Ian Pike noon, Dec. 8
Encinitas bans plastic bags, sets sights on banning plastic people
"Local communities have to take steps to prevent this kind of blight and pollution from ruining them completely."
"Someone has to take a stand," said longtime Encinitas resident Sunshine Lollipop Rainbow. "Encinitas used to be a beautiful beach town. Then came the plastics. Everywhere you looked - unsightly, tacky, trashy, artificial plastics. Sure, they're good for business, but they're bad for the environment, and ultimately, they're bad for the community."
Rainbow was speaking at an Encinitas City Council meeting in early May, urging the City to follow its North County neighbor Solana Beach in banning the use of cheap plastic shopping bags by local businesses. Remarkably, the measure passed, despite considerable opposition from the Downtown Encinitas Capitalist Pig Partnership, grocery giant Vons, and the China-based manufacturer Amalgamated Plastic Bag and Toxic Sludge, Inc. Even more remarkably, Rainbow gave the exact same speech at another City Council Meeting on June 3, this time in support of a citywide ban on plastic people.
"I'm not just talking about the breast-implanted bimbos teetering through downtown on $6,000 Jimmy Choo stilettos," continued Rainbow, "though Lord knows, there are good portions of them that are literally plastic."
"They're silicone, silly!"
"I'm also talking about the ladies who are taking pole dancing classes at The Dollhouse Fitness and calling it a workout routine. Hey ladies, I hear streetwalking provides excellent low-impact cardio."
Student recital. As in other sports, specialized footwear is required.
Rainbow stressed that she was not just talking about women, "though they really should know better. I'm also talking about corporate greedhead guys who are buying up our coastline to build seven-bedroom, eight-bath, three-story McMansions on a lot that was designed to hold a two-bedroom bungalow. You know, because when you take a bath, you don't just need an ocean view; you need a fireplace."
A steal at $6.9 million!
"And I'm talking about sad lifestyle posers who can't even be luxury-addled jerks right. The Encinitas Ranch Golf Course advertises itself as 'appreciated by golfers of all abilities: With five sets of tees, open fairways and few bunkers, everyone has a chance to post their low score when they play Encinitas Ranch...The front nine in particular is known for being exceptionally forgiving to overly optimistic shot attempts, but the course never punishes you.' Translation: you can suck at golf and still look good here."
"It's got to stop, before Encinitas becomes Rancho Santa Fe West," concluded Rainbow before taking a huge drag on her marijuana cigarette, wrapping herself in her tie-dyed shawl, and storming out of the room, her crystals tinkling with every stride.