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The sight almost knocked me over

Not literally but figuratively

As I rounded the front corner of the mobile to water the hollyhocks,grapes and tomatoes

The tomatoes had grown so tall and luxurious in just a week I was bamboozled by their splendor

WAIT!!!...I was the gardener...right!!

Me of the black hand,the spindly tomatoes 2 years ago.the insect eaten holey leaves, the "where the hell's my water today" plants

Standing before me in a large previously used tomato plant pot was 4 tomato plants 3 ft tall

Nah...that can't be right

I took my 3.5 readers off to see if they weren't real but only magnified

Nope...they were real

There they sat just looking all green leafy and splendiferous

I quietly took one step back and raised my hands in an honoring gesture to the garden gods!!!

This situation perplexes me because last year I planted hollyhocks that grow like weeds out this way. They were my favorite flower as a kid and surrounded every cabin in The Willows in Alpine where my Aunt Gilda lived.

They were known to be so hardy they'd grow thru cement cracks

But at my little abode, properly cared for, they put out a large volume of quickly dying leaves and exactly 2 flowers on 9 plants (4 of the roots died immediately) and then just listed along to feed the bugs

Now if that isn't an example of my GREEN thumb nothing is!!!

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My tomatoes two years ago didn't even limp along, they grew about 2 feet tall, spit out about 2 tomatoes then died

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The Grapevines however suffered thru the summer heat and my gardening curse and hung on. They went dormant in the winter and were treated to a termite fumigation under a large lovely striped tent and the little suckers came back bigger and more extravagant then ever!!!

I could hear them whispering ~~nahnahnahnahnahnah thought you could get rid of us that easily did ya..cough cough~~

~~I DON'T UNDERSTAND~~

The tomatoes plants for this year were throw aways. I have a new neighbor who had them given to her by a friend. I was visiting her and saw her planting them in full sun in the center of cement blocks

"Nonono" I said "that will never do"..calling on my huge expertise as a BAD gardener

They'll never grow that way...to much sun...(even tho all us tomato gardeners know that's what the growing directions call for)

"I'll give you a larger pot"

Of course i didn't add "One of the ones I've killed many a fine healthy plant in"

And over i went to my house to find her one

The plants were tiny babies about 2 inches tall, she was complaining it would be impossible to grow them large enough to produce in this season. I didn't dispute her word. The giver would be over in a week to see them planted

SO BECAUSE SHE'S COMING YA GOTTA PLANT THEM RIGHT?

Upon leaving she said "here you take four"

OH CRAP.....A REGIFTER!!!

Of course i took them.... and quickly shoved them under one of my patio chairs out front

Three days later i noticed them looking all "I guess we'll just shrivel up and die now" and i picked them up and headed for the trash

My gifting neighbor was looking on so i stopped short and planted them in an empty pot out front and out of the screaming heat of Lakeside's Southern sun

I even hate to say it but i watered and fed them

That's where i made my fatal mistake

Unloved tomatoes will turn on you every time!!!

Bobby admitted to me today he's been watering and feeding them of late

So I've decided that when it's time for the harvest he can climb the enviable stalk that's forming and pick and bring them down

that will teach him to play gardener

but what if he likes it up there...

uh oh

July 23 update

well here we are one month later and 4 three inch tomato plants have grown to 4 feet tall

i don't know how they did...they even have a dozen tomatoes on them now,,,little green suckers that preen in the hot summer sun and scream for more water everyday

not only have i been suckered into taking care of them but my neighbor across the street who was also regifted has pulled me into her tomato plant drama

these damn things have taken over the neighborhood!!

the original gifter and the regifter visit on the average of once a week as if coming to a sacred shrine...as i bring out large glasses of Ice Tea they sit on my front patio and oh and ah over huge greenstalks...then they take a walking tour of the other plants and plaintively discuss the pros and cons of why they aren't a big

Bobby my husband just shakes his head in amazement at how tomatoes can cause such a ruckus

they ask me what i'm doing that they aren't doing

now this is a big mistake because i have a very bad tendency to become professorial......oh yeah...i like to sling my totally superior weight around from time to time...hahahahahahahaha...

so..........

i show them my tomato food...how i support mine with a plastic bar system instead of chicken wire....don't put them in direct hot 100* sun........what time of the day i water.....how i give them Epsom salts once every 14 days for Magnesium

oh course this is all bullshit because i did the same things for my tomatoes 2 years ago and they didn't grow worth shit!

i think these tomatoes are just doing this to taunt me!!!

More like this:

Comments

Ruth Newell June 24, 2012 @ 2:51 p.m.

Very funny, Nan. I'll be you're pulling out the canning jars and dehydrator now, eh?

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nan shartel June 24, 2012 @ 3:51 p.m.

er...um...NO!!!

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unless ur willing to take on a lug or 2

but i haven't given up they'll die before they're harvested...lolol

does anyone remember that movie "The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"???

i'de be terrified to can them...they and green beans go bad most often

but roast or dehydrate...that'ed be good!

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nan shartel June 24, 2012 @ 8:33 p.m.

i'm so glad u liked it Mindy...it's meant to be funny ...but there a lot of truth in it

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Jay Allen Sanford June 24, 2012 @ 9:21 p.m.

San Diego tomatoes are not to be trusted - have you not seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?? The theme song says it all:

"They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you / Chew you up for brunch and finish you off for lunch."

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nan shartel June 25, 2012 @ 10:18 a.m.

hahahahaha yes JAS how right u are.....does that movie still stand as the worse horror film ever???

it was a real laugh fest...thx so much 4 dropping by Jay

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nan shartel June 25, 2012 @ 11:17 a.m.

hey i found a home 4 all the green tomatoes...

they will be fried!!!

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nan shartel June 27, 2012 @ 1:09 p.m.

it is a fun old fashioned word....i thought about using flabbergasted but didn't think was such a fun (altho it was an old fashioned)word

thx 4 the drop by donna

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nan shartel June 28, 2012 @ 4:52 p.m.

thx hunnypants..missed u when u weren't around!!

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nan shartel June 28, 2012 @ 6:34 p.m.

hey RZ....DO NOT WORRY ME AGAIN HOMEY!!!

let us know if u got locked up accidently in an ice cream parlor downtown....hahahahaha

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Radical Uterus June 29, 2012 @ 5:15 p.m.

Sometimes you get to eat it, before it eats you.

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nan shartel June 30, 2012 @ 9:50 a.m.

let's hope this will be the case with these possibly GIANT tomatoes DG

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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Tallsharon June 30, 2012 @ 3:51 p.m.

I hope my efforts meet the same! I have no idea why I can't resist planting them every year, seeing the lush green leaves and then, the big fat horn worms that love the marine layer, and I freak out. I envy those who live in the heartlands at tomato growing time- I lust over thriving tomato plants!

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nan shartel June 30, 2012 @ 5:30 p.m.

well i've had the horn worms 2 TS...but not so much if in pots

I WILL NOT BELIEVE NO HARM WILL BEFALL THEM!!

because i'm not that good in the growing department

so i've given their fate to the Universe and if they fail i'll blame it on her

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nan shartel July 1, 2012 @ 1:09 p.m.

are u trying to grow them this summer TS???

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Tallsharon July 1, 2012 @ 1:54 p.m.

yep, i just can't help myself. i lust after that home grown tomato taste. years ago i found a great recipe with heirlooms, balsamic vinegar, capers and blue cheese. i dream about it, or rather i have interesting dreams after I eat it. In color. :)

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nan shartel July 1, 2012 @ 4:31 p.m.

i loved them so much that as a kid i had an aunt who had a truck farm in Otay Mesa

she brought a lug to us and i ate myself to GIANT hives...yikes!!!

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