Robert Bush 8:15 p.m., May 19
LA JOLLA - Authorities made a breakthrough today in their search for the thieves who stole the Lorax statue from in front of Dr. Seuss widow Audrey Geisel's luxurious oceanfront home.
"Whoever took the statue left a weird sort of platform behind in its place," explained La Jolla Police Detective Wilberforce Throckmorton. "One of the platform's stones was marked with the word "unless," and upon further inspection, it was revealed that this stone was in fact hollow and made from cast concrete. Inside, we found a note which gives us our first real understanding of the motivation behind this heinous crime."
SD on the QT has obtained a copy of the note, and is happy to bring its readers an exclusive peek into this ongoing investigation:
We are Anonymous, you stupid old get
We do not forgive and we do not forget
And we sure as hell do not stand idly by
While you make all your husband’s admirers cry.
Dr. Seuss was a genius, but you are a troll
Did we steal a statue? What about what you stole?
His honor, integrity - dignity, too
A bright, shining legacy, covered in poo.
The Lorax made children aware of the earth
Its beautiful, fragile, intrinsic worth
But you sold it out for a CGI flick
That made saving trees just a gift for a chick.
Horton, the Grinch, and the Cat in the Hat
We let them all slide, and we regret that
But The Lorax? His masterpiece? We’re sorry, but no
We’re calling a stop to this big sellout show.
We speak for the Lorax, who spoke for the trees
He’s been lifted away from your cruel vagaries
Unless you wise up, and we doubt that you will
Your chances of seeing this Lorax are nil.