Russell Goltz 5:10 p.m., Dec. 28
- Community Blog
For the Ladies: Best Excuse EVER.
Yesterday's bloggery was WAY too intellectual. I figure I'll make up for it with this one. Let's go on a little journey inside my head. Don't be frightened, now...
So I'm folding laundry, listening to the radio a little earlier this evening, and the DJ asks this question: According to Men's Health magazine, 1 in 9 men have been broken up with for this reason. What is it?
The guesses roll in:
"Bad breath?" No.
"Body odor?" Not it.
"Poor dental hygiene?" Guess again.
"Excessive body hair?" Also incorrect.
"Too fat?" Nice, and no.
"Too old?" Also sad, and no.
By this time, I'm figuring if it's not hygiene-related, it's just GOT to be penis-related, somehow. And since we already covered cheating, I'm thinking either it doesn't work, or that it's too small. Neither of which is good. I'm also wondering how this whole convo goes down. (No pun intended.)
Imagine my surprise when the on-air guy gives this hint: It's very manly, and there's too much of it. She just can't take it anymore.
Oh, my. Well, I suppose that could be a problem. Perhaps even a huge one. Apparently, it's not a case of this ED, but rather this ED that seems to be the problem.
I am now thinking that:
a.) 1 in 9 men is a pathological liar (which, BOE, is entirely possible) or
b.) 1 in 9 women is an absolute GENIUS!
I mean, have you EVER heard a better excuse for dumping your dude than that?
Let's break down the reasons that this reason is so glorious:
1. It makes him feel like some kind of pagan phallus god.
2. It makes you look like a vestal virgin. (Never mind that you've had 2 kids.)
How could he get mad at you for that? It's not 'your' fault you're not slutty enough to handle his massive [insert].
As it turned out, the real answer to the question was much more booooooooooring. Care to guess?
More like this:
- DJIA and Catastrophe Theory: Sun Wu Tzu says When on Death Ground, Caution... — April 9, 2010
- Stick It Up Your Butt — Dec. 3, 2009
- Now I'm wicked hungry and it's 2:30 in the morning. Sweet! — Oct. 4, 2009
- Honest Abe, Pro Wrestler — Dec. 20, 2007
- The Girl in the Painting — May 11, 2006