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Various Authors 11:01 a.m., Dec. 10
If you can't see Satan in the above series of Ashtanga yoga poses, then you're not looking hard enough.
"I'm all for health and wellness," says concerned parent Pearl Clutcher, "but I know for a fact that Eastern religions are just devil worship in disguise. Mind you, I'm not suggesting that Hindus know they're devil-worshippers. I'm sure they have good intentions. But you know what they say about the paving on the the road to hell!"
Clutcher has been moved to speak in response to the Encinitas Board of Indoctrination's recent decision to implement an Ashtanga yoga class into the school's physical education curriculum. Because yoga is just Satanism with good PR, some parents have sued the school to have the program removed, "if only to keep the schools consistent on the point of separation between church and state."
"I know some people don't believe what I say about yoga," continues Clutcher. "But some people don't believe in global warming, either. Just because you don't believe it doesn't mean it isn't true. Let's consider the evidence. Every Ashtanga yoga routine is supposed to end with three concluding poses, one of which is called Padmasana. Just take a look."
"Please," concluded Clutcher, clutching the strand of pearls about her neck, "won't somebody think of the children?"