John Donne 9 p.m., May 27
BREAKING! Black Jellyfish Heads Up Class-Action Lawsuit Against Avatar Director James Cameron
Claims Blockbuster Film Director Appropriated the Appearance of Numerous Extant Species Without Consent or Even Attribution.
"'Trying to create a world from scratch,' my foot. If I had feet."
SANTA MONICA PIER - In a move that industry experts are calling "unprecedented," a large Black Jellyfish today announced a class-action lawsuit against film director James Cameron, claiming that the digital world of Cameron's hit film Avatar was not, in fact, created from scratch, but rather, "cobbled together from numerous extant species, many of whom lacked the resources or stinging nematocysts to mount any kind of defense. Today, I am here on their behalf, asking Mr. Cameron to make things right. To the tune of $50 million."
As evidence, Black Jellyfish pointed first to an instance he said was "close to my nerve net," that of "the floaty things in this image - seeds from the Tree of Souls, or some such."
"Let's take a closer look, shall we?"
"Up front, that's pretty clearly a hydromedusa."
"And in back? A common sea nettle."
"Mr. Cameron is a gifted director, equipped with an uncanny sense of what the American public wants to see. Hell, I liked T2 as much as the next floating digestive bag. But we cannot simply stand by and watch him haul a bunch of undersea species into the air and call it creation. We existed before this film, and we deserve compensation for our part in making it a success."
Asked why the suit is just being filed now, some two years after the feature's release, Black Jellyfish replied, "This is an enormous case, involving hundreds of species, each with their own specific claims. It took us six months just to find the Peruvian hairless dog that Cameron slapped an extra pair of legs onto and called a Viperwolf."
"Plus, when you consider that, as a jellyfish, I don't even have a brainstem, I think I'm doing pretty well here. Better than the clowns who made it the biggest movie of all time, anyway."
Reached for comment, Cameron spread his arms, threw his head back, and said, "What part of 'I'm king of the world' doesn't this gelatinous joker understand? I ripped the story off from Pocahontas and nobody made me pay for that. What makes him think he'll do any better?"
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