Matthew Lickona 2:45 p.m., Dec. 10
There is much in the way of unintentional hilarity in today's Runner-Up:
Such a weird trilogy of items for sale! Lions, tigers, and bears; or, alternatively; sex, drugs, and rock and roll; or even planes, trains, and automobiles has nothing on watch, snakes, and RC car. It reminds me of this awesome game I used to play. It's called What's The Three Weirdest Things You Could Buy At The Grocery Store. Fun, fun game. Try it sometime. I'll go first: "rat poison, kool-aid, and a pack of dixie cups."
Runner-Up lost points for being out in Mira Mesa, otherwise would have certainly been a contender. By virtue of location, from the Land of False Hopes, a Winner:
Biggest. Disappointment. Ever. I thought, for a second, that I might be discovering some sort of new item, the likes of which I had never before seen. Needless to say, I was tremendously excited at the possibility. Spending as much time spelunking the depths of the interwebs as I do, it's not often that something really and truly novel pops up for sale. What do I find on clicking? Crutches. Wow, what an amazing find. Sigh. Of course, this only occurred because my command of the Spanish language hopes to someday grow up and be considered "remedial." Qu'et-ce que je peux dire? J'ai appris francais a l'universite... I thought, "muletas could be anything." It didn't even register that it might be some mundane, work-a-day object. Oh well, such is life. In the spirit of novelty, I was going to try and propose a few humorous alternatives for what "muletas' might or might not have been. After staring at the blinky-cursor thing for quite some time and coming up completely empty-handed, I realized that such an endeavor was deeply flawed from the outset. After all, the entire reason I was so titillated by the prospect of the "muletas" was that I had absolutely no idea what they were. For the most part, their nature was almost beyond speculation. I confess, being a big foodie, I thought they sounded vaguely comestible at first. But, then again, pretty much everything sounds like food when you are as gastronomically inclined as myself. If muletas were a food, I feel as though they would be some sort of cornbread type dish, spiced with sage, and lightly sweetened so as to be useful at either end of a meal. Maybe I should work on that recipe because it actually sounds pretty good. I feel like my muletas would be more cake-like than your average cornbread, probably with a lighter consistency and a more delicate flavor. Still, they would be robust enough to serve as a sort of bread-basket before the meal. Yum. It would probably tickle the funny bones of Spanish speaking clients to order "crutches cakes," but that's hardly the most strangely named food out there. Consider the deliciousness otherwise known as a croque-monsieur, basically "Mr. Crunchy," as near as I can translate. Then there's the well-known nickname for Chipped Beef on Toast, borrowed straight from military slang and often given in acrostic form as S.O.S.
Anyways, I am now very, very tired and must go to sleep. I strongly suspect that my over-used legs may fall off my body at any second if I don't give them rest, ASAP.