Don Bauder 7:30 a.m., May 4
Casting The Yoda Movie
Word is circulating that Disney plans to devote one of its stand-alone Star Wars films to Yoda. Yoda!
Disney Exec 1: "Have you tried this stuff? Green cocaine. They mix it with lemongrass or some shit - it's super-healthy."
Disney Exec 2: "Green cocaine! Awesome! [Snorts huge line.] [Speaks in bad Yoda imitation]: Good shit, this is. So high right now, am I."
Disney Exec 1: "Yoda! That's hilarious! Holy crap, you know what we should do? Maybe this is just the green coke talking, but we should totally make a Yoda movie. Remember when that little dude fought Count Dooku? He was bouncing around all over the place! It was awesome!"
Disney Exec 2: "Awesome! [Snorts another huge line.] Wait, wait. Listen. You know how we made all the money in the world last year by doing that monster crossover Avengers thing? Mixing heroes from all those different movies we'd already made? What if we did that with Yoda? What if Yoda had...a brother...who knew that it wasn't easy being green?"
Disney Exec 1: "Oh, oh, oh! And he lives in the swamp, just like Yoda in that second Star Wars movie, but the swamp is threatened by this evil dude who is, like Yoda's bad cousin!"
Disney Exec 2: "Crap. He looks right - they've got the same ears! - but we don't own Gremlins."
Disney Exec 1: "Oh, like we can't buy it? Don't mess with my flow, dude. [Snorts line to get back on track.] And bad Gremlin has his bad henchman, who's like, all in touch with the dark side of the Force, because, dude, he's a ghost."
Disney Exec 2: "Whoa. Maybe Columbia will want in on the action. Well hell, as long as we're going green, let's get that green chick from Star Trek in as a love interest."
Disney Exec 1: "Hot. But I'm not done with the bad guys yet. This is where shit gets real: instead of an Emperor behind all the bad stuff, we go retro and bring back...Maleficent."
Disney Exec 2: "Genius. I mean, we never did see her die, right? She turned all dragony, and then she fell over the cliff, but she disappeared into a puff of ash at the end. So maybe she never died at all!"
Disney Exec 1: "I know, right? And of course, Yoda and Kermit need help to stop the bad guys, so they enlist the help of..."
Disney Exec 2: "The Little Green Men!"
Disney Exec 1: "Now we're grooving. Pixar is golden. We won't even need The Hulk."
Disney Exec 2: "Still, we should probably bring him in. That whole 'controlling your anger' thing ties in really well with 'release your hatred,' you know?"
Disney Exec 1: "Right. Now all we need is a title."
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