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Coaches Cite "Toughness, Rage, and a Low Center of Gravity" as Deciding Factors in Historic Gesture

"These young ladies have been mocked by jocks their whole lives. Now they're sharing their pain by bringing the hurt."

SORTING OUT LOCKER ROOM LOGISTICS, PATRICK HENRY HIGH SCHOOL - "Never say never," says Patrick Henry High School Varsity Football Coach Stephen Jabocabbi with a smile. "When Mira Mesa brought on that girl kicker three years back, I told myself it would be a cold day in hell before a female football player ever put on the pads at Patrick Henry. But after that same Mira Mesa team shellacked us 48-7 last week, I got word that the devil had ordered a Snuggie, if you know what I mean."

Jabocabbi was referring to his decision to replace his current offensive tackles - "otherwise known as The Swinging Doors" - with Norma "Normal" Cranston and Ellie "the Elephant" Mack, a lesbian couple long famous at the school for their generous bulk and their willingness to stand up to GLBT-related bullying. "Those two once stuffed [center Thom] Willingham into a trash can after he went after some drama club twink - and The Ham is a pretty solid slab of meat. Now I'm gonna set 'em loose on those jokers at Scripps Ranch."

"It's a brave new world out there," concludes Jabocabbi. "The boosters will probably squawk a bit, but you know what? This is America. Whatever works, you know? We're 3-5. Unless TV and movies have lied to me, a bold move like this one is just what we need to turn things around."

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