For some inexplicable reason, I apparently de-published this post. So I'm republishing it now. Enjoy. :)

"Anybody who is offended by sexually explicit language, please cover their ears now, and I will raise my hand when you can uncover them."

Cindy Gallop dates younger men. MUCH younger men. This phenomenon is not new, and while this is not exactly "where no cougar has gone before," it is unusual to hear one complaining about it. A bit. Sort of.

Cindy's complaint consists of the fact that the younger men she encounters seem to have had their sexual education via the infinite plethora of hardcore porn that is now available 24/7, courtesy of the very same internet that is bringing you this message. As a result, she now finds that a great deal of "re-education, rehabilitation and reorientation" is necessary in order to counteract the silly and inconvenient effects of said porn on the misled young male.

I can empathize with this (and no, I will not go into details). But I will do this: Cindy's brand new shiny website offers a number of educational and instructional T-shirts with observations contrasting the "porn world" with the "real world." For reasons I won't go into here, this one happens to be my personal favorite:

PORN WORLD: Everyone loves anal sex.
REAL WORLD: Stick it up your butt.

The T-shirts also address several other issues that are frequently encountered by today's heterosexual female dater, including 3-ways (or more-ways, for the truly ambitious male), expectations of Olympic caliber sword-swallowing, and the requirement of complete hairlessness below the neck.

Now, while I empathize totally with the sentiments expressed by these wearable protests, I have to say that I find the collection somewhat incomplete. Ms. Gallop really must not get out all that much, if these are the best (worst) she can come up with. Perhaps she only dates comparatively well-mannered British men, and has not attempted dating in California. A few more for the suggestion box:

PORN WORLD: All women either want to be tied up and have a gag shoved in their mouth, or tie YOU up and shove a gag in yours.
REAL WORLD: Save the rope for hitching up Trigger, cowboy.

PORN WORLD: All women want to be f***ed by Trigger. While you film it.
REAL WORLD: Um, no.


It's enough to make a girl long for simpler times.




Comments

David Dodd Dec. 3, 2009 @ 7:26 p.m.

Warning: This comment is sexually explicit. You are hereby warned, turn back now if you think you might be offended. Do not read it between the hours of 6 AM and 10 PM...

I've never understood anal sex. Honestly. I know what comes out of there. I'm not a prude, and hey, to each their own. And, I've had more than my share of lovers, but anal sex never made sense to me. And, in case anyone reading this comment thinks that it's a "guy thing", on more than one occasion, in the middle of a wonderful, steamy, hot love session, this came out of my mouth after a request came out of her mouth:

"You want me to do WHAT?"

Afterward, the only thing I could manage to say in my defense was something like, "Hey, lover, maybe you've graduated to another level, but I'm happy being an undergrad."

But that's just me. As they say, your mileage may vary ;)

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antigeekess Dec. 3, 2009 @ 7:52 p.m.

"I know what comes out of there."

Exactly. It's for things to go out, not for things to go in. Very basic anatomy, and not at all confusing. It's amazing how many men seem to want to get it wrong.

Just to make absolutely sure there's confusion in the future, I'm considering getting a sideways one of these tattooed back there.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/174/394613100_e17df6d6d4_b.jpg

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David Dodd Dec. 3, 2009 @ 8:15 p.m.

"Just to make absolutely sure there's confusion in the future, I'm considering getting a sideways one of these tattooed back there."

That's a fine idea, AG, although men probably don't read very well during coitus. Hell, most men probably don't read very well period when it comes to sex. Erotic literature is mostly read by women, they appreciate it - men tend to like films and pictures.

Oddly enough, many men write erotic literature quite well. I've written three short stories that would be categorized as erotic literature, and I was told they were quite good. Most of the critics were women. Their criticisms were mild - too much plot, not enough graphic sex, but very romantic and hot and so on. I was delighted to hear that because I can only think of so many ways to describe an orgasm.

And no one is reading those stories, they were written under a pseudonym years ago that I'll never reveal in a million years, and I'll never write another one. But I think it's a good exercise for all writers to do, because the stories sell if they are good (not for much, but money is money), and it allows the writer to find his or her comfort level in such matters before writing a novel.

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magicsfive Dec. 3, 2009 @ 8:43 p.m.

eww.....thank you refried...you know what they say...EXIT ONLY.

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cindygallop Dec. 3, 2009 @ 8:48 p.m.

Darling, do you have any idea how many printers turned down our T-shirts before we found one who would produce them? I had to jettison a number of the raunchier versions along the way.....

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PistolPete Dec. 3, 2009 @ 8:50 p.m.

Pleasure in pain ladies & gents...pleasure in pain. 99% of gay men, bisexual men such as myself and kinky heterosexual men & women who engage in anal sex & anal play have a masochistic component to their sexual libidos. Anal sex hurts. Most of the time anyway. There's a pleasure in that pain. It's why I go back every now and then. Call it libido, a sin, nasty or just a plain old fashioned mental defect. Thank God that Americans are learning to become less & less milquetoast when it comes to sex.

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magicsfive Dec. 3, 2009 @ 8:59 p.m.

anal sex is not and never will be for me...but god i love bisexual men...so that being said,

PETE?

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PistolPete Dec. 3, 2009 @ 9:09 p.m.

Hate to say it Cindy because you seem very educated but you are so wrong about porn. or starters, the porn industry is changing rapidly towards a female POV. Just Google three words:women porn directors and you'll recieve at least 237,000 hits.

Second, while you're correct that kids now days have easier access to porn, parents are scared s***less to have "THE TALK" and schools drop the ball out fear of being un-PC, it's unfair to blame it all on porn. I'm a proud mysogynist. This has NOTHING to do with sex. I viewd alot of porn growing up. Thought I knew it all when it came to sex. I was wrong-DEAD wrong. My first 5 years having sex were with a male. Then I lost my heterosexual virginity with a woman close to my own age. Then I met a barfly who changed my view on sex. I was 18. She was 63 but looked 40. She taught me so much in one night of passion that I'm still teaching other people what she taught me.

Bottom-line? Porn, like anything with the potential to be harmful and abused, CAN be a learning tool. You can knock porn all you want but I'll bet $$$ to doughnuts that half the women you talk to, listen to you politely and then tell their friends you're full of s***.

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PistolPete Dec. 3, 2009 @ 9:09 p.m.

ROTFLMMFAO@magics. Love you too girlFRIEND!!!!!

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PistolPete Dec. 3, 2009 @ 9:14 p.m.

Women's Guide to Good Porn Movies by Laura Weide

Adult videos aren’t just for trenchcoat-wearing men! A Ladies Home Journal survey found that 47% of women reported using erotica or pornography to heighten their sexual experiences. In our years of selling adult videos, we've found that you can’t make assumptions about what women want in porn. Some folks want a traditional couple’s flick with a well-developed plot and lots of foreplay, while others want uninterrupted hardcore action. Some want performers with natural bodies. Others revel in the fantasy bodies of porn stars.

This was from the first link given. http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/features/womenguidetoporn

Hmmmmm....me thinks Miss Gallop doth protest too much ;-D

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magicsfive Dec. 3, 2009 @ 9:54 p.m.

re: pete's link: "Candida Royalle pioneered the couple’s porn genre."

===============================

Candida??? she named herself after a yeast infection?????? oh ewwww..

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antigeekess Dec. 3, 2009 @ 9:56 p.m.

LOL @ Cindy in #5. Thanks for stopping by.

If you pop back in again, I'd LOVE to know what some of the rejected T-shirt slogans were. :)

And...can you smuggle me into the TED conference next year?

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antigeekess Dec. 3, 2009 @ 10:04 p.m.

Believe me, I know ALL about that crapola, Magics. I have all 3 of these:

http://www.amazon.com/Yeast-Connection-Medical-Breakthrough/dp/0394747003/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259906352&sr=1-4

http://www.amazon.com/Chronic-Candidiasis-Vitamins-Minerals-Exercise/dp/076150821X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259906352&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Candida-Yeast-Guidebook-Revised/dp/0761527400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259906308&sr=8-1

The answer? Take a probiotic and cut out the sugar. Yeast also hates onions and garlic.

Yup, I'm an expert. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXIykBsqcoA

Complete with a cheesy moustacheless Tony Orlando and a white dude clapping on the downbeat. What more could you possibly want?

:)

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antigeekess Dec. 3, 2009 @ 10:11 p.m.

Refried wrote:

"...too much plot, not enough graphic sex,..."

You 'sure' these weren't dudes?

"And no one is reading those stories, they were written under a pseudonym years ago that I'll never reveal in a million years..."

"Camarero, más Glenlivet, por favor!"

:)

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magicsfive Dec. 3, 2009 @ 10:18 p.m.

LOL anti...you never ever disappoint :)

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antigeekess Dec. 3, 2009 @ 10:18 p.m.

Pete pecked:

"In our years of selling adult videos..."

Thought you were a day trader, not a porn mogul?

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David Dodd Dec. 3, 2009 @ 10:40 p.m.

"You 'sure' these weren't dudes?"

Heh. Nope, they were all mostly women I am certain. The three that were published were entirely different on purpose, I looked at it as an exercise in contrasting sub-genres. The most popular story was the most romantic, although there was plenty of sex. The characters were about as well developed as they could be in a short story. That one was written in 1st person narrative, from the viewpoint of the protagonist, a man, and his quick romance with a woman.

The other two were 3rd person narrative, one involved bondage, the other involved group sex.

The story involving group sex was widely read and well received. Of the three it was the story that was written most quickly and sloppily. It contained elements of homosexuality, and I believe received the only feedback from men. Of the three, it was the most poorly written, although I did develop the characters very well.

The story involving bondage was most carefully crafted and probably suffered from it. What do I know about bondage and spanking? Again, the male and female characters were well developed, and although there was plenty of action, I found myself punching in too much of the characters thinking thoughts in the narrative. That's a no-no and I should have known better. But the BDSM crowd loved it.

Go figure.

And so far as I can find, the stories did not get online, and I don't have them on this particular hard drive (that was, like, four hard drives ago), so I'm pretty safe, single-malt scotch and all ;)

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SDaniels Dec. 3, 2009 @ 11:01 p.m.

Pete contra contra contra-dicted:

"I'm a proud mysogynist."

Make up your mind! Is you or isn't you one?

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SDaniels Dec. 4, 2009 @ 5:03 a.m.

This ad from Pike's thread seems to fit right into this here discussion.

http://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs/normal-heights-through-the-blue-

I'll also add that I agree that people should do whatever they like, as long as they are not hurting others, unless the others like to be hurt. Viva la difference! :)

"New just worn look from storage. (Read as confession: Haven't been going out much lately, but clean up well)

Never used. (Read: I've been used, and am wary of you and your ilk)

Still in original packaging with instructions.

(Read: Coy flirting.)

Easy Mounting (Restaurant downgrade possible)

Mounting without moving or lifting ..... (Wow! Sounds cool! A swing?)

All connections in front ....., not behind (Attention gringo and AG--this is your guy/gal) .....

Keeps more ..........surface for superior traction and stability Provides smoother, quieter ride than normal .........."

(Fill in the ellipses at your pleasure!)

I defy anyone to say they do not read such dry, dull classifieds in this juvenile, half unconscious fashion as though they were personal ads, an activity allowing seepage of opposite or alternative readings from/aided by the unconscious mind.

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PistolPete Dec. 4, 2009 @ 9:38 a.m.

AG-You're attributing a quote from the link that I provided to me. I am a day trader. Not a porn mogul.

SD-Since you believe I'm a proud misogynist, I might as well act accordingly.

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DaniLauder Dec. 4, 2009 @ 12:23 p.m.

I can not believe I am commenting on this but since I am? As a woman who enjoys anal sex I am amazed that most men I date will not even ask me to do it with them. I think they are too scared to ask and I do not want to ask because they might thing I am a slut. A woman should have to ask. The man should just move to it and if she says no then move on. How about the rest of you. Should a woman have to ask for it or should the guy just go there?

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PistolPete Dec. 4, 2009 @ 12:45 p.m.

Seeing as there's really no difference what hole I stick Peter Pecker in, the guy should get a pair of balls and just go there. If she says no, respect that and move on. I'll try to find what I believe to be the greatest article on anal sex I've ever read. It was in Playboy a couple of years ago. This woman wrote about controllig her sexual urges through her exit hole. Very liberating article.

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PistolPete Dec. 4, 2009 @ 1 p.m.

If God didn't want humans to fornicate each other through the a**hole, why did he or she put so many nerve endings down there?

Role in sexuality

The anus has a relatively high concentration of nerve endings and is an erogenous zone. Sigmund Freud's theory of psychosexual development, for example, described an anal stage, hypothesizing that toddlers derive pleasure from retaining and expelling feces. This is the source of the term "anal-retentive" and the derived, derogatory vulgarism "anal".

Anal intercourse can be pleasurable for both the insertive partner and the receptive partner. For the receptive partner, pleasure from anal intercourse is also thought to be related to the shared wall between the rectum and the vagina (for females) as well as the G-spot or prostate (for males). For the insertive partner, the tightness of the anus is often said to be a source of pleasure in penetrative anal sex. Anal intercourse, sometimes referred to as sodomy or buggery, is a human sexual activity, but is considered taboo in a number of moral systems. It has been, and in some jurisdictions continues to be, a crime carrying severe punishment.

The anus also plays an important role in anal masturbation, fingering, fisting, facesitting, anilingus, and a variety of other penetrative and non-penetrative acts.

Anal stretching can stimulate the nerves around the anus and can be considered pleasurable. Care must be taken to maintain elasticity.

Lubricant is widely regarded as a necessity while performing anal sex.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_anus

Couldn't find the Playboy article.

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RobertScorpio Dec. 4, 2009 @ 1:05 p.m.

If God didn't want humans to fornicate each other through the a**hole, why did he or she put so many nerve endings down there?

So we would know when we were farting, crapping, or, in a certain actor's case, when a Gerbal was climbing up there to next.

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PistolPete Dec. 4, 2009 @ 1:25 p.m.

LMAO!!!! cough cough Richard Gere cough cough

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SDaniels Dec. 4, 2009 @ 3:25 p.m.

Well, AG. Would it be entirely inappropriate to remark at this juncture--"Guess she asked for it?" ;)

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MsGrant Dec. 4, 2009 @ 4:43 p.m.

Geesh, you go away for a couple of days and YEAH!! It's party time at the Reader blog!!!

"Anal stretching can stimulate the nerves around the anus and can be considered pleasurable. Care must be taken to maintain elasticity.

Lubricant is widely regarded as a necessity while performing anal sex."

I never thought I would live to see the day those words were on this website. Excellent work, Anti!!

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antigeekess Dec. 4, 2009 @ 5:10 p.m.

Re #30:

Tried to take the whole thing down. Doesn't work. Oh well.

Nice pussy, BTW.

:)

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JF Dec. 4, 2009 @ 9:12 p.m.

Nice pussy, BTW.

Really ought to shave it, don't you think? ;)

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MsGrant Dec. 5, 2009 @ 10:01 a.m.

What You Need: Comb and scissors or clippers New pivoting razor with multiple blades Shaving cream or gel Shaving oil Shaving brush (optional) Cortizone cream if pubic area starts getting itchy Light, unscented moisturizer

For Christ's sake!! Madison Avenue will do anything to get us to part with our $$$.

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