Don Bauder 5:30 p.m., March 10
- Community Blog
One More Missive to Myself
For so many years I was Crusader Rabbit. I put away my Crusader cloak and found I was still in some cases trying to be Rescue Rabbit. Just a more peaceful appearing "a wolf in sheep's clothing". I wonder now if I can complete my last "Rescue Chores" Make it mine but only mine for good reasons, but to really be pure in thought about the outcome of my many interventions, I must not attach myself to the outcome anymore.
This last year has attached me to many around me. My sister, whose schizophrenia has come and gone. with no help or hindrance from me, haqs greater and greater needs.
I'm so well verse on the particulars of the disease, and know my involvement will be limitedly successful.
I pandered to myself in thinking I have a modicum possibility of impact.
"If I dig into that much horse shit I must be rewarded with a pony".
My tendency toward magical thinking has been a lesson learned and unlearned many times before. Newer and more important relevant information has been garnered from that exercise each time,but my self imposed swim in Chaos has been tough and many times disappointing.
As it should be, because the promptings of Universe come with a warning.
THIS IS A LESSON TO BROADEN YOUR ABILITY TO SEE CLEARLY, NOT NECESSARILY A CONCLUSION CREATING RITUAL
Looking outward must be balanced with looking inward, I tell myself often whenever I mentally start to create a future that may never be.
~~the heart is a lonely hunter~~
It often scouts ahead and brings back magical information that may not hold water in the real world.
Then, of course, my water balloon burst.
My "Suspend Disbelief" persona works both for me and against me.
I think one of my most important lessons was when my love Terry told me he was lost in a stormy sea due to his health, and that I couldn't always be a sea anchor of laughter and good feelings for him.
I had to accepted his bell buoy warning.
I decided, because I cared, to just try to weather the storm with him and deal with the wave tossed environment as best as we could.
It was a harrowing experience fraught with extraordinary highs and lows.
Sometimes I think the only thing that came out of it is that, once again, I proved to myself that I am loyal. Where loving friendship is concerned, like Kizzy, I stick
I think Terry treasured that about me for that 15 months I spent with him before he died.
I know that as Bobby's Alzheimer's gets worse the emptiness I feel will be overwhelming in many ways...
He won't remember "Rescue Rabbit"and only day to day grace will sustain me.
Years ago when Bobby started on the horrid road to complete emptiness I started these conversations with myself.
Thankfully because our daily conversation of any consequence almost doesn't exist anymore.
I've tried to reach out with maturity here but my success i sometimes think is underwhelming.
More today then i intended
I bought a beautiful Autumn Quilt for someone last year...acorns leaves..mittens...ice skates..a welcoming coverlet to an "all seasonal friend"...now if I'd only pinned my reindeer sox on it, it would have been complete.
I miss having my sox sown together with Terrys, since he's been gone I still haven't taken out all the thread.
But i will.