My new best friend, a sock puppet, wrote this week's installment of "Remote Control King." I made the sock puppet's eyes with dried jalapeños from a discarded pizza, and his mouth was created by painting on some lipstick left in my medicine cabinet by my ex-girlfriend. I get lonely sometimes.
HELLO, KIDDIES! My name is Hobnobbery McCupcakepants! I'm here to tell you all about the wonderful things on television this week. You know, television isn't just for entertainment. You can learn all about... Hey, stop squirming, Tugboat. Excuse me, kiddies. The fat bastard whose arm ends where I begin is tugging against the restraints. Don't make me turn around and slap you until pie comes out. Wait. How did you get those ropes so tight? I mean, I'm your right arm, and I didn't do it. And you duct-taped your mouth as well. Weird. Anyway.
Okay, kids. If I crane my little socky neck up and look out the closet door, I can see a wonderful land of opportunity to learn. I can see many things, even if it is just an 8-by-10 room that Bag-of-Donuts back there rents from an old lady in a blue housecoat.
There's a greasy cardboard pizza box where my pepper peepers came from. Do you know where pizza was invented, kids? That's right: Italy. There are all sorts of wonderful travel programs on television about that disgusting place full of loud, lazy, cigarette-smoking morons who happened to stumble upon a brilliant, tasty way of stuffing more starch and fat into their noise holes.
What else can we see? Why, look at all that frayed, threadbare carpet, and those stains! Did you know that boiling ash from burnt wood along with animal fat made the first soaps? There are a lot of learning programs on TV that will tell you all about how soap is made. Although, I don't think anything is going to get that blood out. Hey, Jabba the Special, what the hell did you do right there? Nasty.
Well, kids. I can see by the enraged look in Dumptruck's eyes and the loose handcuff that it's...gaaah! Gaaah! Watch the elastic. You're going to stretch me out...gaah!
Hello. It's Ollie again, your friendly neighborhood Remote Control King. That's all the time we had for the insolent hosiery, Mr. McCupcakepants, but tune in next week when we explore why you shouldn't lick the bathtub. So long, kids.
Thursday, February 1
CBS 8:00 p.m.
I've got a cop story. I'm a hard-as-nails detective with a tender heart and a checkered past. I've made some mistakes, but always got my man. I've limited my advancement opportunities by being too tough and by not playing the office politics that could've got me promoted. My wife walked out on me because I'm married to my job. I'm on the case of a lifetime, and when it's closed I'm going to retire. Wait. No. That's every other cop show ever. My story is about an angry, cigarette-smoking, coffee-swilling meter maid and his temperamental scooter, Alexander.
The Real World
MTV 11:00 p.m.
I learned everything I know about the construction business from '80s videos. In a jaunty neckerchief and holding a pneumatic jackhammer, I was quite a sight. When I smeared hot grease all over my face and chest, it made me look tough, but my pouty lips showed my true, brooding soul. I practiced my looks in a mirror before my first day on the job. Somehow, my coworkers were confused and didn't understand the nature of hard work -- even after I had set up my strobe light and spark shower in the background. Stupid real-life construction workers... don't understand anything about working hard during the week and living for the weekend.
Friday, February 2
The Fashion Team
TVGC 5:00 p.m.
Here's the thing. Listen up, a-holes. I dress simply: jeans and a decent shirt, nothing fancy or expensive. If I walk into another damned coffee shop and one of you rocket whistles with the Bluetooth earpiece and your pants tucked into your fuzzy boots looks at me like I'm a cat with two heads, I'm going to stuff you under the table that's supporting your wiggly elbows and gliding hands, and I'm going to kick you until you revisit the mojitos and walnut pear salad you had last night.
Saturday, February 3
The Empire Strikes Back
HBO 11:00 a.m.
Vampires. Hannibal. Darth Vader. The Terminator. I always wanted the bad guys to win. Bad guys get to wear all black and capes and masks and they get to skulk. The damned do-gooders are always running and leaping around in white pants. That's why I always identify with the bad guys. I'm not athletic, and I can't wear light-colored clothing. (I'm a messy eater.)
World's Greatest Sports Bloopers
ABC 8:00 p.m.
This really isn't what you want to watch before going out on a Saturday night. Sure, there should be something playing in the background while you're showering, ironing, and getting your shoes on, but you don't want a lot of blundering movements that end in testicular concussion. You don't want that in your head while you're navigating the social scene of a crowded bar. No bueno.
Sunday, February 4
Spacecraft Trailblazers: Voyage to the Planets and Beyond
Science 3:00 p.m.
When we finally start living in space, I think we're going to be terribly disappointed. Our whole lives we've built up space travel with adjectives like "trailblazing" and "beyond!" When I'm watching television in a Barcalounger from an orbiting space station for retirees, I'm sure I'll scratch my gray beard scruff and say, "Really? This is it? This is kind of like Florida without the mosquitoes."
Monday, February 5
How I Met Your Mother
CBS 8:00 p.m.
Now that I'm single again, I've been watching informational videos on the courtship process. According to most of my DVDs, all I need now is a boat or a pool. Then I just have to stumble upon some woman sunbathing while she thinks she's alone. (You know what I mean, alone.) All that's left is the removal of swimwear and the reclining of the white vinyl sun chair. Easy as pie. Or is it cake? Anyway, that's the kitchen scene, and I think it's reserved for advanced students. Frosting is probably tough to get out of your hair.