Miss Muffett traded her tuffet, many years ago, for the comfort of Italian leather. But it isn't her own seat Muffett is interested in at this moment. It is the seat of her stewardess. Muffett reaches up and swats the stew on her can. Startled, the young lady lets out a little embarrassed laugh and walks quickly to the private jet's galley to hide. Having only worked as the flight attendant to Miss Muffett for a week, she has not heard from the other crewmembers of Miss Muffett's tyrannical sexual harassment of the girls in her employ.
Muffett reclines in her roomy chair and thinks of ringing the stewardess to bring her more champagne and another look at that pencil skirt, but her finger stops short of the button and she looks out the tiny oblong window next to her at the countryside racing by below.
What a long trip it's been. From a cottage-industry curds-and-whey company she started in her modest kitchen long ago, to this, winging across country in her own jet to meet with the CEO of QVC. Who knew curds and whey would become the latest trend in health foods, sold by the tubful at every gym, nutrition center, and supermarket?
No one was even making curds and whey when the write-ups in bodybuilding and women's health magazines started rolling out. Only Muffett, and a handful of old ladies scattered across the country, even knew what curds and whey were when the dish was touted as a "super food."
Some say it was luck. Others talk of Muffett's latent marketing skills, unknown even to her, that poised her to become the nation's largest distributor of the must-have breakfast ingredient. There was even a silly article in the New Yorker that had attributed her success to the fever of a spider bite she'd sustained while building her business. It was written that her struggle with the poison calcified her resolve to lift herself from poverty.
Muffett smiles at the thought of that silly article and scratches the red mark on her forearm, the healed bite. Maybe it was true. It was around that time that her first television commercials rolled out and her personal checking account tallied one million.
Before she reaches for the stewardess call button, she decides that if her advances toward the stew are spurned once more, she will fire the girl the minute the landing gear touches tarmac.
Thursday, June 7
CBS 7:00 a.m.
Paris watch: At the time of printing, Paris has been in jail for three and a half days. Except for my thrill that the judge gave her hard time instead of rehab, I'm not happy she's in there. Jail is a horrid place, and I've done time for the same things she's in for -- boozing and driving and carrying on that way. Paris, talk a guard into giving you an extra blanket, or trade part of your lunch to another inmate to get one. Those cells get cold at night.
Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
FOX 8:00 p.m.
Did you know that jackalopes stage boxing matches? Oh, I'm surprised you didn't know that since you're so smart, Mr. I'm-in-the-Fifth-Grade-Now. How about the fact that gnomes are color blind and that they enjoy swimming? Didn't know that one either? Well, then. I don't know what they're teaching in schools these days. Your class hasn't even learned that volcano teeth cry during civil war? What a pity.
Friday, June 8
CBS 10:00 p.m.
Sweet Mary, how I hate it when numbers are substituted for letters. Not that I'd like a return to Victorian English or that I can't accept the evolution of language, but this is damned irritating. Cr4m 1t 4nd br34k 1t 0ff, CBS!
Saturday, June 9
Band in the Bubble
MTV 7:30 p.m.
I'm convinced that motion-activated towel dispensers are wired with cameras to catch us at our stupidest moments to be broadcast on an MTV reality show, airing sometime next year. How many times have I stood in front of those damned contraptions, waving my arms like an epileptic mime? I'll be the moron our nation tunes in to watch, doing my wet-hand watusi until I'm rewarded with a brown sheet of paper or I give up and wipe my hands on my pants and walk out.
Die Another Day (2002)
CBS 9:00 p.m.
If you're home watching TV Saturday night at 9, you're probably only interested in one thing about this movie. Ladies, this is the one with Pierce Brosnan. And, guys, this is the one with Halle Berry's orange bikini. Other than that, I don't know any details about the movie. I'm guessing there's a diamond-encrusted, jet-propelled watch that rockets Mr. Bond to safety at the last minute and a satellite or something has to be blown up before they can strip down and hop in the sack. Maybe next week you'll dress up and have a cocktail somewhere instead of crying in your empty apartment, hmmm?
Sunday, June 10
Spike 5:00 p.m.
I'm not ashamed to say that I tear up while watching Rocky movies. I'm not normally an emotional person, but when the horns start blaring the Rocky anthem and I'm clutching my boxing gloves and a sweaty shirt, I have to yell, "You can do it, Rocky!" I squeegee eye water off my cheek and yell again, "YOU CAN DO IT! Oh ho ho ho!"
Monday, June 11
FOX 9:00 p.m.
With this show and A&E's Top Chef , apparently kitchen drama is the next big thing. To hop on this trend, tonight I'll microwave a Lean Cuisine, get drunk on bourbon, and yell at my cat.
Tuesday, June 12
Fast Cars & Superstars:The Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race
ABC 9:30 p.m.
For no reason at all, I now use the French word "crêpes" instead of "crap." You can see where this is going. The image in my mind of a "celebrity race" television show is a very thin pancake rolled up with a fruit, cheeses, and nuts stuffing.
Wednesday, June 13
Last Comic Standing
NBC 9:00 p.m.
Ah, comedy. Unless he can play a guitar, this is the last hope of the portly and socially awkward to get a girlfriend. Whoa. That hit close to home. I guess I should either learn to read music or work on my routine.
Thursday, June 14
The Best Damn 2006 Hooters Pageant
Fox Sports 9:30 p.m.
If you listen closely, you can hear the ghost of George Washington weep and gnash his wooden teeth.