There is much in the way of unintentional hilarity in today's Runner-Up:

Bulova watch, snakes, remote car - $1 (Mira Mesa)

Such a weird trilogy of items for sale! Lions, tigers, and bears; or, alternatively; sex, drugs, and rock and roll; or even planes, trains, and automobiles has nothing on watch, snakes, and RC car. It reminds me of this awesome game I used to play. It's called What's The Three Weirdest Things You Could Buy At The Grocery Store. Fun, fun game. Try it sometime. I'll go first: "rat poison, kool-aid, and a pack of dixie cups."

Runner-Up lost points for being out in Mira Mesa, otherwise would have certainly been a contender. By virtue of location, from the Land of False Hopes, a Winner:

muletas - $10 (normal heights)

Biggest. Disappointment. Ever. I thought, for a second, that I might be discovering some sort of new item, the likes of which I had never before seen. Needless to say, I was tremendously excited at the possibility. Spending as much time spelunking the depths of the interwebs as I do, it's not often that something really and truly novel pops up for sale. What do I find on clicking? Crutches. Wow, what an amazing find. Sigh. Of course, this only occurred because my command of the Spanish language hopes to someday grow up and be considered "remedial." Qu'et-ce que je peux dire? J'ai appris francais a l'universite... I thought, "muletas could be anything." It didn't even register that it might be some mundane, work-a-day object. Oh well, such is life. In the spirit of novelty, I was going to try and propose a few humorous alternatives for what "muletas' might or might not have been. After staring at the blinky-cursor thing for quite some time and coming up completely empty-handed, I realized that such an endeavor was deeply flawed from the outset. After all, the entire reason I was so titillated by the prospect of the "muletas" was that I had absolutely no idea what they were. For the most part, their nature was almost beyond speculation. I confess, being a big foodie, I thought they sounded vaguely comestible at first. But, then again, pretty much everything sounds like food when you are as gastronomically inclined as myself. If muletas were a food, I feel as though they would be some sort of cornbread type dish, spiced with sage, and lightly sweetened so as to be useful at either end of a meal. Maybe I should work on that recipe because it actually sounds pretty good. I feel like my muletas would be more cake-like than your average cornbread, probably with a lighter consistency and a more delicate flavor. Still, they would be robust enough to serve as a sort of bread-basket before the meal. Yum. It would probably tickle the funny bones of Spanish speaking clients to order "crutches cakes," but that's hardly the most strangely named food out there. Consider the deliciousness otherwise known as a croque-monsieur, basically "Mr. Crunchy," as near as I can translate. Then there's the well-known nickname for Chipped Beef on Toast, borrowed straight from military slang and often given in acrostic form as S.O.S.

Anyways, I am now very, very tired and must go to sleep. I strongly suspect that my over-used legs may fall off my body at any second if I don't give them rest, ASAP.

Comments

SDaniels Nov. 25, 2009 @ 3:48 a.m.

"Try it sometime. I'll go first: "rat poison, kool-aid, and a pack of dixie cups.""

Hmm, recipe for "drinking the kool-aid?"

I ain't goin' first on that one! Oh, ok, fun fun game:

Another Sinister Story via Grocery Store List:

  1. tub of white caulking
  2. 5 lbs of herring
  3. dozen mason jars
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SDaniels Nov. 25, 2009 @ 4:15 a.m.

Prof. Lacan's mini-forensic translative analysis of Pike's 'muletas' aporia:

When Pike read the word "muletas," he claims to have made an immediate connection with food, specifically cornbread:

"I feel as though they would be some sort of cornbread type dish, spiced with sage, and lightly sweetened so as to be useful at either end of a meal."

This is because Pike's Euro-Amer consciousness, combined with his sort of knowledge of romance languages ("Sort of" evidenced in misspelling of common French phrase: "Qu'et-ce que") led him to think of "mule," which led in turn to "hush puppies." "Hush puppies" are a fried dough device common to cuisine of the American South, and notably to cuisine in New Orleans, a city French in origin.

"Hush puppies" is therefore the transitional term, subject to aporetic elision, as it combines the idea of shoes and quiet (not saying, "shhh"), with a corn dough-type food item. Interestingly, Pike elided the 'shoe' step in this process of association, but cannot have done so unconsciously, because the "mule" was necessary to arriving at any kind of cornbread.

The aporia also evidences in the phrases "It didn't even register," "might or might not have been," and most importantly: "After staring at the blinky-cursor thing for quite some time and coming up completely empty-handed." Thusly, Pike remains "hushed" about the shoe connection.

The misspelling of the French was a kind of 'misstep,' which may have added to the anxiety over feeling at a loss when confronted with the muletas as crutches. The missing letter in "Qu'est-ce-que" is the "s," the third and last letters of the term "hush puppies." "S" appears at either end of this term, a suggestion visibly encrypted in Pike's idea that his corn-dough dish would appear "at either end of a meal."

He has stepped over these "s" letters, which are yet impossible to escape, as "s" appears in "muletas." (Presumably one muleta would not suffice).

Pike ends with this feeling, expressed in "over-used legs may fall off my body at any second." Therefore, the negative connotations around "muletas" and its linguistic disappointments show their ultimate rejection by this author, in his choice to avoid bipedalism altogether, in any form, with the strict injunction to fall immediately into bed.

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CuddleFish Nov. 25, 2009 @ 5:59 a.m.

Dang, she's some kind of linguistic Monk. :)

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SDaniels Nov. 25, 2009 @ 6:55 a.m.

AG, do you mean to imply that we are mules with mullets?

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Joe Poutous Nov. 25, 2009 @ 7:03 a.m.

"muletas"

Yeah AG... I was thinking along the same lines. But more toward an army of little people with mullets. Full on Rock Mullets.

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MsGrant Nov. 25, 2009 @ 7:18 a.m.

SD, why aren't you more famous? Or you do have an underground lair somewhere? If so, I want to join your band of crypt-cracking sleuths.

Was it Jeffrey Dahmer?

I did come up with this, to which I had to quickly avert my eyes lest I get sucked into their hilarious prothelysizing about the end of the earth: http://www.doomers.us/forum2/index.php?action=printpage;topic=18743.0

These guys are a riot!!! Chickens are the answer!!!

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SDaniels Nov. 25, 2009 @ 7:53 a.m.

I have chosen not to be famous [maniacal laugh ;) My lair is semi-underground, and unlocatable by human means. But you are welcome to join my band of cryptics, if you can come up with the password. Hint: To do with chickens.

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PistolPete Nov. 25, 2009 @ 9:27 a.m.

Muletas/mullettas? A roving pack of wild women perhaps? Avon like business in the front and party till she f***s ya on a pooltable in the back:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=4414

Weirdest grocery store purchase? Pack of Marlboros, 30-pack of Natty ice, and a bag of Depends. A tad similar to this Wal-creature, yet, more normal:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=3780

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FullFlavorPike Nov. 25, 2009 @ 9:41 a.m.

Good three-fers, SD and Pete. Well played.

So much to be said about my lacking an 's,' eh Analyst Daniels? ;)

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JF Nov. 25, 2009 @ 10:18 a.m.

To do with chickens.

All this talk lately about TOS violations and you go using fowl language?

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SDaniels Nov. 25, 2009 @ 11:06 a.m.

re: #10:

Blush

re: #11:

Filthy cluckers, ain't we? :)

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