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Bonnie and Clogged Pores

Fran Liebowitz once said, "If you're going to watch TV, watch TV."

It's amazing how a comment made in passing on Late Night with David Letterman had the power to change the way I look at things. These eight words, two of them repeated twice, gave me license to pretty much disregard anything of so-called quality on television and immediately set sail on The Love Boat.

I'd rather mate with a pencil-sharpener than sit through a derivative, Emmy Award-winning network "drama," and Glee is my Kryptonite. A friend asked if watching American Idol is my one way of staying in touch with television "kulture." Did she think I was in it for the talent? Jerry Lewis recently dubbed American Idol contestants, "McDonald's wipeouts." I watched Idol for the same reason I worship Howard Stern: he and Simon Cowell appear to be the only two honest pricks left in broadcasting.

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When Simon left my face grew cold and I started bawling. My one concession to the boob tube had lost its brightest boob! The show is nothing without Cowell. Steven Tyler flaps his liver lips and all that comes out is praise and barreling metrical compositions that make Nipsey Russell, the Poet Laureate of the American Game Show, sound like e.e. cummings.

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They may have traded up in the looks department, but when it comes to insight, Jennifer Lopez and Paula Abdul tied for first in the Umbday Derby. Randy sits off to the side throwing out an occasional "dog" or "pitchy" so viewers know that he still has a pulse. Put them all together and there hasn't been this much ass-kissing on TV since Arsenio Hall left the airwaves.

Actors are paid largely for their faces. If given a choice between plastering their pusses across a forty-foot screen or a fifty-inch monitor, which do you think the average Hollywood narcissist will choose? Those of us who have seen Gigli and Maid in Manhattan know that it would be wrong to refer to JLo as an actress. She barely qualifies as a movie star. It was just a matter of time before television came a-courting.

The bad news is JLo is coming back. The good news is there will be no more performances by Marc Anthony.

Jenny heard from the blockheads at Fox that they were willing to cough up $20 million in exchange for her autograph on the dotted-line.

$20 million is a lot to pay someone who isn't starring in a Planet of the Apes sequel to spend three-quarters of their day in makeup, but I don't begrudge her the money. If people are dumb enough to pay the same amount to a guy who can dunk a ball through a hoop, why should it be any different for a performer?

Last season was my last season with Idol. People always complain about Curly's superiority to Shemp and Joe, but for me, Larry is the glue that holds The Three Stooges together. Remove his frizzle-top from the equation and the Stooges become Wheeler and Woolsey. While Simon strikes me as more the Moe type, without his caustic presence, Idol became a leaden throwback to Ted Mack's Original Amateur Hour.

Onward to X Factor!

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Comments

John71471 Aug. 2, 2011 @ 9:34 a.m.

Once "The X Factor" goes on the air, "American Idol" will be finished. I watched for the same reason you did, Simon. I did not care about any of the musical acts save maybe a couple. But in the last couple of years, it has grown boring and repetitive.

My guilty pleasure is "America's Got Talent" judged by two Brits and a Canadian. It's a very weird variety show, with bizarre acts not seen on network TV since the days of "The Gong Show". While Nick Cannon is no Chuck Barris (who else could be?) and Sharon Osbourne is no Jaye P. Morgan, it's still much more entertaining that "Idle" or "So You Think You Can Dance" or any of the other nine zillion competition reality shows.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 2, 2011 @ 10:22 a.m.

I actually was very happy with Steven Tyler and J-Lo, and did not really miss Simon at all.

So I think you're wrong about AI being finished. It is a wait and see.

"America's Got Talent" is not that impressive to me, the acts are just that-acts, many not good or entertaining.

The Gong SHow was awful!

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Colonna Aug. 2, 2011 @ 4:45 p.m.

Now if they made Larry Fine a judge, I might watch that...

I'm warning you!

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 3, 2011 @ 12:02 a.m.

Come on!!!! Larry was the WORST of the stooges! Curly, then Shemp, then Moe, THEN Larry!

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Scott Marks Aug. 3, 2011 @ 9:49 p.m.

Okay, Surf, the gloves are off.

LARRY FINE IST DER SIEG!

He stood in the background, did nothing, and got the snot beat of of him for it every time. Let's see Sir Anthony Hopkins top that!

The writers knew to give him all the good dialog: "What happened here?"; "I'm warning you!"; "Hey, we came to get you out!"; "We better scram!"; "Hurry up and get dressed, fellas. The girls'll be here soon"; "I got nipples, too, see!" ("Sock-A-Bye Baby"), and of course, "Gas off!"

You think I know Scorsese? That's pinhead etchings compared to my knowledge of and appreciation for Lawrence Fineberg. Moe was a bitter putz who wanted to be Chaplin and instead took pies for a living. Curly was a corpulent, mentally challenged load. Shemp was as fugly as his hair was filthy. Joe Besser should have been a bartender in West Hollywood, if you catch my drift. NOT FUNNY! Joe DeRita...Really, does anyone give a crap about Joe DeRita?

Larry is eternal!

Track down a copy of "What's the Matador" and study Laredo's facial expressions as the "Tamale" gives the boys directions. Beyond genius! What about Larry as temptress Moronica in "Back from the Front?" Better than Hepburn.

Both of them.

Combined!

You're talking out of the side of your puddin'-head, Surf. Rent one of the Stooge sets -- preferably the Besser years where Larry's hair was slicked back to add an air of dignity -- turn the sound off, and focus only on Frizzle Top. I'm warning you, you'll thank me in future years for setting you straight.

FOR DUTY AND HUMANITY!!!

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 4, 2011 @ 3:40 p.m.

Track down a copy of "What's the Matador"

Excellent short!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Believe it or not this short has played several times in the past month or two. AMC has been running the shorts on weekday mornings, usually around 5AM, and they usually run 2-3 shorts. They have played "What's the Matador" a number of times. "Antenna TV", a local LA cable station, plays 3 hours of the Boys shorts every Friday evening from 5PM-8PM.

"Three Little Pigskins" has also been played a number of times recently, one of the best shorts the Boys ever made-Lucille Ball has a large role in this short.

I would strongly suggest-if you ever get to see it- the short "Violent Is the Word for Curly", excellent.

Are you part of the three stooges fan club by chance????????

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Scott Marks Aug. 4, 2011 @ 11:35 p.m.

"Pigskins" is a perfect example of Larry's brilliance. Give the "sparkling waters with your liquors" scene a quick once over. Study the way he punches, "Always!" His supremacy is blindingly apparent.

It's bad enough I know so much about the Stooges. Frankly, the thought of joining a club consisting of like-minded chowder-heads terrifies me. I wouldn't escape with my scalp.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 5, 2011 @ 11:10 a.m.

It's bad enough I know so much about the Stooges. Frankly, the thought of joining a club consisting of like-minded chowder-heads terrifies me. I wouldn't escape with my scalp.

================= LOL..I'm a chowder head!

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 4, 2011 @ 3:48 p.m.

Joe Besser should have been a bartender in West Hollywood, if you catch my drift. NOT FUNNY! Joe DeRita...Really, does anyone give a crap about Joe DeRita?

LOL...I like both Joe Besser and Joe DeRita!......

But I tell ya-the BEST talent Larry and Moe could have picked to replace Shemp as the 3rd stooge would have been Christine McIntyre. She was so talented, in so many ways (She was the actual opera singer in "Micro-Phonies"), and she was SO FUNNY when she got the lines, the opportunity to bring her talent.

May I suggest one of her best roles to ever bring the funny;

"All Gummed Up"

Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!

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Scott Marks Aug. 4, 2011 @ 11:37 p.m.

Is "All Gummed Up" the version where Emil Sitka winds up as a baby or a gorilla?

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Scott Marks Aug. 5, 2011 @ 1:10 a.m.

BTW, there but for the grace of God goes Joe. At one point, Buddy Hackett was up for the part of the replacement Stooge.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 5, 2011 @ 11:16 a.m.

Is "All Gummed Up" the version where Emil Sitka winds up as a baby or a gorilla?

================== LOL.. YES!

Emil is the Boy's landlord, they run a pharmacy, and Emil's wife is Christine McIntyre, and they are both OLD, like 80's old, and the boys make a fountain of youth potion for Christine and she drinks it-and she does the "Memmemememememememe" Shemp line (while she changes from an old lady to a beautiful young woman) funnier than Shemp could do the line! Hilarious.

Emil tries the fountain of youth formula and turns into a gorilla! Then in the end Moe is trying to force Shemp into drinking the formula and Moe ends up drinking it by accident and starts doing monkey moves........one of their best shorts ever.

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