Liz Swain 4:24 p.m., May 24
Jerry Lewis to Judge American Idol?!
Jerry Lewis and American Idol are a perfect fit. After all, were it not for the MDA Telethon, most Idol stars would have no place to perform.
Idol's preeminent ganzer macher, Nigel Lythgoe, has made it clear: he wants Jerry Lewis and Charlie Sheen to act as judges on Season 12.
OH, YEAH! TIMPANI, DOG!
Is this some type of apologetic effort on Lythgoe's part? Wasn't Nige eager to fill JL's shoes the moment the charitable Muscular Dystrophy Organization showed our brilliantined hero the door? If anything, Mr. Lythgoe should spend time helping Jerry and MDA mend fences, not get an 86-year-old loose cannon to host a teen talent contest.
On second thought, this could be a bigger disaster than Jerry's one-week 1984 talk show fiasco for Fox. This could be the reason we watch television in the first place, the new millennium's answer to The Magic Hour. (As a talk show host, Magic Johnson was a great dribbler.)
Can you imagine the advice the self-proclaimed Corporate Spokesperson for American Show Business would bestow on bad boy Sheen? If Jerry harbors a secret desire to smack Lindsey Lohan in the mouth, he'd hang that fakakta coke-snorting, whore-mongering Charlie!
Why the long face, Steven Tyler? You did more than your fair share of ass kissing with those liver lips. It's time to make way for a world class tuchas-lecher. No one can talk up a guest better than Jerry Lewis. Listen to one of JL's fawning celebrity introductions and you'd swear Albert Schweitzer was about to take to the stage, not Charlie Callas.
Will Jerry take a 20-minute nap halfway through the show? Will each hour end with a teary-eyed rendition of You'll Never Walk Alone? Will a thoughtless stagehand forget to stock the freezer with Eskimo Pies?
Howard Stern is a judge on America's Got Talent. Clint Eastwood appears regularly on a reality show. Now there's talk of Jerry Lewis assuming the Steven Tyler seat on American Idol. Get Marty and Bob to co-host Mob Wives and I swear on my late mother's spleen we're changing the name of this blog to The Small Screen.