Andrew Hamlin 10 a.m., May 4
UCSD "mastermind" to head up Obama's Thought Police project
"I know! We'll call it 'Mapping the human brain.' That sounds helpful. People love government help."
Ralph Greenspan, the associate director of the Kavli Institute at UC San Diego, has been tapped by the White House to help engineer government oversight of brain function among United States citizens. "Government and science had a long and proud history of collaboration," said Greenspan at a press conference regarding the announcement today. "From the Tuskegee Experiment to MK-ULTRA to the invention of crack cocaine, it is a partnership that has produced valuable results for the American people as a whole."
"Notice that I said, 'As a whole,'" continued Greenspan. "Naturally, there are always those who are resistant to progress. And it must be admitted, there are always those unfortunate few who suffer so that the many may benefit. But just as a great religious movement requires the blood of martyrs to water its roots, so a great scientific breakthrough demands sacrifice from souls noble enough to be duped into dying for their country. But I digress."
Greenspan noted that the project would help answer lots of questions about how the brain works, "from things as simple as how and where you stockpile your weapons to things as complicated as understanding rogue survivalist mentalities.”
The project would also help understand what has gone wrong in brains of people who vote Republican. "You must understand," said Greenspan, "We are only trying to help here."
Greenspan said another hope is that the technology developed to undertake the project would boost the economy. "We'll finally be able to tell whether a Clydesdale or cleavage is more likely to make a man buy Budweiser beer. And because the technologies that are going to be needed to see all of that are going to require some fancy, science fictiony new kinds of detectors, there will be technological spinoffs from this as well," he said. "We're going to need implants that can be inserted into a newborn's brain through the unfused skull plates, implants that will communicate with our national 'baby monitor' throughout the life of the worker unit, er, citizen. That's going to be a lucrative, lucrative business."
In other news, do not try to resist. Freedom is slavery. We have always been at war with Oceania.
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