Duke Cunningham Can't Have Gun
Don Bauder 9:47 p.m., May 25
The Abnormal Width of Normal Heights
Entries
The Ballad of BeFree (but not really a ballad)
(Lyricist's note: these lyrics accompany the story "A Typo of a Peculiar Type." Also, I can neither sing nor play an instrument, and generally I am about as musical as a Winnebago, so you will ...
All My Heads Come Back To Me (short fiction)
They say I should do the interview with the television lady. That it will help humanize the job, and thus the Law. I don’t know why. It is as human as anything else, whether I ...
A Typo of a Peculiar Type (part 3, conclusion)
I stared at those bottles of vodka and tequila and bourbon for what could’ve been ten minutes. The tequila was good, too. Patron Silver. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be drunk ...
A Typo of a Peculiar Type (part 2)
To my dismay, I was only able to cruise I-5 in re-energized contentment for several minutes, before what had been fairly smooth sailing turned into a barely moving jam. Big rigs lined the right lane ...
A Typo of a Peculiar Type (part 1)
Instead of typing “Ashland” into the search engine box (Ashland as in Oregon), I had mistakenly entered “Assland.” This may have been, at that moment, merely a small clerical error, but it would forever alter ...
Renting Annie (a short story)
My husband, Scott, is a financial genius. Not because he’s made us millions, but merely because he’s made us a thousand so far. And that’s enough to keep us happy. At least for another few ...
Homeless Alien Kept a Diary (a short story)
(Editor’s Note: all surviving pages from this diary were found by nine year-old Jiffy Krondinkle of Prairie Doom, Oklahoma, and they appear here with the permission of Jiffy’s parents, Kinky and Darfinia. Though their names ...
A Kingdom No Longer Magic (a short story)
I was censoring boobs for The Mouse. Seems like something they would’ve had to hire someone for back in the less uptight 70’s or 60’s, or the insane 2000’s, not the Reagancrap preppy 80’s. But ...
Brassturbation: Tooting one's own horn
Got my OccupySF piece in the SF/Bay Guardian. Always nice to get a byline. And here's a photo link. Forgive the sloppy way they kind of threw it up online, what can I say. I ...
When Occupy SF Occupied My Car
I began the week a brooding and self-pitying writer, who was spending far too much time sucking on sour grapes until they were bitter raisins. I even went back and forth via email with an ...
Government Salami (a short story)
Mrs. Marti Brewer-Bodner, Deputy Undersecretary, U.S. Dept. of Education I have already cried, three hours worth alone here in my office on Maryland Avenue. I have an unobstructed view of the Smithsonian’s National Air and ...
$0 to $10,000 Faster Than Jesus
(NOTE: Since the writing of this piece, the government has amended their indictment, accusing FullTilt, many of whose players still haven't gotten their money back, of being a "global ponzi scheme." Renowned players and FullTilt ...
The Dictator's Ringtone (a short story)
I am waiting for my father. No matter the urgency, he makes everyone wait. I am no different than everyone, son or no. This is not entirely true. I am markedly different when it comes ...
If I Make it to Eleven (a short story)
Today I’m finally gonna do it. I’m gonna kill Frank, my stepfather. It’s exactly thirty days since I decided I had to, before he kills Jackie first. Jackie’s my little brother, and he’s not even ...
The Early Daze, Part 21 (the final chapter)
Having returned from the reading at The CAST, which went from exhilarating to extinguishing in the span of ten minutes when Baby Huey put the kibosh on any further performances, Karen and I went into ...
The Early Daze, Part 20
In a state of beer plus antihistamine, on a stomach empty as a dry tank, I wrote my monologue in a wired and woozy day/night burst. My government arts grant/unemployment would not go entirely to ...
The Early Daze, Part 19
It was a sold out theatre for the monologist from New England via Manhattan. I had recently devoured Gray’s book Sex and Death to the Age 14 and loved every word, felt a kindred spirit, ...
The Early Daze, part 18
After laying me off, Frank Moe made sure to remind me to apply for unemployment ASAP. I appreciated his concern, almost as much as I appreciated losing my job. I did, of course, apply and ...
The Early Daze, part 17
The moment I knew I had no future at M.G. Electric (not that I craved a long one) came the night the Iraq War broke out, and it occurred nowhere near the warehouse, nor during ...
The Early Daze, part 16
Tommy left the TV on his desk the entire week, and it was tuned to the war every second. Orders were down, the days dragged, and we all found ourselves watching that violent screen more ...
< Previous Next >
