Clayton Truscott 11:53 a.m., April 19
Now Is the Time for All Good People to Come to the Aid of Their Marty!
No, I haven't seen it, but that's never stopped me from writing a review of a Scorsese benefaction. Ten stars! Best picture of 2011! The finest use of 3D as a narrative tool since Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder! Hugo cured my bursitis!
It won't be unveiled to the San Diego press until Monday night. Two days and I still can't sleep. Damn!
Listen you screwheads, here's what I want you to do. It opens on November 23. You got that? Be there. Do not under any circumstance see it at a multiplex that offers the option of a 2D screening. The very thought is hateful. Any mutt unwilling to fork over the $3.00 surcharge required to witness His stereoscopic alms would do violence in their grandmother's neighborhood, pure and simple. You obviously have no depth, let alone depth perception.
Between now and the time Hugo ceases its run (which undoubtedly won't be until Christmas 2012), you are only allowed to frequent theatres that bear His name on the marquee, even if you plan on taking in another movie. No matter what your evening's entertainment choice, buy a ticket for Hugo and then proceed to do whatcha' gotta' do in another auditorium. Give Marty your money!
Don't worry about conflicting showtimes or being narced by an usher. It's okay if you show up for a 7:00 p.m. Hugo and purchase a ticket for the 6:15 p.m. screening of something else. The ticket-tearing automatons pay little mind to what cinder block bunker you decide to roost in.
Who amongst you doesn't want a Sinatra biopic made His way? Do you want DeNiro and Pesci to re-team in The Silence as a pair of Jesuit priests who face violence and persecution when they travel to Japan to locate their mentor and spread the gospel of Christianity? Wait a minute...make that Day-Lewis and Del Toro. (I still think my casting choices would make for an infinitely more entertaining time at the movies.)
Do you think The Muppets needs your disposable cash? Please. I've seen it. You'd be better off using the eleven-dollars to blow your nose with. Apart from a certain Academy Award-winning backwards step, and His regrettable pairing with the DreamWorks kid, Marty never went down, Ray. And this is His first film geared for children. Look what He did for me. I was but a mere pup the first time I beheld Boxcar Bertha. Do you think Marty is going to let the youth of America down? Get the f#%@ outta' here!
During this joyous holiday season, why not bequeath the gift of Marty to your friends and loved ones? Don't forget to buy a sheet or two of Scorsese Seals before addressing your Christmas cards. Give, so more movies will live.
Please take a moment to enjoy a few samples of last year's sacramental stickers:
More like this:
- Movie Poster Rejects You've Never Seen: Jaws, Batman, Supergirl, more — May 22, 2012
- The Movie-Studio Logo Quiz: A New Beginning — Dec. 19, 2011
- The Movie Studio Logo Quiz III: The Heretic — Nov. 14, 2011
- The Movie Studio Logo Quiz: The Adventure Continues — Sept. 19, 2011
- Comic-Con Days 1 - 4 Photo Funnies — July 25, 2011