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No, I haven't seen it, but that's never stopped me from writing a review of a Scorsese benefaction. Ten stars! Best picture of 2011! The finest use of 3D as a narrative tool since Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder! Hugo cured my bursitis!

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It won't be unveiled to the San Diego press until Monday night. Two days and I still can't sleep. Damn!

Listen you screwheads, here's what I want you to do. It opens on November 23. You got that? Be there. Do not under any circumstance see it at a multiplex that offers the option of a 2D screening. The very thought is hateful. Any mutt unwilling to fork over the $3.00 surcharge required to witness His stereoscopic alms would do violence in their grandmother's neighborhood, pure and simple. You obviously have no depth, let alone depth perception.

Between now and the time Hugo ceases its run (which undoubtedly won't be until Christmas 2012), you are only allowed to frequent theatres that bear His name on the marquee, even if you plan on taking in another movie. No matter what your evening's entertainment choice, buy a ticket for Hugo and then proceed to do whatcha' gotta' do in another auditorium. Give Marty your money!

Don't worry about conflicting showtimes or being narced by an usher. It's okay if you show up for a 7:00 p.m. Hugo and purchase a ticket for the 6:15 p.m. screening of something else. The ticket-tearing automatons pay little mind to what cinder block bunker you decide to roost in.

Who amongst you doesn't want a Sinatra biopic made His way? Do you want DeNiro and Pesci to re-team in The Silence as a pair of Jesuit priests who face violence and persecution when they travel to Japan to locate their mentor and spread the gospel of Christianity? Wait a minute...make that Day-Lewis and Del Toro. (I still think my casting choices would make for an infinitely more entertaining time at the movies.)

Do you think The Muppets needs your disposable cash? Please. I've seen it. You'd be better off using the eleven-dollars to blow your nose with. Apart from a certain Academy Award-winning backwards step, and His regrettable pairing with the DreamWorks kid, Marty never went down, Ray. And this is His first film geared for children. Look what He did for me. I was but a mere pup the first time I beheld Boxcar Bertha. Do you think Marty is going to let the youth of America down? Get the f#%@ outta' here!

During this joyous holiday season, why not bequeath the gift of Marty to your friends and loved ones? Don't forget to buy a sheet or two of Scorsese Seals before addressing your Christmas cards. Give, so more movies will live.

Please take a moment to enjoy a few samples of last year's sacramental stickers:

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Comments

Colonna Nov. 19, 2011 @ 8:55 p.m.

Remember to buy those Christmas Seals Christmas Seals...

    • Jimmy Two Times
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Jay Allen Sanford Nov. 19, 2011 @ 10:10 p.m.

I'll be heading for my nearest bigscreen to check this one out on opening day. Its apparent basis is the true life story of the filmmaker/magician pioneer George Milies, who I've long been fascinated by. He used to build the most amazing automated sets, for some of the first (and still best) fantasy films ever made, like Trip to the Moon (1902), etc. - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georges_Méliès

Chloe Grace Moretz sure is turning up everywhere - besides Hugo, she's also playing teen troublemaker Carolyn in the Dark Shadows feature coming soon from Tim Burton and Johnny Depp ---

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Scott Marks Nov. 19, 2011 @ 10:37 p.m.

Jay, if you're not doing anything Monday night, would you like to be my guest? I don't extend an invitation like this to many people, but after exchanging thorn removals from paws over Larry Cohen, you're more than welcome to join me. You don't own a cell phone, text, or chew gum, do you? Seriously, if you want to make this a memorable meet and greet, you know where to find me. I'm stationed in front of the Edwards Mira Mesa.

You, too, Jerry. Hop the trolley from Ft. Wayne. We saw "Shine a Light" together! I remember the pre-show entertainment when you regaled the crowd with "Come Josephine in My Flying Machine" and a choral rendition of NIN's "Closer."

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agent_00711 Nov. 20, 2011 @ 10:33 a.m.

I can't wait! This promises to be awesome. By the way, Scott, whatever happened to the Dean Martin biopic that Scorsese was considering a while back?

Also, if I may be permitted a heretical question, but does "Dial M for Murder" really make such a great narrative use of 3D? Yes, the scene where Grace Kelly gets attacked, and with that great shot of her hand reaching out into the audience, is terrific, but the rest of the film's use of 3D seems to basically consist of putting bottles and lamps into the foreground. As I've unfortunately never seen the film in 3D, only heard about it, I'd love to know what I'm missing.

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Scott Marks Nov. 20, 2011 @ 12:46 p.m.

Watch the way he positions the characters through space to tell his story. Not to rub it in, Age, but I've seen this one in 3D several times and it is astounding. Speaking of great 3D, did you catch Herzog's "Cave of Forgotten Dreams?"

As for an adaptation of Nick Tosches' towering showbiz bio, it appears that Marty has switched rats. Dino is out and Frank is in, providing Nancy, Tina, and Frank, Jr. allow Him to tell the truth, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

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agent_00711 Nov. 20, 2011 @ 8:52 p.m.

Thanks, Scott. I will definitely keep an eye out for 3D screenings of "Dial M for Murder". And I did catch Herzog's film. Very interesting use of 3D. Can't wait to see what Scorsese does with it.

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Ghost_of_dolores_hope Nov. 20, 2011 @ 12:18 p.m.

Like the stamps! I don't like the trailer... What the harry 'f@#kin' potter is this? Looks damn awful. The problem with Marty is he has nothing to prove anymore. Shutter Island was a B movie, at best. I still can't get through Gangs of New York. He made better movies on cocaine. Whatever pills he taking these days ain't working. His last good performance was 'The Muse', a cameo.

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Scott Marks Nov. 20, 2011 @ 12:51 p.m.

Keep your shroud on, Do-Do. It's about time someone put that "Harry Potter" garbage to good use. His will be done!

Thanks for liking the stamps, Dotty. I put more thought and time into them than most people do rearing their children. And you know I'm crazy about your hermetically-sealed gowns.

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Scott Marks Nov. 20, 2011 @ 1:49 p.m.

And what's with the cursing, Dot? Did you kiss Bob with that mouth? Maybe if you had, he wouldn't have spent so much time with MM (Maxwell, not Monroe) in the Toluca Lake stabbin' cabin he rented out under her name.

And Marty's last great public perfomance was when he appeared with the yentas on "The View."

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