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For the Ladies: Best Excuse EVER.
By antigeekess | Posted November 23, 2009, 8:05 p.m.
Yesterday's bloggery was WAY too intellectual. I figure I'll make up for it with this one. Let's go on a little journey inside my head. Don't be frightened, now...
So I'm folding laundry, listening to the radio a little earlier this evening, and the DJ asks this question: According to Men's Health magazine, 1 in 9 men have been broken up with for this reason. What is it?
The guesses roll in:
"Bad breath?" No.
"Body odor?" Not it.
"Poor dental hygiene?" Guess again.
"Excessive body hair?" Also incorrect.
"Cheating?" Nope.
"Too fat?" Nice, and no.
"Too old?" Also sad, and no.
By this time, I'm figuring if it's not hygiene-related, it's just GOT to be penis-related, somehow. And since we already covered cheating, I'm thinking either it doesn't work, or that it's too small. Neither of which is good. I'm also wondering how this whole convo goes down. (No pun intended.)
Imagine my surprise when the on-air guy gives this hint: It's very manly, and there's too much of it. She just can't take it anymore.
Oh, my. Well, I suppose that could be a problem. Perhaps even a huge one. Apparently, it's not a case of this ED, but rather this ED that seems to be the problem.
I am now thinking that:
a.) 1 in 9 men is a pathological liar (which, BOE, is entirely possible) or
b.) 1 in 9 women is an absolute GENIUS!
I mean, have you EVER heard a better excuse for dumping your dude than that?
Let's break down the reasons that this reason is so glorious:
1. It makes him feel like some kind of pagan phallus god.
2. It makes you look like a vestal virgin. (Never mind that you've had 2 kids.)
How could he get mad at you for that? It's not 'your' fault you're not slutty enough to handle his massive [insert].
As it turned out, the real answer to the question was much more booooooooooring. Care to guess?
Football. And I know I'm not a lady but I couldn't resist making a guess.
By refriedgringo 9:34 p.m., Nov 23, 2009 > Report it
Hmmm, so many options ....
Big mouth.
Big beer gut.
Big car.
Big television.
Big ego.
Big head. (The one on the shoulders.)
Big hairy butt.
Big stank feet.
The only thing it can't be is brain.
By CuddleFish 10:11 p.m., Nov 23, 2009 > Report it
Oooh wait, I got another option:
Big knuckles dragging along the ground!
By CuddleFish 10:16 p.m., Nov 23, 2009 > Report it
Refried, ya nailed it. Not specifically football, but "sports addiction."
But we could have another little contest here, Cuddle (and everybody else who wants to join in). Let's say I'm the boyfriend that you're trying kick to the curb, and the above excuse is going to be your out.
Gimme your best breakup bulls***. Convince me.
:)
By antigeekess 10:35 p.m., Nov 23, 2009 > Report it
Oh, hey Cuddle -
After rereading your responses, I think you need to re-read the blog entry. You're missing something.
Something big.
;)
By antigeekess 10:41 p.m., Nov 23, 2009 > Report it
"Gimme your best breakup bulls***. Convince me."
Easy. You want an easy way out of a relationship with a guy, one that won't break his heart but will work just fine to where both parties leave happy?
Tell him that his penis is simply too large for you.
By refriedgringo 10:59 p.m., Nov 23, 2009 > Report it
Seriously, just start taking him to theater and the ballet, maybe the opera. And when you get home, make sure you TiVo'd Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. After that, while lying in bed, fart... hell, Dutch Oven it. The guy might think it's funny at first but the idea of it rolls around in the head some and like hail, gathers unimaginable things until it finally falls with the weight of life.
Or just kick him in the balls.
By Adam92102 12:35 a.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
OMG, Adam, you don't like the theater or opera???
Okay, that's it, you're off my Christmas card list.
By CuddleFish 12:52 a.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
Re #6. Hmmmmm....
I'm feeling like a poor communicator, here. That was kinda the original idea.
I was just wondering exactly how such a dialogue would go. You know, the "Bogus Breakups for Dummies" version. I might actually want to USE this someday.
See, great acting is at least partially dependent on a great script. It's a scriptwriting exercise. Ridiculous enough to be absolutely hilarious to a bystander, but appealing enough to the male ego that he totally BUYS it.
See whadda mean, Vern?
:)
By antigeekess 7:28 a.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
Re #7:
Sounds like the unfortunate voice of experience, there, Dude!
:)
I don't think ball-kicking will fly in Cali, will it? I'm pretty sure a guy out here would file charges AND sue.
By antigeekess 7:35 a.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
Scene opens at a bar, man and woman watching "The Big Game":
Her: We do this every Sunday. Can't we go see a movie?
Him: Shhh, the game's on.
Her: I really need to talk to you about something.
Him: Shhh, the game's on.
Her: We never do anything anymore except watch sports.
Him: Can't this wait? The game's on.
Her: I'm porking your brother.
Him: What?!?!? What on earth...?!??!
Her: Your penis is just too big.
Him: My own brother? Wait, did you just say my penis was too big? Wow, really? I mean, I know I am above average....
Her: I'm sorry. I just can't accommodate it anymore. Your brother doesn't like sports, and his penis is just average.
Him: Oh, okay. I guess, if you are sure....OH, MY GOD!! Fumble?!? You idiot!?!? They should have traded him when they had the chance!!!
She leaves, waitress drops her phone number in his lap.
By MsGrant 10:55 a.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
MsG!!!!!!!
By CuddleFish 11:11 a.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
Now THAT's the (NFL Sunday) ticket, right there!
Thanks for that, MsG!
:D
By antigeekess 12:15 p.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
From one classy broad to another.
By MsGrant 6:26 p.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
Mucho appreciado. I crack up every time I read this line:
"Your brother doesn't like sports, and his penis is just average."
By antigeekess 7:44 p.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
No correlation, by the way. ;)
By CuddleFish 8:50 p.m., Nov 24, 2009 > Report it
To survive sports:
Have the television on "mute."
By SDaniels 3:27 a.m., Nov 25, 2009 > Report it
Re #17:
Poor guy.
Headphones for Xmas, perhaps?
By antigeekess 6:03 a.m., Nov 25, 2009 > Report it
He already has a pair ;) Actually, he really doesn't mind having to wear them, and often chooses to sit there with the tv on mute. I don't know if it makes a difference that it is soccer...
By SDaniels 8:41 a.m., Nov 25, 2009 > Report it