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I am the Whorax, I speak for the Seuss,

This trailer is making my bowels go all loose!

(I speak for the Seuss, for the Seuss is now dead

And so he cannot knock some sense in your head.)

And now I will ask, but with much trepidation

What’s that THING you’ve made out of his finest creation?

I am the Whorax, I speak for the Seuss

He gave you his genius, you gave him the goose!

But I also speak for the notion of art -

Which you seem to equate with a wink and a fart -

The notion of feeling, of emotion, of heart.

Now, since you’ve made the Lorax a clown

A gag-man, a wiseguy, with a grin for a frown

He’s lost all his pathos, the sweet earnest force

That finally moved Once-ler to feel some remorse.

You damned sons-of-bitches, you never will stop

Til you’ve chopped all our childhood dreams into slop

And planted all new ones - a sad, stunted crop -

Because the real Lorax – well, it might be a flop.

“It’s a downer, a buzzkill, it’s just not relatable

We don’t see the Once-ler? Well now, that’s debatable.

And saving the trees? The bears and the birds?

Oh, God, it's all just too boring for words!

We need a love interest, a girl who digs trees

And a schlubbulous boy who's desperate to please.

I know, let’s get Efron, and ooh! Taylor Swift!

They’ll give us some juice with the kids – get my drift?

Ed Helms from The Office! Betty White – she’s so hip!”

All your plans grow apace at a terrible clip

But the Seuss will wake someday from his nap in the dirt

And he’ll put all you bastards in a world of hurt.

How do I know this? I’m the Whorax. I know.

He doesn’t like whores at a kids’ picture show.

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Comments

Scott Marks Oct. 27, 2011 @ 4:46 p.m.

I laughed hardest during the third read-through.

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Scott Marks Oct. 27, 2011 @ 5:25 p.m.

At the risk of sounding like a professional log-roller, this was brilliant, Matt! At the risk of sounding like my sixth grade teacher, Harriet Shure, how long did it take you to write this? Don't answer. Even if you spent three days, I'd still be jealous.

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job Oct. 27, 2011 @ 6:37 p.m.

Matthew,

Watch out, this versy thingy stuff is VERY habit forming.

JOB

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