Chris Douthit 11 a.m., Aug. 29
New UC head Janet Napolitano: "I believe the children are the future... of homeland security."
Former Secretary of Homeland Security makes first statement since confirmation as new head of UC system
"Who knows which young person at a UC school might be working on the next PRISM right now? I sure don't - but I will!"
New UC Magistrix Napolitano
DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE GEISEL BUNKER, ER, LIBRARY - "Young people tend to have more freedom than their elders," said Napolitano as she laid out her vision for her new job. "Mostly because they have less to lose. So when we tell them to let us know if they hear their parents expressing anti-American opinions, we're tapping into their desire to keep and maintain the freedoms they hold so dear. And in the age of selfies and cell phones, they really don't see any reason to object to dorm room webcams that feed directly to our surveillance, I mean, security centers at the University of California headquarters. They understand that while Facebook is free, freedom isn't. It has to be paid for - with freedom. It's just that sort of paradox that they'll investigate during their years at the University of California - thanks to their Little Red Student Handbooks."
Speaking about UC San Diego in particular, Napolitano praised the school's past collaborations with defense contractors such as General Dynamics. "UCSD is helping students to achieve the technical skills they'll need to overcome more humanistic tendencies, such as love and autonomy. Their engineers understand that sharing is caring, which is why citizens need to share their so-called "private lives" via overhead drone cams. It's an exciting time. I look forward to leading California's students into this brave new world of tomorrow."