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Tuesday, April 24 Sam the Cooking Guy CA4SD 5:30 p.m. Here is my recipe for the best asparagus ever. First, boil your asparagus. I don't know how long. Enough so that they're not hard like sticks. Then, slather the nasty green plant with something to make it taste good. Some like mayonnaise or butter. I prefer hot sauce and hummus. Eat the whole gross thing. Here's the good part. Enjoy the "after effects." What I call, "Stinkle Tinkle." God, I love asparagus.

Wednesday, April 25 news 8 nbc 5:00 p.m. My friend, Steve the Texan, and I have been discussing the case in which the drunk-driving football player was shot by an off-duty police officer here in San Diego. The reason given -- the reason that is always given by the police, is that the football player reached into his waistband. No way to prove it. My word against yours. Steve the Texan says, "If I was that ball player's lawyer, my case would revolve around proof that on the night in question my client was wearing a sans-a-belt jumpsuit like the one my dad had in 1976." I want it in writing that Steve the Texan will be appointed as my attorney if I'm ever shot for a DUI.

Thursday, April 26 Lindsay Lohan's Shocking Moments VH1 1:30 p.m. It's too bad that I'm too old to take the Lindsay Lohan approach to fame. Make a couple kid movies. Never learn to act. Get rich and famous and be photographed for the cover of men's magazines all predicated on the fact that I'm a drunken, partying slut. I look good in a backless silky tank top and leather skirt, too. Damn.

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