I always thought it was funny to have a show called "Jake and the Fat Man." Imagine the actor getting the script sent to him. He likes it. He calls the studio up and says "This is a well-written show. I'm just not sure which character I'd be playing." After a few seconds of silence, the studio head says "You weight 335, take a wild case."

I have a liberal friend that doesn't read my blogs. She said once in a while she does, and that I sound too much like a Republican. But, she'll often email me story ideas for the blogs. And, they're usually interesting stories. But, I don't want to just have a news item that I'm giving my two cents on. And which Fred ends up debating me on.

But the news story she send me three days ago, was great. And, I just saw a show on cable discussing it. So I figured it would be a perfect time to bring it up.

I had saved the story in a file, in an effort to make Fred, trestles, and others who have complained I don't get my facts straight. But now I can't find it, since I'm having a ton of computer problems.

Anyway, I believe it's in Ohio. I guy is scheduled to be executed, but he claims that because of his weight, the lethal injection won't work properly. They say it will cause pain, and not be humane.

Here's where my liberal friend would log out. Who the hell cares? If a guy is on death row, and it's going to be painful, I'm all for that.

No, I don't think we should torture the killers. But, if the electric chair (which, that state stopped using after one of his appeals, which is why they aren't using it)...we find out it actually stinks for the first two seconds that your butt is frying, well, excuse me if I don't shed any tears for some killer, rapist, or ?

I saw a movie a few years ago, based on a real life baker. He became a hangman during the war. He answered an ad, and ended up being really good at it. The idea being, get it done quickly, without them struggling on the noose for long. He was getting it down to seven seconds.

He didn't tell his wife about his job. Or any of his friends. And, it didn't really bother him. He'd go to the pub and have drinks, singing at the piano with his friend.

He did have to execute someone he was friends with, that killed their wife in a jealous rage. That bothered him for about two minutes.

It was a morbid, but interesting, film. I remember Richard Roeper laughing as he said you won't ever see a film with more hangings. And, in one montage, they show about 20 in a row.

If I was this guy on death row, instead of him pulling all of this...which clearly won't work. And it's clearing just upset the family of the victims (I believe he raped and murdered two young women, but I don't remember...and in sticking with my tradition on these blogs, I'm not going to find out)....anyway, he should instead just request a weird last meal.

Jenny Craig and Slim Fast meals. It would be like, he's trying to make an effort to watch his weight, on the last day of his life. I just think that would be funny.

And those last meals they get. That's a weird tradition. The criminals always do something like say they want a steak, mashed potatoes, beer, Taco Bell burrito supreme, and a hot fudge sundae. And...I wonder when a request like that is made...is Taco Bell happy or pissed, by the press. I mean, obviously they won't use it in the next ad campaign -- "Chosen by more death row inmates than any other taco establishment."

(and, I'll save you the trouble; you don't need to post about why they clean your arm before they inject the needle...I think Mathew Alice answered it once).

Comments

Josh Board Aug. 11, 2008 @ 11:03 p.m.

My hard core liberal friends always tell me I'm a Republican. I'm a Democrat. But, I'm a Democrat that uses his brain. Therefore, I agree with Republicans on some issues.

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antigeekess Aug. 9, 2008 @ 12:32 a.m.

I'd make sure my last meal included lots of things to make me fart.

Just for spite. :)

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Fred Williams Aug. 9, 2008 @ 7:05 a.m.

I have to debate you on this one, Josh...just kidding.

In Europe I've seen replicas of the various ingenious devices they contrived through the ages to make death not only slow and painful, but a very entertaining spectator sport.

I'm puzzled by the lack of innovation in execution equipment lately.

For ages the researchers and technicians had to strive for prolonging and intensifying pain. Nowadays, the quest is to make it quick and painless.

In the old days, they figured out how to make it quick and painless first thing, and reserved it for only the nobles. The rich got the beheadings, and paid the executioner in advance to make it a clean sweep. Remember that the guillotin was originally presented as the most humane and sure way of achieving this end, no additional bribe or operator training required.

Why we cannot today figure out something that works as well is beyond me. Edison pushed the electric chair only to brand Tesla's AC power as dangerous. It's not efficient or effective.

Firing squads can be fast acting, but it's needlessly traumatic for the soldiers involved.

Hanging has a long and proud tradition, but it takes skill and experience to operate the noose properly. The drop distance has to be scaled to the body weight to achieve near instant death without a messy beheading. Too little drop, and the condemned strangles to death slowly, kicking, jerking and squirming until finally asphixiated.

Hanging is not for amateurs.

Lethal injection seems flawed too. It causes burning sensations. Can't they get anything right?

Maybe they're spending too much time on last meals?

Fine. I propose that research be conducted into inserting strong narcotics into the food. It should be odorless and tasteless, and able to knock you right out. Maybe rohypnol would work? Scientists and night clubbers can tell us.

Then, when our subject of interest is slumpped over, oblivious to the world, just slip a plastic bag over his head, wrap duct tape tightly round his neck to create an airtight seal, wait fifteen minutes, and dispose of the corpse.

Problem solved. No mess, no fuss.

Sure, an inmate like Antigeekess might make some unpleasant odors, but any expiring body does that anyway. So her last meal of beans, beer, and bratwurst presents no problem.

Best,

Fred "The Impaler" Williams

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Josh Board Aug. 9, 2008 @ 11:56 a.m.

I can always count on Fred and Anti for the awesome humor.

It's a great idea, Fred.

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Fred Williams Aug. 9, 2008 @ 2:45 p.m.

What humor? Killing people is funny, to you Josh?

Oh.

My.

God.

You are a Republican..!!

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