want to say it. It's not really dirty, just a word. You know, it's a shellfish. Okay, I'll whisper it: "clam out." Shhh! I'm going to get in trouble.
I don't know how they come up with these, but they crack me up. Apparently, any enthusiastic dancing to popular music with your, um, okay, let me spell it, g-e-n-i-t-a-l-s outside of your clothing is okay for these jokes.
I'm getting some sort of signal from the producer. He's making a hand gesture. Ha! Not the bad one, but he's moving his hands in big circles. He's pointing to the cue cards. Now he's scratching his forehead. Are you going to cry, Mr. Roberts? I don't want to make you cry.
Um. Okay. Let's read the cue cards. This one says, "When males enter puberty their..." WHOA! I can't say that! Wait a minute. You mean they get bigger? I haven't noticed mine getting any bigger. They're still about the size of my combination lock at school.
Okay, that crashing sound you heard is my principal coming into the studio. She just knocked over those big lights. Now she's making the "cut" motion across her neck. I think she wants me to stop.
Dang it! She said I'm going to be suspended again. That's bull! I came out here and did what you told me. This isn't fair! I did your stupid TV show.
It's not my fault!
My dad's going to kill me.
Thursday, July 19
On the Set: The Bronx Is Burning
ESPN 10:00 a.m.
When we colonize Uranus, I hope they establish a township named after Mianus, Connecticut. It'd be Mianus, Uranus. Sort of an "I'm okay, you're okay" sentiment mixed with how dogs greet each other.
USA 7:30 p.m.
Shut up, Tom Cruise. See, there's harmless weird, like me, and then there's aggressive weird -- weird on a devious mission. Tom wears aggressive weird like an ugly leisure suit. He's like that kid who feeds his snake a diet of green plastic army men, mice, and his little brother's hair. Tom Cruise, you creep everyone out.
Friday, July 20
Scott Baio Is 45...and Single
VH1 8:00 p.m.
Oh, great. We get Scott Baio's love life piped into our apartments. As if there aren't enough odd smells and mysterious stains clinging to my couch. Now I have this to contend with. I feel like I should cover everything with towels before this show starts.
Saturday, July 21
VS 9:00 a.m.
Since I'm a cyclist, I tuned in for one of these Tour de France broadcasts. Let me recap it for you. Guys riding bikes. Guys riding bikes. Guys riding bikes. Repeat for four hours. There should be a ladies Tour de France. On old beach cruisers. In bikinis and high heels. With a Popsicle-eating contest to crown the victor. Man, that sounds great. Why didn't the dummies that came up with the regular Tour de France think of this?
NBC 10:00 p.m.
My television station is producing a mixture of the shows Medium and Cold Case Files . It's going to be called Luke Warm . That kid from 90210 will star in it as a psychic, but he won't be a detective. His power will be to know when a bag of old hot dogs is about to turn bad. Plus, he'll have a parrot. I think parrots are going to be big this year.
Sunday, July 22
ABC 9:00 p.m.
If I were a Tyrannosaurus Rex, I'd eat the Desperate Housewives first. As a dog chews on grass to make itself sick up, I think the collagen, Botox, and silicone carried around by the cast would aid in my digestion of other Hollywood stars. I would roar and scratch at the windows of their BMWs with my tiny front claws. Then I'd sing my theme song, "I am/ the Tyrannosaurus Rex who eats/ TV show actors," and then there'd be a guitar solo. And fireworks.
Monday, July 23
How I Met Your Mother
CBS 8:00 p.m.
If the doctor who performed my vasectomy ever wants an extra thousand dollars as retroactive payment for the procedure, I'll give it to him. It's a small price to pay to never have to tell a kid, "Well, supposedly we'd met a few hours before this, but my first recollection of your mom was when I opened the car door and her prosthetic leg fell out. The police asked me where my pants were and why there was a smiley face painted to my chest."
Tuesday, July 24
America's Funniest Home Videos
ABC 8:00 p.m.
I have a plan to get ten thousand bucks real quick. It involves a plastic baseball bat, a trampoline, and a tiny dog. I can't tell you what's going to happen because you have to be surprised by the events. I'm working the camera, naturally. Who's in?
Wednesday, July 25
A Tribute to Tony
CA4SD 8:30 p.m.
Since this is the local San Diego channel, I assume this is for Tony "An Island unto Himself" Gwynn. Am I the only one in local media who's willing to extend a helping hand to our former-baseball-hero-turned-personal-neighborhood? I saw him at a game the other night. He was dousing his microphone in barbecue sauce. Tony, come with me to the gym, buddy; let's do a sit-up.
Thursday, July 26
Rock of Love with Bret Michaels
VH1 8:00 p.m.
Poison front man stars in his own "Flavor of Love." Mmm...smells like peroxide, desperation, and grease.