Ian Anderson 2 p.m., March 2
Ocotillo Wells Teen Claims Paternity of Lakeside resident Mariah Yeater's Justin Beiber-Hoax Baby
"She's purty. And famouser than me. And now I want to tell the story of our wild night together!"
LISTENING AS THE GEARS OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION GRIND SLOWLY TO A HALT - At first glance, Gideon Blugg is not the sort of person you would expect to read about in a story that involves the words "Justin Beiber," "sex scandal," and "statutory rape-by-famewhore." But the 15-year-old Blugg tells SD on the QT that it is in fact his sperm, and not the prettyboy pop-star's, that gave rise to the 20-year-old Mariah Yeater's bouncing baby boy, despite her recent claims to have enjoyed a post-concert romp with the quasi-virginal Beiber.
"I was taking out the trash behind the Iron Door" - the back-country bar where Blugg washes dishes - "when up pulls this fancy red pick-up truck. You know, the kind with a plastic liner in the back, so the paint won't get scratched when you load it full of surplus cement blocks that you're going to use to build an addition on your outhouse. And inside the truck was this girl, all done up like she'd just been to an American Idol audition. Except her eye-stuff was all smeary. I guess she'd been crying or something."
The story went on like that for probably 15 or 20 minutes, but the upshot is that Yeater, distraught over her failed attempt to seduce Beiber after attending his concert, allegedly decided to settle for the next best teen: Blugg.
"Next thing I know, she's got 11,000 followers on The Twitter, and her picture is in all the magazines at the checkout in Albertson's, and she's even on the TV. And all the time, I'm sitting here in Ocotillo Wells while she lives the fancy life with my baby. I decided that I had to come forward, if only for the chance to get the hell out of Ocotillo Wells. I mean, if only for the sake of my little boy."
Blugg then asked how many people would read this article, and if maybe this reporter could get him an interview with "that hot Heather Ford girl from Fox 5 News" before finishing his cigarette and heading back in for the rest of his shift at the Iron Door.
More like this:
- Congressman makes marriage proposal — June 25, 2013
- Dirty Little Freak — May 30, 2012
- Local Pro-Life Group Protests Maltreatment of Fin-Whale Fetus — Nov. 28, 2011
- Moye Music — Nov. 18, 2011
- EEK! It's a human arrow! — Nov. 21, 2002