Barnaby Monk 5 a.m., Sept. 28
- Community Blog
- Daily Crasher
A San Diego Sinner in Dear Abby
Somebody sent Dear Abby a letter the other day, calling themselves the "San Diego Sinner." It was a teenager girl that wore thong underwear. Her and her sister are now called "sinners" by their mom.
She said it's what all the girls wear these days, and that they'd look stupid in the locker room if they weren't wearing them.
Abby went on to say how she didn't understand the thongs, because women always struggled to keep their panties from bunching up exactly where the thong is designed to go, and the feeling is really uncomfortable. Now, Abby is taking a poll on the subject. Hysterical. Of all the things to take a poll about, it's thong underwear. I think the girl should write back and say "Abby wears granny panties, Abby wears granny panties!!"
But the question before the San Diegan, was better. It's from a 13-year-old boy who says: I don't want to make my friend mad, but he does something that makes me feel weird. When we go to the mall to hang out, he always wants to go to the big stores (I love that line. I would ask "You mean 'Big Lots'?").
You know those dummies on display wearing clothes? Well, he likes to feel them up. He thinks it's cool to go up to a female dummy and feel her breasts. When he does it, he gigles. People stare and I have to leave. I told him I don't like it and he says "Whatever."
He is my best friend, and I like looking at real girls on the beach. He says that's boring and he'd rather feel up the store dummies. What's up with that? What should I do? Billy in Galveston.
Abby answers: Your friend is very immature. He is both attracted to girls and afraid of rejection. That is why he is acting out with department store mannequins who cannot tell him "Stop that, you fool. Get away from me!"
Great job there, Abby! I would've first told the kid "Dummies are what ventriliquists use, those are mannequins." And why is Abby assuming the kid likes girls? Maybe the boy doesn't like girls, but doesn't want his best friend to know that, so he overcompensates by touching mannequins and pretending to like it.
I would've told the kid he was stupid for going into department stores with his friend, if he does something like this. I might've thrown in "but...what else is there to do in Galveston?"
But it all reminded me of a few things. I once worked with someone that had a big house on the beach. And, she had mannequins all over it. I thought that was a bit bizarre. I think she thought it was cool and artistic, I dunno.
And, I remember those early teenage years and I too, did a few crazy things to mannequins. I wouldn't repeatedly touch them or anything. But there was a time or two, I grabbed a boob. Hey, why not? What other chance would a 13-year-old get to do that to 6' tall, 36-24-36?
But what I did more often, was try to make my friends laugh as we walked by them in the Walker Scott store in the mall. I'd stop and say, "Hello. Do you come here often?" Or I might say, "Are you looking at me, or David? Me? Yeah, I knew it, right when our eyes locked." One of my better lines was, "You're the tall, silent type." We'd walk away laughing.
The first time I saw a mannequin with some skimpy lingerie, my friend and I stop and stared. Our jaws dropped and eyes wide open, like Beavis & Butthead. We couldn't believe adults actually wore these things!
My friend was ready to leave before me (I'm ashamed to admit). He said something along the lines of "Dude, they're going to call store security on us." I turned my head to talk to him, without taking my eyes off the panties, and said "Do you realize that in one month, this will be worn by a real woman. And we won't have the opportunity to stare at it like this again."
I was trying to be funny. He said, "Oh yeah, you're right."
He then locked right back into stare mode. And we stood there for another minute, like those two kids in Weird Science.